I've posted here and there before but recent behaviour from exh means I need to start taking action. Sorry it's probably a long one but I'll try and be concise.
So...exh left me five years ago, I was 8 months pregnant and we had a toddler. He had a girlfriend and we arranged a private contact arrangement of eow and school holidays (holidays were arranged as they came up depending on our plans which mostly worked fine). All fairly amicable once the dust settled, girlfriend did most of the parenting from what I could see but whatever, the kids saw their dad and they were happy and looked after.
When covid hit he refused to see the kids for all of first lockdown, wouldn't even FaceTime, broke up with his girlfriend and essentially disappeared. Contact resumed in September but he wouldn't do holidays. He also wouldn't take them when they were ill or had to isolate (always a bone of contention but made more annoying with longer periods of isolation required thanks to covid-I also work full time and had to take horrendous amounts of unpaid time off)
Over Christmas I caught covid, felt so ill I begged him to take the kids back-he'd already had them a few days before my positive test so had already been exposed if the kids were carrying it. He refused saying the new medication he was on (he was diagnosed with bipolar last year) made him completely unsafe to have them alone. So I was stuck with looming after them whilst seriously ill myself. A week later he asked to have them for his usual weekend but I said he'd need to have them with someone else present or with dr clearance as he'd told me he was unsafe thanks to medication. He refused and said he'd be contacting a solicitor.
Still waiting for this solicitor to appear. Apparently he is waiting for a loan as the case is going to be 'huge'. The latest email he has gone through loads of historical decisions that were mutual that he now claims he didn't agree to, that I'm keeping the kids from him, that he's going to go straight to court and demand all sorts etc etc. He refuses to go for mediation as he doesn't trust it because it isn't legally binding. My impression was that any custody dispute has to go through mediation first.
The last email was concerning. Made me feel fairly vulnerable simply because it was so....unhinged (I'm really sorry, I know that's an awful word to use but the rambling and how much was simply not true was astonishing). I'm worried about what lies he might try abd put out there or if he'll try and sneak something past me then claim I'm not engaging. I just don't know. But I do know I need to get ahead of this now and start proceedings myself. It's become clear over the last couple of years that he was always emotionally abusive, used coercive control and gaslighting etc so I don't know if that impacts on using a mediation service or not. I need to call Gingerbread or similar but at the moment it's difficult to get through on the helpline although I will keep trying.
Can anyone help me? What are the next steps? I've never tried to stop the kids seeing him, I just want to make sure they're safe when they do. If this medication isn't a danger then fine, but he needs to demonstrate that rather than just go back on his word because he's annoyed he can't see them when he wants. Do I engage with a mediation service and get them to send an invite? Go straight to a solicitor? I just want a clear consistent plan of contact in place-he frequently would dip in and put, flake on timings, take himself off on holiday and not tell me etc so I welcome something that will set everything out clearly for both of us. In all honesty my children have better role models in their life than him but regardless, his is their father and they are too young to make that decision yet. So until they are I will continue to facilitate contact but I am not willing to compromise their safety or leave myself open to accusations of leaving them with someone who has told me he isn't safe to have them.
I've considered contacting women's aid but in all honesty feel a bit of a fraud-I work vaguely in that sphere (or at least come across women who have experience domestic abuse in my work) and just feel like my historic relationship and now difficulties with an ex would take up space for someone who is in real danger. I can't work out if my ex is being abusive, having a mental health crisis or both but whatever it is it has become impossible to talk logically to him, much as I want to. I am trying to be as calm and factual as possible and don't rise or respond to his accusations.
Thanks vipers, any help much appreciated!