Contact centres?

Givemeabreak88 · 2021-03-29T23:35:22+00:00

How do contact centres work? If I said my ex had to go through a contact centre in future if he wanted to see our children then would I be able to do that? Who would be expected to pay?

DoveOfPiss · 01/04/2021 00:32

Hi it depends is the short answer. I think it's the person applying for contact. It goes on affordability I think. My ex had a series of 6 contact sessions but they were supervised and ordered by the court so he didn't have to pay.
We had arranged to have some sessions privately and he paid £50 I think, but for some reason he didn't follow up on this.
You can google contact centres, I think there's like a website called national association of child contact centres or something like that, it tells you where they all are and what services they provide. They are really helpful and give good advice if you ring them too.
Hope this helps it's a shitty way to have to do stuff. Good luck

BusyLizzie61 · 01/04/2021 06:57

What are your reasons for believing this would be for the best?
CCs have their place, but are for short term use really and obviously it's a false environmental that the children may not always find beneficial.

2021mumma · 01/04/2021 07:01

It was court who also recommended a contact centre in my case. He arrived ten minutes before me and then I dropped daughter off and sat in another room until session ended, we left first then him ten minutes after. The set up was like a nursery school lots of activities and toys. He moved out of area and hardly knew daughter (his choice) I saw this as the only viable option as she was under 1. Needless to say after about 3 sessions he got bored and never saw heard from him again.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 01/04/2021 16:44

BusyLizzie61

Because he has nowhere else to take them. He can’t take them to his home and I’m not allowing him to have them at mine. He also can’t hang around on the streets because that’s not workable long term, so he needs somewhere he can actually see them.

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Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 01/04/2021 16:49

I don’t know how else he can see them as he hasn’t seen them in months due to Covid and everything being shut. He isn’t willing to travel down for a walk as he lives 2 hours away so I don’t feel this situation can work long term he needs a place he can take them in order to have contact. I’m not sure what other way there is, as hanging around on the street with children isn’t going to work out as a long term thing.

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BusyLizzie61 · 01/04/2021 17:14

What are his current living arrangements?
How old are the children?

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 01/04/2021 17:22

He has a 3 bed house but he rents out every single room to lodgers, so they are unable to go there. We have 4 children between 10 and 3

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BusyLizzie61 · 01/04/2021 19:43

In terms of court cases, many NRPs have been granted overnight access in such circumstances. And you really don't have any legal grounds to deny contact as a result of his living situations, unless there's genuine safeguarding concerns about the specific lodgers.
Given that, I think that it's unreasonable to offer a contact centre and could possibly be even more detrimental to their relationship.
Who relocated?

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 01/04/2021 19:45

Unfortunately he doesn’t want them there either so that isn’t an issue, he wants to either take them out for the day or have them at mine, the latter isn’t possible and the first isn’t working as he hasn’t seen them since November, he doesn’t want overnight contact.

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Sicario · 01/04/2021 19:48

Contact centres are usually there to facilitate visits between problem parents and their children. Supervised contact is because they cannot be trusted to be left alone with the children, whether because they are incapable, or have a history of issues, or the suchlike.

Theunamedcat · 01/04/2021 19:53

This is his issue to solve not yours ultimately he is the one not seeing his children because of his actions he simply cannot demand to use your home to see the children and refuse to use HIS home to see the children and expect you to give in to his demands or solve his problems

A contact centre wont help they are not for all day access ultimately he needs to decide just how much he wants to see his kids he can take them to a park and buy them a chippy lunch in the summer but winter and rainy days he needs a plan HE needs a plan not you

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 01/04/2021 19:57

Yeh you’re right it is for him to sort, he won’t see them if it’s raining or cold or winter or lock down that’s what I’m trying to say it’s not working out, also as we have 4 he struggles
To take them all out alone as he isn’t use to being around them he won’t travel 2 hours down just to take them to the park then 2 hours home so it’s not working and I can’t be expected to let him in my house, he is happy to not have them at his there is just nowhere else for him to see them so I thought contact centres could be an option But it seems not. If I stop him coming to mine I’m seen as stopping contact so I was looking for an alternative.

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Lbnc2021 · 01/04/2021 20:03

You’re not stopping contact tho. You only need to make them available for contact if there’s an order and you are not obligated to let him into your house. If he can’t sort it out for himself then that’s just tough titties for him. My exhusband stopped contact because his house had no heating or hot water and was in a poor state and they had no beds at his girlfriends house. He could take them out if he wanted but he can’t be arsed sorting anything out so he just doesn’t bother at all now.

Theunamedcat · 01/04/2021 20:07

Your not stopping contact your regaining your home you need a break! The only reason I allowed my ex to see his child in my home was because he started drinking and taking drugs after we split so I said my house only till you straighten yourself up of course he took the piss stole money kept coming to me for parenting decisions (I was decorating keeping out his way) he took the piss demanded food asked for cash to buy sweets for her then took her to a drug dealers house instead of the shop on the bloody corner I couldn't even trust him to take her to the park across the road as he bought her back less than 10 minutes later FFS he stopped seeing her as I was being "difficult" (I told him not to bring alcohol or pills into my house and only show up if he was straight/sober)

To this day it is all my fault he will NEVER acknowledge i tried to help him out

I wish I hadn't bothered it really wasn't worth it

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 01/04/2021 20:15

That’s the thing he never wants to take them out really, there’s always an excuse, he took them to the park and brought them back after half an hour claiming they wanted to come home, he took the older ones to the cinema but struggled with that there is no way he could have managed to take the youngest as well he only wanted to take the older 3, he doesn’t really WANT to take them out, he wants to see them at mine but that’s not happening so I’m trying to think of an alternative which is when I thought of contact centres but I don’t have much experience in them so didn’t realise it wasn’t suitable. But surely a parent needs a place to actually take their kids rather than just hanging around on the street?

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AmandaHoldensLips · 01/04/2021 20:26

The bottom line is that he can't be arsed to see his kids. They are an inconvenience to him and he's too lazy to do anything about it. I really feel for you.

Theunamedcat · 01/04/2021 20:33

It is a literal case of not your circus not your monkeys here its not your fault he cannot cope not your fault he cant be bothered to sort something out its your home he doesn't get to use it he is getting loads of rent off his lodgers he can buy a caravan locally to his children and use that

BusyLizzie61 · 01/04/2021 21:33

Sorry I don't think that you responded. Who relocated away from what was the children's home before the split?

If it was him, then it would seem that the focus should be him finding a way to make his moving work. For example, booking a cheap hotel for the visits so can go out, eat and maybe sleep over with a hotel movie.

If it was you that relocated, then really you should be making the effort with some of the travel, either way meeting halfnway or alternate journeys. Perhaps if he was on his local area he'd be able to have better quality contsct there. Does he have family local to him who his children would have contact with? Parents?

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 01/04/2021 21:54

Oh yes I did miss that, he moved away, he doesn’t have any parents as that would naturally be the next solution but they passed away before I met him so that’s not an option. I would happily meet him half way etc if he was having them over night or for the weekend but I’m not doing that for him to have them for a couple of hours. By the time I got back I would be travelling back to collect them.

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BusyLizzie61 · 02/04/2021 08:22

@Givemeabreak88

Oh yes I did miss that, he moved away, he doesn’t have any parents as that would naturally be the next solution but they passed away before I met him so that’s not an option. I would happily meet him half way etc if he was having them over night or for the weekend but I’m not doing that for him to have them for a couple of hours. By the time I got back I would be travelling back to collect them.

Shared travel, even if only for a couple of hours, if it offered the children more continuity would be surely worth it. So say you drive them there. He has his time and drives them home. Yes, it would mean a 4 hour drive for you all, but could be a way forward...

However, ultimately, if he's not wishing to facilitate the contact, as this does require effort, then you cannot really make him step up.

I think that given the situation you outlined, I'd probably go down the route of saying that on x date when everything has reopened, the children are available for contact. This means venues, hotels etc and that it's his responsibility to provide for their time and that you will not be available for early returns.

If he does not wish to step up as a father, then it's his responsibility to explain to his children that he cba with them. As harsh as that sounds.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 02/04/2021 12:44

I won’t be meeting him half way unless he were to have them over night or for the weekend. I don’t drive and neither does he so it would mean using public transport which like I said by the time I got back I would be picking them up again. I don’t think the distance is a problem as I don’t think he would suddenly be a great dad if we lived closer it’s only 20 miles apart, so not a massive distance but because neither of us drive it takes just under 2 hours by public transport. I know he is not going to stick to taking them out so it just feels like a waste of time, the expense and the dragging 4 kids around in all weathers isn’t appealing to him.

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DoveOfPiss · 04/04/2021 18:08

As a PP stated, contact centres are not for all day contact, just a few hours max or as a drop-off or pickup point. Sorry I didn't realise that's what you meant.
However you could always ring your local one and have a chat to them about your options. But ultimately it is up to him as NRP to make the effort, he will be the one expected to apply for contact at the contact centre.