Deciding what to do if I die and DD's aren't 18.

[vix2812]

Hi,

Short version:

I have 2 kids, one aged 5 years older than the other. The oldest is very responsible and switched on and cares for the younger child since birth. I split from their bio-dad 2 years ago and he has no contact with them, if he did it would be supervised.
I am due to marry next month and have begun to question my original plan that if I should die before they turn 16, he would care for them. (He has already agreed and is a great SD).
My problem comes from the fact he has a child from previous fling, and he has to put lots of effort in to spend time and arrange anything in regards to that child and their relationship together. So...if I leave my kids to him...he would be stuck unable to look after his own or see his own? Atm me and the 2 kids have nothing to do with his child and so any advice on integrating and asking his previous thing for leniency is not going to work.

Shall I find a new trusted person for my kids?

So confused, why do you have nothing to do with his kids? How does he see them then?

I'd be looking at my siblings or parents rather than a man who struggles maintaining a relationship with his kid. (To put it politely)

If I’m honest I don’t understand marrying someone who puts so much time and effort into their child yet you don’t know the child. I think that’s really odd. And I would also have how he is with his own child as a factor in marriage after seeing them together over a long period of time.

I wouldn't marry a man who hadn't introduced me to the little person who should be the number 1 priority in their life.

I definitely wouldn't be leaving responsibility for my children to a man who would marry someone who hadn't met/didnt have a good relationship with their child.

Oh his own child lives around 8 hours travel away so in the sense of their relationship, its just been a case of him travelling to see him and spending hundreds on travel and accommodation.
He only struggles to see his own kid because his ex isn't very reasonable and he's already taken her to court once.

Haxelnutlatteplease, I am struggling with this idea...its been an ongoing struggle of trying to get me and my children involved but it not being allowed by his child's mum...and the logistics of whose children to move to who to make these visits work etc. Honestly though I do think he just won't push for it enough and that's something I've accepted as part of my life and future. May not work, who knows...but I definitely think I owe my children more of a plan prepared just in case.

Is his child not coming to your wedding then?

Sorry I assumed that you meant that you hand his ex had to cajole him into contact.

It would be shit for his child if Dad lived 8 hours away and full-time with his step children. If you died, I think that he should move closer to his child especially if they were under 18 too.

Redgoldandgreen, Its a very good point and precisely what I was thinking. I think the thing he finds tough is that he does loads of dad things with my children and can't with his. (It was the child's mums decision decision move so far away, years ago).

Purpleme, I dont think the child even knows we're getting married next month. He knows we're engaged i think.

But why couldn’t you all go to visit the child or even talk on a video call?

If I were marrying someone, I would want to know all of them including the child.

And if I was marrying with having children myself, I wouldn’t be in a rush so would make sure there is time to meet the child.

If I were you I’d be booking a holiday around a visit there so you can all hang out, even if it’s just half a day and the rest of the time he has with his dad.