Asking for advice: work:motherhood juggle

[Libelula21]

Hi,

I'm an older mum (45) of a soon to be 4 year old. I was widowed just over 2 years ago.

My DH was very hands on, very supportive, cut back on his working hours to help. Since losing him, it's been a blur of bereavement, and pandemic. I've had a lot leave, some compassionate, a lot unpaid, and too little on furlough.

Now I'm coming through the storm: feeling stronger, and an end to the pandemic is in sight. My DD is private nursery 3 days per week. And it's dawning on me now: I don't know what's about to hit me.

I'm financially OK just now, due to life assurance and widow's pension, but I'm going to have to work, and as soon as DD is in school, there will be after school care and holiday camps to juggle. All year, all day nursery is such a luxury...

I'm tired from being a lone parent, I feel ancient, and in the blink of an eye, I'm going to have at least a decade of juggling work, school hours, and trying to be a happy, engaged mum. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I haven't worked full time since going on maternity leave 4 years ago.

I have very, very little by way of family support.

Any advice? I'm on a career break at the moment from a job I simply don't enjoy (and am not particularly good at).

I have no practical advice- but I just want to tell you that I was widowed at 47 when my kids were 4 and 6. No family nearby (my father had already passed away and my mother was in her 80s, my in laws not that interested and late 70s). The difference was I did have a bit of a financial cushion - not immediately (i had to borrow money for the funeral), but after selling the house I could buy one half the size further away with the equity.
You get through it because you have to. You work part time and don't go on holiday or get takeaways and/or new clothes. You share an afterschool child minder or swap babysitting duties with another parent. I'm sure someone else can help with what to do during the summer- but a mix of summer camp and childminder seems the most common solution. We went in holiday to my sisters every other year, and eventually moved far enough that housing was considerably cheaper.
Then in a few years your child will be independent enough to stay on their own after school, not need so much physical care.
You will feel guilty but its the reality and your child will be proud you managed to work and bring them up - I'm sure you'll do a great job, though it is very very hard.

Thank you @Midlifephoenix

It sounds like you have done a great job, and as someone walking in similar shoes, I say hats off to you. (I try so hard not to seem like a victim, it's a success when people do not realise how hard I am struggling.... but it's also hard to have so much struggle go unseen.)

I do have a financial cushion too, thankfully, and have been able to stay in the same house. I'm worried that the fallout from covid and brexit could be very harmful though, both for savings and employment.

I am doing my best, and still getting my head round my new reality, but I have no doubt there will be a lot of guilt ahead.

Did you ever try meeting someone new, may I ask? Pandemic has had an impact both on my grieving process - lots of space and time, lots of time with my child - and on my loneliness.

I can't imagine how the past few years have been for you.

I wasn't widowed. But did not want my relationship to end. It took me a long time to accept and adjust.

Be kind to yourself. I'm sure you know that. I work three days which I can move around if I need too.

I had an amazing child Minder who took the older ones in the school holidays. And did wrap around care also. You make it work. Keep dinners simple. Get things ready the night before and go to bed early.

I also have a weekly Callander on the wall with activities when they were open. Non school uniform days appointments etc. So had a visual plan for the week. My plan is now for the children to take more responsibility. Teaching them to cook simple meals and use the washing machine etc. But mine are older than yours.

So sorry for your loss op, it must be so hard for you.

I've not been in your situation but have experienced certain hardships that make me confident is giving you the following advice:

1. Find a lovely nearby childminder for dd. Don't do holiday clubs etc. The right childminder will be able to form a bind with your dd and she can be picked up from school and enjoy a cosy home environment.

1. Go as part time as you can. Your life has already been ridiculously tough, don't spend the next 10 years flogging your guts out. Take the easier route.

1. Find a job that doesn't require you to be a performing monkey. Only work for nice managers and for companies that truly support flexible working.

Good luck!

I was widowed nearly seven years ago at 37 with three children under ten and very little family support. The first couple of years were incredibly tough but it has got easier. I couldn't face going back to my old job so I retrained in a job I love and am working part time, and hoping to increase gradually over the next few years. My youngest is now 8 and the two oldest are teenagers. We get by OK and I'm so proud of 'OK'. Like you, my DH was very hands on and I do still get bogged down with domestic stuff and all the juggling that feels like a huge burden to shoulder alone. My plan is that when I increase my working hours I'll be able to buy in more help. The biggest 'mistake' I made was to overindulge the oldest two and let them get away with things, with the result that they don't help me much. Again, I'm planning for that to change once I'm out of the house more - they will need to step up and cook etc.

My advice is to try to have some time off sometimes, don't work more than you need to, don't try to do it all perfectly. Find reliable, flexible childcare. Remind yourself regularly of how far you have come.

And in response to your other question, I have recently met someone and although it sometimes feels like yet another thing to fit in and juggle, it is possible and, I think, worth it. But I wasn't ready for a proper relationship before that and my feelings have come as a surprise.

Hi OP, I was widowed 6 years ago when the children were 12 and 10. It has been very hard . My advice would be - I agree with pp whom said work part time if you can. I tried to work full time and totally burnt out and ended up having to have some time off.
I used a childminder when the kids were in primary school - and a babysitter . I felt guilty but there was no other way to manage it really.

If you can afford it get a cleaner - this leaves weekends free for the kids . I did that when they were younger and it was a god send.

look after yourself - sleep, exercise and eat well - for afew years I really neglected myself and it made all the emotions I was going through ten times worse.

And meeting someone ? I haven't so far - and that's the hardest thing I have found as I feel so guilty leaving my kids to do anything - even though they're teenagers now .

And don't look too far in advance and worry abt the future - just take each day as it comes - on the plus side me and the kids are a very close family unit - they are happy and good kids.

Good luck and take care !

I am in the same situation. The two best things I did? 1. Hire a cleaner once a week so you can have weekends for family time. 2. I spoke with the school headteacher about my trouble finding wraparound care because my job finished later than school after clubs a couple of times a week. She introduced me to one of their TAs looking to make extra money who became wonderful after school childcare on those days as she brought my son home to our house after school, gave him his tea and, as he got older, drove him to football practice, all before I got home from work. It was a great solution.

I would consider a live-in au pair or even a nanny.

Thank you all of you for taking the time to reply.

All useful advice. I think so much of the past couple years has been a combination of shock, grief adrenaline and lockdown, I’m only beginning to properly take stock of my situation now.

I’ve never been an organised person whether its housework, budgeting, meal planning, whatever. I feel like I’m going to have to change my personality to cope! Part of it is still the overhang of having become a mother quite late - I’m an introvert who always enjoyed solitude and quiet time, reading, etc. I fear that I just won’t manage to have any sort of inner life.

Financially, I’m comfortable, I think. But the money has to see my son to adulthood, and there’s a lot of uncertainty immediately ahead, so I haven’t got my head round it all.

I took a cleaner, but it was just before lockdown, so he’s only come twice, and that was before Xmas. I actually found it a struggle to get the house tidy / decent enough for him to come in and clean.

@mamette a live in au pair sounds great, but unfortunately my house is too small. I could potentially move, though.

Self care is an important point - I used to love exercise, but now my weight has ballooned and that has an impact on energy levels and self esteem.

Those of you who answered with more than one child: I have no idea how you’ve come through that. I take my hat off to you.

Thanks all. I’m off to bed now!