Help

[TotallyFloored]

Hi - name changed for this.

I’ve just found out I’m going to be a lone parent to my two kids (both under 5), in fairly traumatic and sudden circumstances.

There’s a lot of upheaval coming - moving home etc... but this is something I’ve never even contemplated. I’ve totally had the rug pulled out from under me.

I suppose I’m looking for tips from others who’ve been in a similar situation. Does anyone out there have any tips to help me deal with what is going to be my new reality - whether it’s practical advice on moving to how to deal with questions from the kids or suddenly being alone and solely responsible after many years together ?

Thanks to anyone who can offer advice.

Firstly, I am very sorry to hear that something awful has happened. I’d suggest that you access a therapist to support you to process that. Many therapists offer reduced places to single parents and you can now work remotely with most therapists so there has never been a better time to shop around and find someone.

I was a single parent for years. You need a support network. That is likely to be friends and / or family. Just being around other people is going to be helpful because you will have someone to bounce off, when you come up against difficulties. The kids of things that I did with friends that helped me were:
Doing play dates. We drank hot sweet coffee and discussed the latest problems while the kids played. This was a regular Weds evening date.
Housework buddies. I had a male friend who was a part-time single parent. He came and helped me get the house cleaned and I went and helped him. We put music on and laughed and had lunch together and it was a life-saver
Get together a group of people at school who can do occasional school pick ups in an emergency or as a routine to give one parent a break
Join a local single parent group, like Gingerbread
Friends will also pass on helpful info but for accurate knowledge use services like Citizens Advice Bureau to make sure you are getting everything you are entitled to
Do something you enjoy frequently! You balance out the stress best by offsetting it with something fun. I played a lot of guitar when I was in the thick of single parenting.

Good luck! The great thing about it is that your relationship with your kids is likely to be very close.

Always keep a stock of medicines, long life milk, tins of soup etc if you or children are ill and you can't get to the shops, - although deluveroo or similar sometimes offer a corner shop pick up so worth the delivery price in a pinch.

Get enough sleep even if you have to forgo 'me' time in the evenings you'll feel better for not being on empty.

Invest in a soup maker and slow cooker - Great for leftovers and avoiding wastage but it can be hard to cook for 1 adult and small children so this way you can freeze portions for the future.

Shopping - set up a basics delivery with Iceland they deliver free after a £25 spend less than other supermarkets, not a huge choice of fresh but plenty of tinned and frozen veg available and some of their other products are good. A saved emergency delivery means you don't have to mess around adding things to your basket. I have milk, cereal, pack lunched stuff and some soup / ready meals if I don't have time to do a proper online shop which will tide us over.

Structure - we used to have 20 minutes 'reading time' in the afternoon. I would make warm drinks and then we would share a story together and then we would 'read' on our own. It gave me 15 minutes to recharge with something for me and DD explored picture books until she could read alone.... We still do this even though Dd is in year 6 and reads really well, it's important to carve out a quiet time.

Take care of you. Just getting by is all you need to do in the early days.

Gather good people around you. They want to help but sometimes you need to be specific. Can you walk the dog. Fed the children tonight. If you think it will help get support from your gp and counselling.

If your circumstance require it claim benefits. Reduce your bills where you can. Keep stock of calpol etc. And if all you can manage is nuggets and peas. Don't sweat it x

You don't have to be super mum. Everyone safe clean and fed. Get to bed early. Be kind to yourself. You will get through this difficult time.

. You can do this.

Keep to the kids routine as much as possible.

Work out a budget. Apply for everything you are entitled to. A visit to CAB might be a good starting place.
Develop some family traditions that you can share and give you something to look forward to. We do family chocolate on Friday nights, everyone takes a turn at choosing a block of Cadbury’s to share.

Don’t think that all bad behaviour is due to the change, often it’s just kids being kids.

Sorry that you're going through something so traumatic.

I've been a lone parent from the outset (by choice, so I know this is a very different situation..) but my advice would be to allow friends/family to rally around and help. If someone offers to help, don't be proud - just say yes and then thank them.

Don't try to achieve too much - it is fine to just take each day as it comes and keep the day simple. With kids under 5, they will be happy with things being low key. The only things set in stone for us in a day are breakfast, lunch & tea and a walk.

Biggest thing here though is that you are going to need to look after you. It's like on a plane when you're told to put your oxygen mask on first before helping your child. You are going to want to focus on making sure your children are ok but remember that to do that, you need to be ok too. Easier said than done, but try to look after your mental health. Talk to your friends and don't be afraid to talk through how you're feeling. Consider lining up some talking therapy (often you can do this through your GP website without a referral).

I would also echo Rainbowqueeen in that creating some weekly treats that bring you and the children together just to enjoy each other's company.

I'm struggling through a less than ideal situation of my own at the moment and Saturday night pizza night with DD (3) is something we both love doing. We make pizza together and sit and watch a film.

I currently can't drive and we live in a village with little/no amenities so DD and I are making a game of discovering every footpath within 2 miles of the house.

Things that give your little family unit a sense of 'us' in its new form might help a little to make the DC feel secure and give you comfort too.

I'm a lone parent, I can't imagine what your circumstances are but I fled very awful domestic abuse from my ex who is father to my daughter and the first few months were just utterly terrible and such an upheaval for DD. It's been several months on and she is absolutely thriving. My biggest piece of advice I can give you is to turn an awful situation around and get as much out of it as you positively can.. I reiterate, I don't know your personal circumstances...but our lives are just wonderful now even after all the trauma we we experienced.
It does get easier, just set yourself a target to just get to the end of the day and if the kids are happy, clean, and have full tummies then you've done a great job. Best of luck.

Baked beans on wholemeal toast is a perfectly fine meal. (Carbs protein and one portion of veg)

Batch cook. Freeze emergency dinners

Sick bowls. One each. (There is a reason I know this)

Keep kids and adult meds in the house/flat

Keep enough food for two weeks isolation. Easy to prep food. (See the preppers board) you can freeze milk or use Morrisons powdered milk for emergencies.

Thanks guys. It’s a bit daunting, but I’m just trying one day at a time. So much to try to think about though.
Some really good tips and I’ve been given a counselling helpline number so I’ll have to call that too once I get 5 minutes to myself... whenever that will be.

Best of luck

I fled extreme d v after my ex tried to kill me
My daughter was very small and I had no clue what I was doing

You will all be fine
Go easy on your self and do not be afraid to ask for help

One practical tip which has really helped me is get into a good, quick, consistent bedtime routine that works easily on your own with both kids and stick to it religiously. Evening is your only break so absolutely everything is easier if you can really rely on that time.
Also I know this isn’t viable for everyone but if there is any way you can possibly afford it get a good cleaner, pay them a decent wage, tidy up once a week for an hour before they come. You are already parenting for two - don’t do housework for two as well!

Absolutely agree to get a cleaner, even if only for an hour a week or fortnight. That makes a massive difference.

And go gentle on yourself

Bet you are doing amazing!!!!!!

It's daunting for sure
But you got this !! Xxxxx

Thanks guys. I’m lucky I have great family support from parents and siblings, but it’s just so overwhelming. I can’t get my head round what’s happened so I’m trying to be practical at the moment, which I think is as good a distraction as any.

Practical will help the kids as well. When my partner and I split up I found that it really reassured the kids to know the answers to things like where we would be living / what happens next etc The things which have them to most anxiety we’re the things I couldn’t control or answer for them.

If you are moving in this situation, try to move close to work and the primary school and/or nursery. Life is much easier if it takes you five minutes to go between each. When I went through the same, I had a flat 5 minutes from work, with a childminder half way between the two, and it made all the difference.

Yes to keeping calpol and a thermometer in the house, with a basic first aid kit.
Don't be afraid to ask for help if you really need it. Get to know your neighbours when you move.
Be kind to yourself. This stuff takes time to get over. Don't expect to bounce back immediately.
Once the DCs are in bed, take some time for yourself, A bath, with music, some nice body lotion and a home manicure can ease most things.

Can I get the number for the counselling helpline too?