Someone stop me from losing my s**t

[Itsalwayssunnyin]

Hey
I’m so close to flipping my lid at my ex partner because I am sick to death of how unreasonable he is. I never ever enter a confrontation with him and normally go above and beyond to avoid any form of disagreement because he will argue with me about ANYTHING, even down to the way I say ‘hello’. True story.

Anyway. I am going back to work full time next month and our DD is currently with a childminder two days a week. They can’t accommodate an increase in hours so she will be at nursery the other three days.
I am paying for all of the childcare which is £1100 a month and I am happy to do this because it’s my choice to work full time and I know that’s dads aren’t legally required to pay childcare as he so happily reminds me. He does pay me £169 a month in maintenance and sees her every other weekend.

Today he has started an argument with me because he doesn’t agree with our DD having her time split between nursery and childcare. I am so annoyed because I think that’s better for her, as she absolutely loves her childminder and sees her as extended family. I feel this will be kinder on her than full time in to nursery in a totally new environment.

He is not contributing in any way to her childcare but is so opinionated about my choices. When he has previously told me that’ it’s none of my business who looks after our DD on his contact days, why the fuck is it different for me?

I’m trying so hard not to bite because he wants that from me but it’s so hard I feel like I’m going insane.

Sorry I mean he doesn’t agree with her having her time split between nursery and the childminder

Go and have some kind of treat if you can. A hot chocolate or an almond crossaint or something. Maybe take a 5 min walk around the block with some headphones in if you can. Failing that, write down what you'd like to say to him, fuck, bugger and all, and then delete it. It might help. I've done the same in my time!!

Also I'm sorry that he is a dick.

(no idea why the daffodils are bad so here's one that's meant in a nice way because it's spring and they are happy flowers).

I may need to do that. I feel like I’m banging my head against the wall all the time and on days like this is just don't understand how I am supposed to deal with this for the foreseeable future.
I love Daffodils - so thank you for that! I may just go and buy myself a bunch today!

I forgot to add - he has asked me for months on end to tell him what the costs are for the childcare because he ‘really wants to contribute’ so I asked him for £100 towards the £1100 total. He totally shamed me for asking him and said it’s not fair as his ‘brother never paid that much in maintenance’.
I said I get it if he doesn’t want to or can’t afford to because it’s my choice to increase the childcare, not his. But I can’t get over his insistence on me asking for help then totally making me feel embarrassed and ashamed when I do?
He’s told me today that he has a right to have a say in it seeing as though I asked him to pay another £100 for ‘his daughter’ as he likes to say.
But that’s irrelevant because he’s not fucking paying it anyway!

I can’t deal with his unreasonable and irrational logic.

Just don’t tell him anything,
Problem solved

I used to think that wasn’t possible but slowly I am starting to think about not sharing anything with him at all. Is that wrong for me to do?

I don’t tell my ex anything, google grey rock

Don't share anything that apart from what he really needs to know. He is obviously just going to use anything as a stick to beat you with.

Or you can tell him that when he is paying it he can have an opinion.

Don't engage. I would reply with sorry you feel like that and not enter into anything more.

What happens when you parent is your watch and if he could co parent amicably then this could be different. But he isn't so don't give him any ammunition. Ignore anything other than pick up times and anything that needs to be shared.

I agree not engaging is the best course of action here. Cut the communication right down to arranging pick up times etc. The childcare when she is in your time is nothing to do with him so don't even discuss

You only really need to tell him important things, not day to day stuff like child care etc that’s where you’re going wrong.

Thanks everyone. I do feel like I am at a point where telling him nothing about my choices is the only thing to do. It’s not preferable because I wish I wouldn’t have to do it that way and I feel upset for our DD that he can’t just be amicable and co-operative.
But that’s not the reality I’m living so I guess grey rock is the only way.

A combination of nursery and a childminder is very good actually. It gives the child the experience of a large group of children as well as some days in a small group with a childminder they are already close to and comfortable with.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with your childcare choices. The problem is with your ex - but you already know that.

Just tell him that your arrangements suit both you and your DD and you are happy with your choices. Then avoid engaging with him about it. Limiting what you say to him and how much information you give him is probably a good move.

@Lindy2
Thank you. I felt the same and I know that this set up will be easier on her, as she will feel like she’s with extended family when she’s with the childminder!
I’m going to limit it now, I’ve been too reasonable for too long and it feels like I’m just constantly betraying my own boundaries for absolutely no gain whatsoever.

My ex brought this up in court 10 years ago (among a 1000 other petty complaints) and Cafcass told him it was none of his business how I arranged my childcare. I tried to co-parent and involve him and found he ''objected'' to pretty much every decision I made. I stopped telling him as it was the only way to survive. He also contributes a pittance, and not towards childcare.

Tell him to go shove it. Ffs what is it with these men???

Thanks for your opinion arse, I mean Ex, it is what it is, this is how it works and I’m merely keeping you informed, nothing more.

Absolutely don't tell him anything.... unless he contributed he really doesn't have a say in anything!

I find with my ex I talk about really boring things... like how I clean the washing machine, or spent the afternoon cleaning out the garage and going to the dump 😂 he doesn't stick around long

I've slowly learned to stop telling him stuff. If he asks about something I'll tell him but he rarely thinks to. When I did try to involve him, because I didn't want to has to make big decisions alone, it was clear that as an eow nrp he simply couldn't make sensible choices. He didn't know the logistics of my work / childcare etc, he didn't know the local knowledge of the schools to pick from and in the end yes, if he's not contributing a sizeable chunk, he gets zero say. Have you ever broken down for him, that £168 is just over £5 a day? Big whoop. Pathetic.