Sending for one child but not the other?l

[Happycat1212]

Hi I posted a little while back as my ex is in and out of our children’s lives and doesn’t ever really seem to be able to stick to any contact, he’s always been rubbish since we split and sees them for a bit then doesn’t, he has mental health problems and blames it on that. They have got use to him not being around. He was seeing them recently but isn’t anymore. A few weeks ago for my sons birthday he sent a card and gift in the post i wasn’t expecting it as this is the first time he’s ever done that, birthdays and Christmas are usually ignored, I was unsure about giving this to my son due to his absence I didn’t want to upset him or cause confusion, well I posted on here and the advice was to give it to him so I did. A few weeks have gone by and yesterday was our other sons birthday and nothing! He didn’t send anything at all, so he sent for one and not the other whose birthday is a few weeks later. My son was clearly upset as I saw him looking at the card for his brother, I just don’t know how you can do that! How can you send to one child and not the other? I now am I annoyed I even gave it to my other son. I was tempted to pretend one of the presents I got him was from his dad but didn’t want to lie like that but I could see he was hurt, should I have pretended one was from his dad? If he sends anything again I will not be giving it to them in future as he clearly can’t be consistent and it isn’t fair.

How old are the boys?

Just had a search and the one who received the card is 6. How old is the other son?

Actually I think, in this instance I would have pretended one present was from his dad. Is it too late to order a little something and pretend his dad got the dates mixed up? You shouldn’t have to but it’s to save your little boy’s feelings. Then in future, I wouldn’t give any gifts sent.

Thanks for the comments, that’s the debate I had in my head, it’s not too late for me to get something but I couldn’t work out whether it was best because I didn’t want to lie to one son but keeping it from him but now I’m lying to the other if I give him something 😣 The trouble with that is my daughters birthday is in a few months so do I send one to her too I mean it’s just so many lies! He shouldn’t have put me in this position. My son was 6 he turned 7 on the 10th of March and my older boy just turned 9

You poor thing. How awful for the other child. What ages are they?
I would ask if you reminded him about the second birthday but I guess that would sound as if I’m blaming you when clearly there is a bigger picture here.
I wouldn’t give a pretend gift. I would be honest and say their dad is not a reliable person. Tell the child it’s not personal - ie it’s not that one child is less important to the dad, it’s just that he is unreliable. Full stop! No more ranting about him. Let them find out themselves as they grow older what he is like.
Once you’ve explained, make a bit of an extra fuss of the left-out child to make up for it. Encourage the other child to make a special fuss too so that the left-out child feels fully supported by you all and doesn’t feel that the other child is smug or “better” in any way.
You’ll have these children in your life forever and their selfish, unreliable parent will not. His loss! X

Cross-post - just saw the ages.
Calmly tell dd too that she may or may not receive a gift and not to get her hopes up. And strongly encourage all 3 children to support each other no matter who gets remembered or forgotten. It’s not them, it’s him. They need to know that.

^^ Agree with this.
Are you able to text your ex ask ask why he's sending stuff for one kid only and whether he plans to send for dd too? Is he so crap that he's forgotten the date?
It's tough for kids to find out their parent is crap at any age and I'd say that if they find out as teens that you gave them pretend Dad gifts that they are likely to be angry with you for lying rather than understand that it was to protect their feelings.
You also run the risk of not being able to match gifts. What if he buys one a car or gives them a big cheque on their 18th or something ?
I think that you did the right thing giving your son the gift even though it would be easier if he sent no gifts.
I would warn dd that she might not get a card/gift. Is ds' card in a communal area of the house? I'd consider displaying it in a place so his brother doesn't see it all the time. I know from experience how heart breaking this is. If they want to vent let them and don't make excuses for him.

Just a quick update, I messaged him in the end to ask him what happened... he claimed he did send one, I told him I didn’t receive anything, he claimed to have a picture of the order (his suggestion, I didn’t ask for proof) but the picture wouldn’t send apparently he then said he would send another that would arrive today.... well it did, and it has a different child’s name on so I can’t even give it to him 🤦‍♀️ I give up now, can’t make someone be a good parent.

Lucky I checked it before giving it to him!

Is he genuinely scatty and forgetful or is it pure selfishness? (Thin line I know). When you remind him of things is he appreciative and remorseful or does he get angry? I guess that might help you to decide whether to remind him of things - not your job I know but for the DCs sake.
You can only do so much though. Stick to one reminder close to an important event and let him do the rest. If he can’t step up to that, don’t pretend to the Dc. Just be honest and say he’s unreliable and that’s just who he is.

I’m not going to remind him, in future I’m just not gonna give them anything from him, that was my initial thoughts but after posting on here a few people said I shouldn’t lie to my son etc that’s why I gave it but from
Now on I will stick with not giving things if he can’t be consistent. Not my job to remind him. I would be surprised if he forgot genuinely as his birthday is in the same month (all 3 of them have their birthday in March, him and my 2 sons so would be difficult to forget)

I remember your thread in relationships....unless it was an identical one. I thought most people said not to give it to him... I certainly did after everything you said about the Ex.

Even if it’s got the wrong n’a,e on and is a bit naff, I think refusing to give it will just end up deflecting any anger due to ExH onto you.

n’a,e meaning name 😳

Yeh it was me, I thought about it and it kept ringing in my head the comments about lying to him. I didn’t give him the other card, it had the wrong name on it, the whole point of him sending one was meant to make him feel better not worse, would people really give a child a card with a different name on it? Anyway lesson learnt, I will definitely not give anything from him in future, he’s proven he can’t even be consistent with that.

I think you were right to give it to him. You can’t withhold gifts that aren’t yours.
Just make sure they know not to rely on him and keep moving forward with your own lives🙂

Thank you, I won’t be giving anything in future just because I now know he can’t be consistent with all the children and I don’t think that’s fair to give one and not the other.