Chronically ill + Single Parent

[LivingOnDreamsAndCustardCreams]

Hi everyone,
An awfully long story as short as possible. I am a single parent to a 20 month old. I have health problems (ME/CFS, Celiac Disease + Hashimoto) + another illness that required me to have a hysterectomy. My husband "had to have" a biological child, as he didn't think he could love an adopted child. I was, naturally, skeptical about carrying a child with the above health concerns, anyway, we had a plan... which my husband then negated on when our baby was 3 months old, and he left me.

(I should probably add here, that I have a lot of mental health support, consultant (whom I speak with weekly) + a therapist (that used to visit once a week - we now speak on the phone weekly/biweekly) and a type of social worker who comes weekly. I am unable to tolerate antidepressants)

I am struggling REALLY badly.

I was never really bothered to have a child and certainly not one of my own. I wanted to be a family with my husband not "be a mum", if that even remotely makes sense? My husband has moved on already (of course he has) with someone who has 2 children (20 + 4) and is now living with her and her children. He currently has our little one every weekend at his parents place (they have use of a small flat). My husband used to stay one night a week at mine to look after the little one over night, so that I could take sleeping tablets if necessary (insomnia is an issue with ME/CFS) which he now no longer does, as his gf doesn't like it... despite the fact it was HIS suggestion and worked well for over a year before the gf decided to suddenly kick off about it. (she knows me and has known my husband for almost 4 years, so you know... not someone he just met... although I didn't find out about their relationship until WAY after it started and it's since then she's started kicking off!)

Anyway, I am a "good Mum" (wtf is a good Mum anyway... aren't we all just doing our best?!) ...I am (95% of the time) patient with my little one, explain everything, we have a good routine, can read them like a book, I cook from scratch because of my CD, they go to Kindergarten, enjoy it + is well adjusted etc etc etc

I am exhausted... physically and mentally. My husband does nothing for this child he so desperately wanted in terms of drs appts, KG pick up/drop offs, cooking, buying clothes, washing clothes, sticking to routines, no help when the little one is sick etc etc etc... and is more often than not on his phone when he visits one evening a week... I do everything... and I HATE IT!

I never ever get to do anything nice with my little one. I am unable to go back to work, I am unable to drive any distances, some weeks I am unable to do a food shop and take him to KG... basically all of the things my husband would have done for me/us, when I was unable to before we had the little one.
My little one is angelic too... content, happy and laughs all the time; is cheeky, life and soul at KG, goes to bed (nap + bedtime) without a fuss, likes and follows the routine... really, super angelic... although, when it kicks off, as it inevitably does with toddlers, it is of course me that gets bitten, hit, food thrown at etc...mostly when the little one returns from being with my husband I have to say! I just hate it... like HATE it... and ALL of it.

Last night I was googling "can you have a toddler adopted"

I am so sick and tired of always being sick and tired and so so so so so angry (yup, complete waste of energy) at my husband!! He, of all people, knew how MEGA it was for me to have a child with my health concerns... and ok, if you want to leave our marriage, I cannot stop you... but why are you not here for your child? why are you not sharing this 50/50? why is your gf not supporting your relationship with your child? I am still sick, in fact, even more so now, that I have to go it alone all the time...

Has anyone been in this situation, alone and chronically ill? I know being a single parent is hard and really difficult... really hard and really difficult are ok, however it cannot be impossible and it feels impossible and I do not wish to do it anymore... my social worker took a video of my little one and I... I watched it back a little while later and what struck me the most was, no one would never know how awful I feel and how unbearable the struggle is if they were to witness my little one and I together...

The more time I spent away from my little one, the more I panic about their return and the more resentment I feel upon their return... I have moments of feeling love and gratitude for their presence in my life, however very very rarely... mostly I regret becoming and Mum and wish to turn the clock back.

for you!

I understand your anger at your former H - he has failed to live up to his end of the bargain so to speak but he does sounds best to be well rid of. You are giving 100% to your child so on that front well done to you.

But I hear you that you are completed exhausted and this isn’t the life you would have chosen. That is great that you have got professional support but do you have any RL support - family or friends? I suppose MN is a form of RL support though too isn’t it?

Thinking about your situation from a different perspective might help: you are now rid of a partner who turned out to be not so great, this is a blessing in disguise, he has shown his true colours earlier rather than later. Also, your child is going to grow up with a parent that has given it her all and they will be so grateful for that when they are older.

It must be so hard for you at present and I wish you well in the future.

Oh OP this sounds so hard

Would it be plausible to suggest going to mediation and asking him to provide more support for his child?, ie having him 2 nights during the week and doing 50% of KG drop offs/pick ups? As long as he is geographically able to that is

Do you have family on hand to help you? Could you have post-natal depression? I say this as someone juggling 2 kids alone with chronic health conditions. I have an autoimmune malabsorption disorder and suspected CFS, I also have sporadic gall bladder flare ups which leave me doubled in pain and in bed. I wouldn't change having my DCs though, I live for them, I finally have a purpose besides me and my bloody health issues.

Some days I'm so exhausted, that I just have to get help. I really feel for you that you can't get help from your ex; he has backed out of your agreement entirely. Mine did the same. I agreed to have a second child provided he supported me and didn't leave me lone parenting for long periods. But he did anyway.

I have found that eating healthily, exercising lightly, keeping my space tidy and a regular bed time routine for myself has helped enormously. Although I say this since being awake since 4am and not being able to go back to sleep!

The toddler years pass, you've got your own little team right there. Your DC will never walk out on you, reject you like your ex did. Be honest and open with your toddler when you feel unwell, my DCs know when I've had enough generally. I'll just lie down and close my eyes. My eldest gets me a glass of water and the toddler gets his doctors kit out.

I think you've a lot going on. Reach out for support where you can and perhaps a mild antidepressant would help?

Can social services offer you any kind of respite care if he won’t take the child more regularly?
When he is at his Dad’s make sure you rest completely and try to recharge. Toddlers are bloody hard work as it is, they are so much easier when they get older and can wipe bums, get dressed, feed themselves! Things will get better in terms of the child OP, I promise, don’t do anything rash like adoption now, you sound like a brilliant mum despite not feeling like it. Your husband sounds like a douche!
Try to cut corners and make life as easy for yourself as possible. Use all the help you can get, charities that offer housework or laundry for disabled people, easy g/f meals, even if just bagged salad and pre-cooked chicken. Get through the toddler years and things will be so much easier.
Good luck OP

Just wanted to say I really feel for you OP. Your ex has got it so catastrophically wrong and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do,you are overwhelmed and who wouldn't be. I often feel similar, with chronic illness I just feel I can't manage (and that's without being a solo mummy) but I just try to take it one minute at a time. All I can suggest is get as much help as possible and hang in there.

Op I really feel for you and I echo what pp have said. Can your child not live with your exH most of the time so that you have access visits weekly instead? If his new partner doesn't like it, then tough.

Oh you poor thing, I really feel for you. My daughter is a single parent to a 3 year old and like you lives with chronic pain. She’s moved back home with the DGC and I can help with a lot of the mundane stuff such as food prep, washing and dressing the little one and taking her to pre school. Is it possible to move back with your family for a time? Would your ex go for 50/50 on childcare? As people say, the toddler years are exhausting but take it one day at a time and you will get through this.