Ex's birthday - am I being unreasonable?

[firsttimemumma5]

My ex (who sees LO every other weekend) has asked to switch up weekends so he can see LO on his birthday (my ex's birthday, not LO's).

Currently he comes to visit us for two day visits as he doesn't have his own address, which would mean having to host him on his birthday. We did this last year and it was really uncomfortable & made me feel like I had to make an effort for it and it just felt weird. He's not present for my birthday (it hasn't fallen on his weekend thus far) and he doesn't do anything for it.

LO is only one so doesn't know what's going on. Of course when she's bigger I'll leave the decision to her, and am happy to do a gift etc on her behalf. I just don't really want to host him on his birthday if it isn't on his weekends anyway.

Am I being unreasonable saying no to changing our schedule? Thanks

Say no. Does he stay with you for these 2 day visits?

He wants to spend his whole birthday being hosted by his ex?

No, not unreasonable to say no OP, tbh it sounds really awkward. But I would probably offer him to pop round for a cup of tea, and a slice of cake with your LO.

You are not unreasonable at all.

“No ex, that doesn’t work for me. Feel free to come and take DD out somewhere for a couple of hours on your birthday though, tell me what time suits you and I’ll have her ready to go”.

I'd just say you have plans for that weekend so unfortunately not. It's not something that will benefit your LO, so no need to accommodate. In fact better to put a boundary up - your ex needs to work on building up his life apart, not sink back into you hosting his birthday.

He is getting too cosy with the arrangement op.. Is there a deadline for his own living arrangements?

God no, I’d say that you have plans that weekend, and even if you didn’t it’s not particularly appropriate. He needs to secure a permanent address, and soon

Make little one available for him, but say that he can't have her in your house.

Good god no. Fair enough he can come pick little one up and take them out for a few extra hours in addition to his normal EOW but don’t bloody host the mans birthday! Which is what it would turn into.

No. Can't he come and take them to the park for a couple of hours?

Thanks for your replies, it's nice to hear I'm not being unreasonable haha.

@PanamaPattie he arrives at 10am & leaves by 5pm on each day but pretty much spends the whole day in my home (obviously it's been a bit forced by lockdown). He used to stay over in the spare room (I don't really know why I let him for so long) but our arrangement is sort of working, although looking forward to not hosting at all.

@MangoBiscuit that's a nice idea!! Might do something like that!

@Easterbunnygettingready I agree tbh, I wish he would hurry up and sort his own home out. I've told him I'll host him until his job starts full time in August, and then he needs to start sorting his own place to have LO. I just don't want LO not to see her dad because he can't get organise something!

I think you are right (thanks for everyone's input!!) about allowing him to take her out for a couple of hours. A little bit of extra dad time would be good for her (and gives me a bit of time off to haha). Thanks everyone !!!

"Yes, you can have LO.

No, I'm not available to host you. Actually, it's probably time for me to stop hosting you in any case and for you and LO to start building your own relationship."

Why did you even do it last year?!
Sounds weird. No wonder it made you feel uncomfortable.

Who does he live with?

@SunnySideUp2020 I'm not really sure why I did thinking back now! It was in the midst of lockdown and he was super insistent - this year I've learned to stand up for myself a bit more!!

@EvilEye he lives in a house share but is two hours away (it's a long story) so it's not really appropriate for LO to travel so far every time to see her dad, so we decided to have him come to us until he can move closer with work, although I'm beginning to think he's taking advantage of my hospitality (I do it for my daughter, I really don't like having him here otherwise!). He's going to rent somewhere nearby in the next few months...fingers crossed

No way would I host him or have him stay over.

What was he planning to do, drive over for the daytime and leave at 5? Or would he expect dinner cooked and to stay overnight?

Is your house rented?

He's got a cheek hasn't he. I'm gobsmacked.

Reach a compromise, totally understandable to see the little one on his birthday but not ok to stay all weekend that’s crazy