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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Child maintenance DNA.

23 replies

NCISGibbs · 03/03/2021 19:36

I am in such a state tonight and probably just really need some hand holding. My ex has recently contacted the CMS and said he doesn’t believe our daughter is really his.
We have been separated since June 2019 after I found out I was pregnant in the February due his terribly controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour. After a year of constant harassment and stalking from him I ended up going to the police and he was arrested and charged in December and bailed until court reopens to non-urgent cases. Our daughter is 16 months old. I began dating a lovely man 18 months ago who I have known for years and I am very happy and settled in this relationship. He loves my daughter and while he doesn’t presume to be her ‘new dad’ we do hope that in the future (year-18 months) we will get married and have a child together.
We have only just gone ‘public’ without relationship and still don’t have anything on social media but when my ex found out, he contacted the police and asked for the things back that he had given our daughter since her birth and some of his clothing that he had left here.
He lives in a new town now so I packaged it all up Including her little jewellery box and necklace from him and his family for her birthday.
I’m didn’t react to his demands other than to package up the stuff and send it recorded delivery.
He was supposed to be seeing her during lockdown occasionally but hasn’t bothered and more recently hasn’t taken up the offer of video conferencing contact with our daughter, he also stopped paying maintenance in nov after the stalking all came to a head.
I got a call from the CMS today. He has stated that he doesn’t believe our daughter is biologically his and that is why he has stopped his maintenance payments, that he was not here when our daughter was conceived ( not true obvs) and that he wants a DNA test.
I was so gobsmacked that I burst into tears, the poor girl on the phone kept apologising for having to tell me and I sobbed.
I can’t believe of all the things he would deny that she is his daughter. She is 100% his- no question and in fact he was the one engaging in sex with other people.
I’ve cried so much since and now I’m fucked off.
Has anyone had to deal with this? What happens when she is proven to be his? How and where do you get the test? Is there consequences for him for lying about her parentage?

OP posts:

Original poster

NCISGibbs · 03/03/2021 19:39

I’m not sure if the bit about having a new partner is relevant but I didn’t want to drip feed and wanted to explain why he blew off and demanded her stuff etc back.

OP posts:

GettingItOutThere · 03/03/2021 19:44

no consequences for him, as such. once proven she is his, then he will have to resume payments, either taken straight from wages or an agreed anmount.

what a twat he is. Is he using this as an excuse to walk away?

iloverock · 03/03/2021 19:45

He's a dick. Cms will order him to have dna test. When it comes back as his child he will have to pay.
Actually I think they have to continue to pay until it's proven he's not.

Suzi888 · 03/03/2021 19:48

I’m so sorry, no advice but he sounds horrid. I’m glad you and your DD are happy now. Hope someone can provide you with an answer.,

awesmum · 03/03/2021 19:49

Homes don't panic. They will organise the test, he'll have to pay for it when it's proven she's his. He must continue to pay whilst testing and results one through.
It's not invasive or painful.
I would say 'fine, let's do it.'
Then he can't use this in the future.

awesmum · 03/03/2021 19:49

Homes? I meant honestly

RedGoldAndGreene · 03/03/2021 19:52

Don't worry OP. If the DNA test says that he's the Dad he will have to pay £150 for the test and the CM that he owes you. Hang in there until he's wasted his money

newnamenewposts · 03/03/2021 19:53

Mine did this when dc was five years old.
He never did pay for the test because he knew dc was his but he was just being an arse. It's upsetting but try not to let it bother you. It'll just waste more of his money and make him look and idiot.

Dinnaehinksae · 03/03/2021 19:56

My experience is a few years old now so things might have changed slightly but when I had to do it I went to my local g.p. for it, thankfully there was someone at the local surgery willing to do it as I think it was classed as a private thing where the doctor would get payment directly for performing the test. The father paid for the test and the payments were backdated, but no actual consequences. It was all pretty straightforward once I'd found someone to do it it was quite a quick process too. Once the ball is rolling it should all be explained to you though.

Original poster

NCISGibbs · 03/03/2021 20:01

I feel better knowing it’s as simple and just popping along. TheCMS said today that my case has been frozen until the DNA test has been done and the results are available so no schedule has been set up for collect and pay and he will just have backdate arrears once the test shows that she is his daughter.
I know he is just being a dick head, I was just stunned that he could stoop so low, I felt humiliated that he could even suggest I had been unfaithful.
Thanks so much guys for the reassurance.

OP posts:

Easterbunnygettingready · 03/03/2021 20:02

Let him look a dick. He is only confirming what you knew all along. Dd is his.
And he is a dick..
He will be charged for the test and back owed money.

BlueLikeASmurf · 03/03/2021 20:36

He's a total dick. It's just a delaying tactic. Please don't worry about it. CMS are totally used to knobheads trying this one. They aren't daft.

But it really isn't unheard of that idiots get their mate, or even more stupidly a relative which will show a genetic link, to take the test for them. This often results in prison time for both, or a hefty community sentence. This type of fraud is taken incredibly seriously by the criminal justice service. Fake DNA Test Idiot Brothers

Speak to CMS and say you have photos of him, if you do, that they should use to check the identity of the person who turns up to take the test. Details of any identifying tattoos, scars, piercings etc can also be used to confirm whether the person turning up to take the test is the person who should actually be taking the test.

My BF did that and once her abusive and violent ex learned that he would have to prove his identity when taking the test and that they had photos of him and detailed descriptions of his two full arm sleeve tattoos, he withdrew his denial of paternity and paid up. Well I say he paid up, it was deducted from his benefits.

I have no doubt that he had a mate lined up to take the test in his place who unfortunately did not have matching full arm sleeve tattoos. I almost wish that he'd pushed it further and ended up in prison.

radioband · 03/03/2021 20:50

Do you need the CMS money? If you don’t I’d strongly think about cancelling the claim and leaving him to his own life? He knows the truth really and is playing games. He doesn’t sound like he is ever going to be a great dad. I did this with my daughters dad and it was this best thing I could of done. Obviously if you need the money pursue it. I’m sure they have to pay for the DNA test and any outstanding money owed when it’s proven they’re the dad but could be wrong. Good luck!

Easterbunnygettingready · 03/03/2021 20:53

Cms needs paid regardless of him playing any part. My ex chose not to see dd from her being 2. Didn't mean he got away with not providing for her.
What an odd post.

BlueLikeASmurf · 03/03/2021 22:18

@radioband

It's not about 'needing' the money it's about him taking some responsibility for his DC. Great that you made that decision, but why on earth should these feckless twats be able to walk away from financially supporting their DC, whether they see them or not? Fuck that!

MixedUpFiles · 03/03/2021 22:29

The dna test won’t hurt her at all. It’s not even crazy for him to have it done. It proved conclusively that he is legally responsible. You know the truth and you can feel confident knowing this will just cost him money and mean nothing to you.

Original poster

NCISGibbs · 04/03/2021 01:09

I know without doubt that she is his daughter, I hadn’t been with anyone for almost 4 years when I met him and i certainly wasn’t unfaithful. He has a new girlfriend now so I’m pretty sure this is all part his elaborate backstory for her tbh and to get out of paying. He has a son from another relationship and his sons mum had to go through all of this I found out after I left him. The difference being he always denied parentage of his boy, he has waited for our daughter to be 16 months before claims no she isn’t his.
Beggars belief how he can sleep at night with 2 kids from 2 relationships that he couldn’t give a toss about.

OP posts:

radioband · 04/03/2021 07:15

@BlueLikeASmurf I’m not saying my thoughts are right but I felt better knowing he had nothing to do with her and he couldn’t come back in years to come claiming he’d provided for her, he has never been in touch in over 12 years or paid a penny in longer. I’d get the DNA test so he could never say he didn’t know she was his and then leave it at that or it’s years of stress. I always said if my daughter wanted contact with him at any point I would support it but she never missed what she never had.

Easterbunnygettingready · 04/03/2021 08:42

My dd met her df again at 21. There was no relationship to be had. Despite him paying the grand sum of £27 a week her entire childhood.
Amazing we never emigrated to pastures grand on that....

BlueLikeASmurf · 04/03/2021 19:19

I know radioband and I totally get that. It is a very personal decision to make that only you can make based on your knowledge of the situation.

It's a difficult one to balance. Expecting them to do the decent thing and support their child but knowing that they might use it as leverage further down the line. The attitude that they've paid money so should have 'rights' is wrong but one they will often pull.

It makes me think of all the estranged fathers who never paid a penny in maintenance who come crawling out of the woodwork when their DC become rich and famous, lamenting how they want to be reconciled and how hard done by they have been. Usually in the Daily Mail. It doesn't appear to be an effective approach for some reason....

Kmx123 · 06/03/2021 01:19

Don't stress about it he will pay for the test and when it comes back saying the child his he will have to pay child maintenance on top same thing happened with my ex and when he realised he would have to pay he didn't bother in the end and set up a direct debit

KettleWentBang · 06/03/2021 12:32

He will also have to pay for the test when proven she is his.

Original poster

NCISGibbs · 26/03/2021 11:40

So,
I have now received the notification of needing this test via cellmark.
The problem I am having is that I live very rurally and the nearest GP that I can go to for a test is 92 miles from where i live (as the crow flies), which in reality is around 3 hours from here because of most of the single track road and he charges £86 for the swabs. Cellmark will only cover £38.50.
CMS said I will have to cover the travel to the testing GP and cover the difference in cost of the tests or Pay for home testing where one of their nurses comes to me for around £100.
They can ask the ex to pay the difference but if he says no there is nothing I can do.
this cant be right surely, in is on him to prove that he is not her father as he is on her birth cert.
The problem is and cellmark have confirmed to CMS that many GP's have come off of their testing list as they are not doing these tests because of the covid risk.
I really dont know what to do, I dont have £100 to get the swabs done at home and if i travel to the GP I will lose a day at work and have to pay for my other kids to attend after school club to make sure im back in time.
CMS have said I have to pay it and claim it back of father through small claims if i am that sure he is the father.
can anyone point me to legislation or help with this.
I am happy to go more local to my own GP once they open up to private work again.

OP posts:

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