Managing as a single parent

[Helloandhelloagain]

Just hoping to hear positive stories about people managing financially and emotionally!
Single parent to one son (11) work
24 hrs a week and get wages topped up. I’m just suffering from huge anxiety all the time about managing and being able to have just a chance at some what decent life . I don’t earn heaps it covers my rent , bills etc and some left over . So I know I’m lucky in that sense. I just have this overwhelming feeling of dread all the time and not being able to manage or run my car . I don’t know wether it’s because I’m not in a job that requires qualifications so feel like I couldn’t walk in to another ! I lost my mum
Recently, my dad is around but lives hours away. I know life changes etc and I may meet someone but I don’t want to base anything on that . It’s just this feeling of constant dread and it’s horrible. Be nice to hear from a few others how maybe they managed and their life changed and went on the up. Feeling like this is exhausting. Thankyou for any replies

Hello. My DS is 6 (7 is July) and his Dad has been completely absent since Jan 2016. But to be honest I've struggled since having my son as I've never been supported but the dad in all forms. Financially he is ordered to pay maintenance via a DoE order however for the last few years my son has never been paid properly, sometimes receiving between £3 and £4 a month, I've been told I just need to accept it as that's what is sent!
Im not going to lie its tough. And I fear unexpected bills every month. We have no social life and live so far under the breadline its horrible. We have pennies left each month and that's with no money being spent on luxuries. It genuinely makes me sad how poor I am financially and that my son is been raised in this way. I work 30 hours a week around my sons school day. When i worked more the cost of childcare made it pointless. My job is just a job. I dont feel fulfilled but it suits my life as a single parent as I get to be present in his life. I dream of retraining however I could never give up a salary when I have a mortgage and bills to pay. I feel trapped in this financial strain.

But you know what, as hard as it is it's so rewarding. This is going to sound sad. Financially I am poor, but our life is so rich in love. Yes it's exhausting but I look at my child and my heart feels full. Our life has enabled me to really value things like time together, love for each other and I feel such pride that no matter how hard things have been we are making it.

You'll be fine. I promise. Us Mom's just get it done no matter what x

I would just put that dread into something creative that doesn't cost anything like painting or drawing or whatever it is you like to do that at home which doesn't cost a lot so you can feel more fulfilled.
I'm a single mum who can't even drive or afford lessons and the buses here are really expensive.
But do you know what just giving my daughter attention is all she really needs for now. I remember being a child and my mum filling our lives up taking me to everything a child might want to do activity wise and going on all the summer camps, and uk holidays every holiday, but all I ever wanted to do was have her play with me and to be able to play outside in the street with the local kids. As long as he has friends and can join in, and has a mum he can talk to, he will feel like he had a good childhood. Write a list of all the things you want for yourself and work on one at a time. You might find you can manage something a bit better than what you have right now.

I've been doing it 8 years to one DD. Since birth pretty much. no family nearby, a useless ex who can't contribute and is unable to look after DD (pops in occasionally but is a headache!). I still have a lot of anxiety, but have realised it's part and parcel of being a single parent. Recognising that makes me feel a bit better about it, in a weird way.

You have to focus on controlling the things you do have control over - your home, your money, your time, your stuff. And work on getting them as good as you can. Small changes, small steps one at a time towards larger goals without getting too weighed down by the bigger stuff. Decluttering, organising, taking the tiny things that help you feel better. Also put some things to look forwards to in your diary! (Harder at the moment). These help to lift my spirits. Focussing on what you do want to do / make happen, rather than get bogged down in what's wrong.

All this said my anxiety is a LOT better than it was a few years ago, I think I've learned to cope with it better. Recognising it for what it is is really helpful. I think most LPs go through it.

In time you will love the freedom, but it will still have ups and downs. (Doesn't life always). Stay focussed on the process and your successes though. And maybe if you want to train or work towards a career think about what you might really enjoy doing and take the smallest step towards that. For example, if you wanted to be a florist, you might look at online courses, or start to learn about flowers or something. Then the next step becomes clear. I find I need small and big goals to keep me going and keep the hope up!

And staying organised is SOO helpful for anxiety. Paying bills as soon as they come, or replying to emails immediately - action straight away. it helps with the nagging doubt. Finally thinking ahead to Xmas etc - finding ways of saving cash all the time. This really helps me feel better. E.g. wearing extra jumpers to save on heating, or buying from charity shops, or switching mobile phone contracts. Anything you can do to spend less (without completely depriving yourself - we all need a treat) can help you feel more in control.

Best of luck :)

My son was born on 10th dec 20, sadly I'm now a single parent friend recommended mumsnet as a useful asset I'm a first time dad bit overwhelmed

Sorry to hear you are struggling @domisom - it's tough being a parent to a newborn, in particular as a single parent. I would suggest you start your own thread if you need support otherwise people may not see this or be able to give you advice - you may get lost amid the masses of threads. Best of luck!

OP by the time your ds is a teenager soon do try to increase your hours for more money and a better quality of life. That way you will hopefully achieve modest savings for eg car purposes.

Hi OP I'm sorry to hear you have anxiety that must make things very hard. It's very stressful being a lone parent.
I was working full time when my ex left (DD was 5). I'm not a very organised person but I went through all my bills and cut out anything that wasn't absolutely necessary. Cancelled gym membership and TV subscription, went to cheapest Sim only contract on a second hand phone, changed fuel supplier. I probably cut down £250 per month that way. I extended the mortgage term to end when I'm 60 and that took £500 per month off my outgoings.
I moved job to a new company and have moved again since and now earn £14k more than I did when ex left. I've gradually reintroduced luxuries (expensive gym membership) but keep an eye on costs.
There were some dark days in the last 5 years. Slogging back from work to collect DD from after school club, many days running from the tube to the school to get there on time. DD complaining that she was tired and didn't want to go to after school club. Getting home and starting again with the second shift. It was relentless.
But now DD is 11, I am mostly working from home and she can simply let herself in after school and chill out until I finish my day. It feels like it's paid off.
I'm not sure what line of work you're in or how easy it would be to up your hours but it would seem that now your DS is 11 it would be the perfect time to consider a move to full time work. Many organisations are moving to remote working so you might find something that you could do from home (although for me a combination would be better as it can be quite isolating wfh all the time). This would really help you with boosting your pension as well.
Good luck with it and message me if I can help at all.