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Original poster

Should I force the kids to see ex if they don't want to?

21 replies

whatwouldjudydo · 29/03/2021 21:22

Ex is a good dad, pays a decent amount, is hands on, before Covid did fun stuff with the kids etc. He however only sees them once a week. Kids age 13-5. 13 year old has been going every other week as he had been wanting to see friends (Pre Covid) and just have some time alone without siblings which was fine, think ex was a little upset but understood. Now the other two 10 and 5 are saying they don't really want to go, they are bored there etc. I don't want to force them to go but ex thinks I shouldn't be giving them a choice and making them go as it's his only time to see them.

OP posts:
maybemu · 29/03/2021 21:56

Yes I think you should be telling them to go and bring it up with dad. As a child of divorce there were always reasons I didn't want to go to one or the other. Sometimes I just couldn't be bothered to pack a bag. I was always made to go as they did a 50/50 split with a week in each house.

At the time I wasn't always pleased but now I'm pleased I have a relationship with both parents.

Definitely get them to talk directly with dad (even if you're there for support)

DeepThinkingGirl · 29/03/2021 21:58

Yes tell them this is a conversation they will be having with their own dad as it’s something between them.

Firefliess · 29/03/2021 22:02

I think 13 is different from 5 and 10. At 13 I'd give them some control over when they go to their dad's, as long as they weren't opting out of seeing him altogether. But the 10 year old is probably just rivaling to be treated the same as the older one, when they're not the same age and aren't really old enough to maintain a good relationship with their dad unless they see him regularly. The 5 year old is way too young to get a say. If you can, then talk to your ex about any concerns they have that seem legitimate and see if he can address them. See if there are any extra toys they could take with them if boredom is a problem, or pass your ex contact details if any school friends' parents who might be up for meeting in the park.

Easterbunnygettingready · 29/03/2021 22:19

At 10 and 5 they have no idea how damaging to their long term relationship with df less time with him will have. My ds went nc at 12 but his df was abusive.
Boredom isn't a reason not to go. Suggest ex downloads Pinterest for cheap /free ideas to keep them amused...

Original poster
whatwouldjudydo · 29/03/2021 22:45

No abuse or anything like that, ex has always been involved and a hands on dad just due to his working pattern it's only one day a week which I think doesn't help as more days they would be more settled there. I have tried talking to them about why they don't want to go but there's no real solid reason I honestly think it's just they are bored and they just want to stay home where they are comfortable. They have toys there from Birthdays and xmas, I know ex does baking etc with them as they bring stuff home. Should I be making them go even is visibly upset?

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 29/03/2021 22:45

Wow yes they should still be going, amazed you are asking. If they found school boring would you stop them from going?

Firefliess · 29/03/2021 23:13

Can you do transfers via school? That's often easier for kids than being removed from their home. I also used to find out easier if I took them to their dad's house and came in for a few minutes while they settled in. They found that much better than when he picked them up from mine. Saying goodbye to me when they were already in their dad's house was somehow much easier than him taking them away from both me and their main home all at once.

Original poster
whatwouldjudydo · 29/03/2021 23:33

Can't do transfers from school as it's weekends he has them he wouldn't be able to do school pick ups and I don't drive so he does all pick ups and drop offs!

OP posts:
Maggie900 · 01/04/2021 23:16

You absolutely should be insisting they go. It’s not really optional, he is their father. I would just try to smooth it over and explain the situation to the children better.

Cleverpolly3 · 02/04/2021 12:39

@Maggie900

You absolutely should be insisting they go. It’s not really optional, he is their father. I would just try to smooth it over and explain the situation to the children better.
Are we living in Victorian times? Why is it the OP’s responsibility to sort this out?

She isn’t preventing the from going and she is not obliged to force them.

And incidentally at some point with children their wishes and feelings are given increasing weight so it will absolutely be optional.

Easterbunnyishoppingmad · 02/04/2021 17:40

Actually at their ages a court would expect you to encourage them to go...

Cleverpolly3 · 02/04/2021 19:36

@Easterbunnyishoppingmad

Actually at their ages a court would expect you to encourage them to go...
Not force though Hmm
DeepThinkingGirl · 02/04/2021 19:50

Honestly I’d encourage them to tell their dad that they’re bored and to suggest activities they wanna do

It’s not the father theyre not happy with it’s the arrangement and that can be adjusted

Wishitsnows · 02/04/2021 19:53

The 13yo would have his thoughts taken into consideration so wouldn't have to be forced. Rubbish for the younger ones though

TolkiensFallow · 02/04/2021 19:57

You need to do everything you can to encourage them to go. It might be hard work at times but they are living in the here and now, not thinking about the long term impact on their relationship with their father. As their mother it’s your job to think about this and push it.

If you can, have a conversation with the dad about the issues and see if you can work as a team to encourage them.

Easterbunnyishoppingmad · 02/04/2021 20:02

Actually the op would be expected to put them in the car...
*Advised my barrister.
Luckily exh lost his case and it never came to that.

needadvice54321 · 02/04/2021 20:02

I wouldn't force them, no. However I would very much encourage, make sure you aren't seen to be facilitating not seeing their Dad

WeekendCEO · 02/04/2021 20:10

You’ve said he’s a good dad so yes I would make them go. Have a chat with them to tell them dad loves them and wants to see them. Having good parents and family isn’t something everyone has so I think it’s really important to nurture those relationships with good family members.

Why are they bored with their dad? What can they do with you but not with Dad that makes them bored?

RedGoldAndGreene · 03/04/2021 16:00

Depends what you mean by force

In a court situation the 13yo would be allowed to choose his contact. The 5yo and 10yo would not.

My kids are older and have gone through periods of saying the same but I think they were cba or didn't want to go out in the cold rather than avoiding their Dad. They were also sometimes reluctant when one of their siblings weren't going but once they were with Dad they had fun. In their case it was the thought of going rather than their actual time spent there.

I wouldn't be dropping them off kicking and screaming but think that they don't have a choice really. Life is boring at the moment. No places to go like cinemas plus there might be other minor stuff like toys at Dad's house being different.

user1493413286 · 03/04/2021 16:11

If when they were at his they said they didn’t want to go back to yours would you be ok with them just staying there or would you expect him to encourage them and make them come home to you?
If there isn’t a good reason for them not wanting to go then I would say it’s not optional; this happens at time with kids but it only gets worse if you let them not go as it effects the relationship. They aren’t old enough to make decisions that have a long term consequence.
In general kids often don’t want to do things (school, clubs, visit relatives) but you don’t let them make the decisions.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 03/04/2021 16:29

All of them should be going. How would you feel if it was the other way round?

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