I was with my ex for four years. We split up 8 months ago when our only child was 18 months old.
He had two children from a previous marriage (long before I came along), however we got a house with a spare bedroom for them to visit, we paid child support every month, we took care of birthdays & easter etc, although due to distance contact was only 1-2 times a month or less.
Our relationship dissolved for multitudes of reasons. Namely, he was a compulsive liar and it turned out our entire relationship had been built on lies & secrecy. He managed his finances poorly and was constantly incurring debts. Whilst he was hands on with our child, he's the sort of man to ask for directions about everything down to "what are we eating for dinner? Should I wash the dishes? What are we doing next week? I forgot to pay my bills, I forgot the milk" etc etc.
Last year when he was furloughed and let go shortly thereafter he suddenly turned into an oaf. Wanted to sit around on his phone or PC all day. Then he got obsessed with games development and would think of nothing else. I could never get him to called his kids, he never asked about them, never mentioned them etc.
I wanted him to find a job as we had bills to pay and he was happy letting my mother keep bailing us out of trouble. I was not happy about that. He pleaded with me to let him spend his time designing a game that would be a "cash cow". I was highly sceptical but let him. The game ended up earning £2 in three months.
He then announced his next big gaming project, which also sounded ridiculous and I told him so. He said he'd been offered 3k to design this game. Knowing about his lies I asked for proof. What his friend actually said was "you need to raise 3k for a mega gaming computer".
Between this and the fact I could never get the grown man to call his own kids, I called it all off. Had enough on my plate without having a manchild at home.
Since we split he managed to keep telephone contact with our child for 4 weeks, and he made one visitation (that I paid for ). I told him he was to keep regular phone contact and weekend visitation at least once a month. He said he would not keep to times or schedules and that he was more involved in his other kids lives now and that they would come first. He also advised he was going to go self-employed to dodge child support (despite my meagre share). I debated his allocation of time and resources but since then he has cut us completely out of his life emphasising "it's none of your business".
He's gone back to live with his mother, quite a distance away who is also nearer his other kids. He see's them regularly. However he has ignored my son's Christmas, Birthday and Easter. My son is now old enough to assign roles to people, but currently thinks "daddies" are lions (due to an obsession with the Lionking).
I can't believe that I got a house big enough for his children to stay, made him pay child support religiously, sent them money out of my own pocket for easter & occasions, and he repays me and my son acting like we don't exist at all.
I strongly suspect he has ADHD & ASD.
I can't fathom how cold hearted you have to be just cut out your own child after playing the role of "doting father" since birth.
I thought I got myself a good one, turns out I got one of those men who give all men a bad name.
I'm struggling to process this and bounce back. I've had no financial support at all, but I've managed to get myself a scholarship which should path the way for a high paying job as early as next year... in the meantime my mother is helping again with getting me on the road, the woman has been a Godsend, I love her dearly.
We'll do this without him, but I still struggle with how some people can go through life with such reckless abandonment of their responsibilities.