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Original poster

Should I tell exh?

20 replies

QuestionableDanceMoves · 30/03/2021 10:44

Exh hasn’t seen DD7 since late 2019 at his choosing.
She is currently undergoing tests for a fairly rare condition and I’ve just received a call from the hospital asking for her to come back as the last set of bloods have flagged another potential issue and needs further testing.
As of yet exh knows nothing about this. He’s a very difficult man, history of DV and isn’t in DDs life.
I just have a niggling voice saying he ought to know but at the same time I don’t want the added stress of having to deal with him on top of dealing with DDs health
What would you do?

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 30/03/2021 10:46

Personally I would be concentrating on dd. Unless she is desperate to see him...

HepLaurenceLB · 30/03/2021 10:48

I am very sorry that you are going through a stressful time. Please do not seek contact with a man who has a history of DV. No good can come of it.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/03/2021 10:50

Is there any question of inheritance? Could he have details about his family that helps you?

I do think he should know. I get he's a dick. But I do. Is there a third person who could message him?

AreTurnipsReal · 30/03/2021 10:52

Nah, he could have asked.

Original poster
QuestionableDanceMoves · 30/03/2021 10:52

@Easterbunnygettingready she isn’t, she doesn’t ever really talk about him.

@HepLaurenceLB you’re absolutely right, I already know no good can come of it which is why I haven’t told him.

I guess I’m just worried he’d find out from someone else and that would cause even more trouble

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 30/03/2021 10:55

There’s no diagnosis as yet, is that right? In which case, you’d just be telling him that she’s undergoing tests. I’d wait until the results of the tests and then think about it.

Original poster
QuestionableDanceMoves · 30/03/2021 10:55

@SleepingStandingUp there’s a small chance it’s linked to genetics but the hospital have said it wouldn’t change treatment plans etc if it was plus I am in contact with his dad so I could always ask him if needs be.

The only third person option would be his dad but they have a tumultuous relationship at the best of times and aren’t currently speaking

OP posts:
Original poster
QuestionableDanceMoves · 30/03/2021 10:59

@HeddaGarbled good point. The hospital are fairly certain on what the condition is but testing is still ongoing to assess the cause and devise treatment plan, plus there’s now this new issue that’s been flagged so it’s going to be a while until we have the whole picture.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 30/03/2021 11:00

I think get the tests done and then tell him of there's anything to tell. Regardless of his behaviour, I'm of the opinion he should know.

Easterbunnygettingready · 30/03/2021 11:00

This isn't a time you need his input or support. And you definitely don't need the stress and potential abuse...
Don't give him a second thought...

cravingthelook · 30/03/2021 11:13

I wouldn't, if you need info for yourself daughters health go to his dad. If he cared he'd be in her life.

nitsandwormsdodger · 30/03/2021 11:21

So what if he finds out from someone else? If he does then he should feel nothing but shame for being an absent father
You are well shot of him, leave it that way

starrynight21 · 30/03/2021 11:24

I wouldn't tell him at all since he hasn't bothered for 2 years.

thenewduchessofhastings · 30/03/2021 11:28

@QuestionableDanceMoves

It's your ExH choice not to be involved in his DD's life;why should you go out of your way to tell him when he clearly doesn't care for his own DD's welfare otherwise he'd have some sort of contact with her.

As you say your Ex FIL is still in touch with you:he may have already told his son about what's going on and he's chosen not to get in touch.

AnotherBoredOne · 30/03/2021 11:37

No please don't. Look after your dd and yourself first.

Happycat1212 · 30/03/2021 13:22

I wouldn’t, and I say that as someone whose ex has also been absent. I tell him nothing. He’s not involved he doesn’t get to know

CustardyCreams · 30/03/2021 13:29

I would not tell him. It won’t help you or your dd.

damnthisvirusandmarriage · 31/03/2021 22:51

I wouldn’t. But I might pop it in writing to the hospital that you welcome them sharing any of this information with the childs father.

He can’t say you kept it from him then. He can call on his own and ask questions if he’s concerned.

SionnachGlic · 31/03/2021 22:53

Don't do it...not where there is a DV history.

RedGoldAndGreene · 02/04/2021 18:09

If you decide to tell him wait until you have more facts so this doesn't turn into a conversation where he harasses you for updates.

If you don't tell him then I can completely understand why. It's not like he's involved in her care so needs to know about her treatments, medications etc

Personally I wouldn't because you need stability and calm - you don't want to worry about him asserting his rights and creating stress for dd and you. Is he likely to insist being at her bedside in hospital and being difficult ? For example if dd can only have one adult with her would he insist that he's the one there?

What's the likelihood of him finding out?

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