I have 2 DD 8 & 9. I split with their father before my second was born. He’s been in and out of their lives for the whole time and since my two has had 3 other children with 3 different women. He doesn’t have any contact at all with his other children (he blames the mothers).
The problem now is that DD’s have started to pick up on his behaviour. Even though he’s never been there or done anything remotely fatherly they used to still adore him.
The whole of lockdown he’s been furloughed but hasn’t bothered to see them apart from when I asked for DD bday. I picked him up and dropped him off to see DD for her birthday in December. He came over, drank beer and didn’t even bring her a card. He got neither Xmas presents and didn’t visit at Xmas. This of course upset my DD’s. Not because of the physical presents but the fact he bought beer and cigarettes and just took pictures/videos the whole time for FB instead of giving my DD birthday presents/playing/chatting etc. He has not got Xmas presents 3 times now and one time even told them that Santa didn’t go to his house because they were naughty.
He doesn’t really do anything when he has them apart from drink beer and smoke, leaving them to it, which my DD’s only told yesterday! During lockdown he split up with another girl so has moved back into shared accommodation. This is a regular thing. DD’s have expressed that they don’t want to stay there if he requests because they have to share a bed with him and there’s 4 other men in the house, shared bathroom etc. There’s no space or privacy. I have brought this up with him but he doesn’t see the issue.
He’s seen them twice in a year (used to see them twice a month for roughly 24 hours - his choice) but he would routinely let them down so that wasn’t consistent. He was meant to see DD’s recently but my daughter cancelled because he’s been breaking covid rules. He’s been having parties regularly with his friends. He thinks covid is all a lie 🙄
He rings them roughly every other day, asking weird questions and critiquing what activities I’ve done with them/fed them etc. He expects me to have fun stuff planned/gourmet meals everyday but I work so literally don’t have the energy to be super mum every evening! DD’s normally just want to chill after school anyway.
Of course with 5 kids his financial contribution is is pathetic. He will also promise them gifts/pets/days out regularly and ALWAYS let them down. I have sometimes ended up doing/getting what he said because he will mention it for weeks, really getting their hopes up. “Are you excited baby” and then there will be a money problem or he’ll be moving house again or too busy. it’s not fair on them.
There’s literally soooo much more he’s done - or should I say hasn’t...but this is so long already! The main issue I have now is that my DD’s are constantly in tears saying they don’t want to see him because of everything he’s done. They still pick up the phone when he rings and speak normally but when he hangs up they complain or cry and have asked me to tell their Dad their true feelings. I have tried but he gets so nasty and thinks it’s me coercing DD’s if they’re ever upset about his behaviour. They’re too scared tell him so won’t and I won’t ask them too!
How on earth do I tell him his children don’t want to see him? And not force them to have contact when they don’t want it?! Legally am I allowed to let them choose if they want contact?
Thanks
S x