started to constantly worry about dying and what will happen if i do. Feels horrible and cant snap out of it

[juicychops]

Last few weeks at work there has been lots of pension meetings as out current pension is changing and i have only just joined it.

Ive had to fill out forms and read up loads on what will happen when i die and who i want to get the payout from work of 4 x my salary.

Ive put everything to my ds and for my dad to look after for him. But its made me feel awful the last few weeks i constantly think about what could kill me today and what will happen to ds if i died.

im absolutely terrified of dying and leaving ds alone. His dad doesn't have any contact and i would never want ds to have to go to him if i died. I feel like im constantly in fear. Please can someone make me snap out of it

Maybe you'll feel better if you just bite the bullet and decide who you'd want to look after your ds.

How old is he?

Would your parents be able to look after him if you died before he's 18, or would a brother or sister be better?

Whoever you decide, you could then make a will including a clause appointing that person to be your ds's guardian. You'd normally also cover in the will how that guardian would be able to access funds to pay for your ds's upkeep, and when you'd want him to inherit the rest.

If you've put plans in place, you may stop worrying about it.

Hi

I worry about that too - I think that it is natural for single parents to worry. As you we are on our own bringing up our children the thought of us not being there any more is awful.

I don;t think that you can ever stop worrying about it but just make sure that you have adequate life insurance and clear details in your will as to what you want to happen to your child were you to die.

I must get my own affairs sorted out though as I worry constantly about DS and what would happen if I were to die - the immediate effect - ie him finding my dead and saying Mummy. wake up mummy etc etc and how long it would be before someone realised I was dead and came to get him - and then what would actually happen to him.

I'm sorry I am probably not helping at all am I? I think it is just one of the bad things about being a single parent!

spoke to my mum about it this evening and she said between her, my dad and my sis they would make sure he was well looked after and that his dad and his dad's family would have nothing to do with him.

my ds is 2.10 it makes me want to cry when i think of him not understanding that he isn't ever going to see me again. I hope to god it never happens

Thing is, Juicy, it's lovely that your family would rally round, but unless you've specifically appointed guardians (can be more than 2) in your will, then if anything did happen to you your ds could well go into care whilst arrangements were made.

I do strongly recommend making a will (I'm a lawyer and have seen this situ go pear shaped). If your ex has parental responsibility, then he would be the first choice for social services and obviously you want to avoid that happening.

For the sake of half an hour with a lawyer and about £140 fee, you could get some peace of mind.

Hi Juicy,
Glad to hear that your family have been able to reasure you a bit that they would look after ds. I worry about this a lot too, I decided that the only thing I can really do about it is to make a will appointing guardians (and gave a statement about why it wasn't their father who doesn't have PR and who they have v limited contact with)which I did, cost about £100. other than that I try to have a good diet and healthy lifestyle, that was to only other thing i could think of that i could do!

Irises - if you specify in your will who you want to be your childs guardian and ex does not have any access, is that set in stone or could ex still have it over ruled? I worry that LO might end up with ex despite his awful behaviour and all the stress he's caused. Plus, I've been told that there are different types of will and different fees, depending on how much detail you want to go into. Is this true? How do I know what level of will I need? Hope you don't mind me asking all these questions but I've been worrying about this for ages. I'm really glad it's been brought up on here and that I'm not alone!

Zmandaz, unfortunately the appointment of a guardian is not set in stone, however if there was a dispute it would certainly bear a lot of weight in court.

The father would have to apply for a residence order under the Children Act. Whoever the child is living with, eg grandparents would be parties to the proceedings.

The court would appoint a CAFCASS officer (sort of social worker) who would do an in depth investigation of the father and grandparent's situation, visiting them at home, observing the child interacting with them, talking to the child alone, the school, any other relevant adults, then write a report into their findings, making a recommendation as to what is in the child's best interest.

In circumstances where the child had an ongoing relationship with grandparents (using this as an example, could equally be close friends, aunt & uncle etc), and little or no relationship with the father, and particularly if moving to the father would mean change of school, friends, missing close relatives etc, then imo it would be more than likely that the child would remain with family, but see the father on a reasonably regular basis so wasn't truly in position of orphan.

As well as the Cafcass report, the court would, as I've mentioned take account of the mother's wishes set out in the guardianship appointment.

The other advantage of doing a will is that rather than all the money being tied up in trust till 18 or 21, the Guardians can access the money to pay for the child's upkeep.

Hi zmandaz,
when i went to the solicitors to do mine she said that nothing is set in stone, but appointing a guardian will show what your wishes were if you die, then if ex contests it they have in writing why he is not appropriate, I also gave them a detailed diary I keep of broken contact ect ect to be put on file as supportive evidence. She said that if it were to go to court and an ex who has no contact/very limited unreliable contact wont look very good compared to their granny who sees them every week,picks them up from school,is stable and reliable, ect ect.