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My child treats me horribly

22 replies

purpleme12 · 07/03/2021 16:17

My child is 7 and bites me and screams and calls me horrible names and doesn't listen to anything I say and I can't cope anymore
She hates me
And I used to have a good relationship with her and I don't know where I went wrong that she doesn't care
I can't do it anymore

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Changeychange1 · 07/03/2021 16:21

Has she been exposed to those behaviours from adults, perhaps though domestic abuse? Exposure can normalise those behaviours and children need support in developing their communication skills/ conflict resolution.

Princessbanana · 07/03/2021 16:25

Do you think this is her attitude or do you think there is something underlying? ADHD or just being bold?

purpleme12 · 07/03/2021 16:36

No she's always been stubborn
But I can't do it anymore
I don't care anymore
I can't get any respect from anyone anymore

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purpleme12 · 07/03/2021 16:36

I just can't do it

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Givemeabreak88 · 07/03/2021 16:43

Speak to your gp, there may be a reason.

Princessbanana · 07/03/2021 16:46

Where is her father? What does he think of this? Does she have grandparents in her life?

DinosaurDiana · 07/03/2021 16:49

What have school said about her behaviour ?

purpleme12 · 07/03/2021 16:53

She wouldn't do this at school
She knows it's wrong
It's just to me

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Givemeabreak88 · 07/03/2021 16:54

Is it a recent thing? How recent? Anything that has triggered it?

kerkyra · 07/03/2021 16:55

Theres a reason she is behaving like this. How about you go and say ' I love you so much and want you to know you can talk to me about anything. Then give her a hugh hug and say tomorrow we start a fresh week and we are both going to be kind to each other,ok '. Sometimes a hug can do wonders op.good luck,its hard being a parent but you will be fine.

purpleme12 · 07/03/2021 17:01

@Givemeabreak88

Is it a recent thing? How recent? Anything that has triggered it?
She didn't go to this extreme before march last year
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purpleme12 · 07/03/2021 17:01

I'm fact it was all pretty good before then

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Love51 · 07/03/2021 17:04

Get the school learning mentor or the relevant person to refer you to the early help services in your area. It sounds like you need real life support.

KarmaNoMore · 07/03/2021 17:12

Okay, there are some things you can try, but I need to stress the point that whatever you do, don’t assume it is a phase and that it will pass on its own.

Allowing such behaviour will only get worse, especially when you are on your own. The only times the behaviour improves “on its own” is if someone else does the work for you, like a teacher or peers showing them their actions are unacceptable.

You should find why she is behaving like that, definitively, but however frustrated she is feeling she needs to be told you won’t condone the behaviour, whatever you do, don’t let her be violent towards you, you need to stay in charge to avoid things getting far more messy during teenage.

When she behaves like that, ask her to stop, don’t shout, don’t raise your voice or show you are angry, if she doesn’t stop just walk and stay away until she has calmed down.

Once the worst of the tantrum is gone go back to her and acknowledge her frustration/anger but tell her calmly that you are not going to put up with that behaviour because it is not fair that she treats you like that. Don’t show anger or upset, talk to her as you want her to talk to you, respectfully and with consideration, you can tell her you love her but that you are not going to put up with that.

Children need to be taught to control their emotions, it is ok to cry if they are upset but violence should never be tolerated after they know how to speak and explain, even in general terms, what is upsetting them.

You and your child should be a team, make her aware you have feelings and rights as she does and that you also need her to do her part. One of the ways I got DS to understand I also had rights was by taking turns: one day of the weekend was to do whatever special thing he wanted so if he wanted to stay in a play area for 4 hours on a Saturday I would just bear with it, but he was expected to do the same for me (no complaining) if I wanted to spend 4 hours in an art museum the next day.

Another important thing is to show them their actions have consequences. If you ask them to do something and they ignore you, don’t nag, don’t shout, just do it yourself, but next time they ask you for a treat or going to the park just say: do you remember that I ask you to do x and you totally ignored me? Well I’m not going to do what you wanted me to do for you today. They need to know saying no it is also an option for you.

I know that some people would feel horrified at what I have written above but a child who knows the boundaries, knows what are the rules, that they are fair and they would be applied fairly, grows feeling more secure and confident.

Take it easy, one thing at the time, be nice to her, but above all be nice to yourself because you need to be okay and happy to keep this boat afloat.

CelestialGalaxy · 07/03/2021 17:17

You sound at your wits end OP Flowers. I've had difficulty with my daughter and her behaviour around this age and I dont think you are on your own. My daughter wasn't physical to me but she certainly was very distructive. She will come out the otherside it may take awhile, but as long as you are there and calm I'm sure it will help. There are educational psychologists that you can phone and speak to about it, I spoke to one last summer about one of my children and it reassured me about the approach to take. Your child's school should be able to put you in touch (its a free phonecall) or your local council education department website.

indemMUND · 07/03/2021 20:32

I had this with DD at the same age, awful to me but good as gold at school. I asked school for support and they introduced a home/school book. I logged every incident and handed it in daily. She was quickly mortified that her teacher was reading what she'd done and it really helped nip it in the bud. Sorry you're going through this. It feels bloody horrible to give so much and get it thrown back in your face Thanks

BlackeyedSusan · 08/03/2021 14:19

Behaviour is communication...

She wouldn't do it at school because she would be in shed loads of trouble. She does it with you because you are not going to stop loving her, you are safe.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 08/03/2021 14:21

Before March last year? So when Covid hit and children’s worlds were turned upside down?
I’m not saying it’s an excuse for her behaviour, but it could be part of the reason.

purpleme12 · 11/03/2021 23:04

@TheOneWithTheBigNose

Before March last year? So when Covid hit and children’s worlds were turned upside down? I’m not saying it’s an excuse for her behaviour, but it could be part of the reason.
I'm sure that it's had a huge impact. Which makes me so sad
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purpleme12 · 11/03/2021 23:05

Thank you for all of your words
And your support, practically and emotionally
She has recently said she has trouble controlling her anger so she must recognise it....
I'm going to tell school about the problems. I don't know what they'll say. I have never been in this situation before.
I didn't think we would be here to be honest

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minipie · 11/03/2021 23:43

My DD can be like this, she’s 8. She has a neurological issue which causes her to have problems with emotional control. But pre covid she had pretty much stopped having major outbursts. It’s really gone backwards during the past year Sad I know home schooling, not seeing friends and all the disruption has had a huge effect.

I can only suggest working on anger management techniques with her. Look up puffer fish breathing (youtube) and zones of regulation (realising when they are getting close to losing it, before they lose it). Try to find interventions that help her when he starts to get angry eg a favourite toy to squeeze or a den to go sit in.

Hopefully return to school will help in a while, although in the next couple of weeks she may be very tired out by school so it may not help short term.

Uggmugg · 11/03/2021 23:56

My daughter was like that when she had big emotions and feelings that she didn't understand. It was like she used all her energy to be on her best behaviour at school, buried all the stuff upset her and then was like a powder keg at home. I have been told that the fact she felt.safe enough to release her stress like that at home showed that we had created a safe space for her to do so. In my experience of 10 long years of getting it wrong until we got it right was that there is that you can't fight fire with fire. You need to acknowledge her feelings and also acknowledge that she doesn't know how to deal with them and end it. Keep.as calm.as possible and let her know you are there for her if she wants a cuddle to end the tantrum. Only when she is calm and can tell you what the problem.is then consequences to actions work.

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