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Parenting after split

6 replies

Malabma · 28/02/2021 20:52

Hi, I split with my children’s father back in May last year, he was an alcoholic and we had various problems so we never really had a calm happy home (hence the split) Since splitting I am finding that he is unreliable (this I knew would be the case) but my son (9) is really struggling with the whole thing and is acting up. Please could anyone give me any tips on how to deal with his outbursts, he cries at minuscule things, tries to get his sisters in trouble so they have negative attention and uses bad behaviour as a way of getting attention. I’ve tried all sorts of things but he is really testing the boundaries. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 28/02/2021 21:22

Does he know when dad is meant to be coming and is then let down?

Clear expectation. Kids need consistency and routine. My kids dad messed them around as I was trying to be flexible. But just meant we could never plan anything.

So set a day/time if he isn't coming he tells you and you guys can get on with your day. No changing. Next visit is next visit.

My youngest found it really hard being let down all the time just had to love and reassure them. Can school offer any Elsa support?

Malabma · 28/02/2021 21:51

No, he never knows when he’s coming because his dad won’t set a time. Often he will call and say can he see the kids in 20 mins or something. I’ve tried to get him to plan ahead but he won’t. It makes me look bad because I’ve planned our week based on him not coming and then if he calls and we are busy it’s tough. I feel bad doing that but don’t see I have a choice really.
He has someone to talk to at school but in all honesty it’s not all that much time. It’s not very productive for him I don’t think.

OP posts:
Thingywhatsit · 28/02/2021 22:25

Well done on leaving him. I have been in a similar position and i know it is very hard to do.

Your son will have been affected by his alcohol use over the years however much you tried to protect him. You don’t say in your op how old your other children are, but if they are younger it might be they have been shielded from a lot of it.

Your son is possibly affected by all the change, with Covid and lockdowns, so much have changed. It will take time.

The most important thing is he has a happy, stable and loving family home with you, and I am sure you provide that. You are strong- don’t forget that.

Have you thought of refusing contact and let him go through the courts? Cafcas would then do a report, and contact would be ordered. Irregular unplanned contact is not in your sons best interest.

All your children need to feel safe and secure, having routine is key to this. Unfortunately, someone who is addicted to alcohol (even those described as “high functioning”) do not seem to understand the importance of this.

I don’t advocate parents refusing contact, but when it is at the best interests of the child you sometimes need to look at this Avenue. Courts, for example, could insist on contact being at a contact centre for a specific duration, they are there to put the child’s needs first rather than the parents. This would mean the children are safe when he has contact (I am assuming he takes them for a few hours).

GettingItOutThere · 01/03/2021 10:40

@Malabma

No, he never knows when he’s coming because his dad won’t set a time. Often he will call and say can he see the kids in 20 mins or something. I’ve tried to get him to plan ahead but he won’t. It makes me look bad because I’ve planned our week based on him not coming and then if he calls and we are busy it’s tough. I feel bad doing that but don’t see I have a choice really. He has someone to talk to at school but in all honesty it’s not all that much time. It’s not very productive for him I don’t think.
honestly say no. send him a plan...this is when you can see the kids, does that work? no? ok great lets talk what does....

sort out when it works for him and you, dont tell the kids when hes supposed to be coming for now. He gets 15 mins on "his time" to turn up, if he doesent/late then tough he misses his contact - kids dont know

yes its harsh on the kids not seeing him as its about them, but it is actually FOR them to make him either step up or f. off without doing an enormous amount of damage

hTH

Princessbanana · 01/03/2021 11:06

You need to tell your other half how this is affecting your child and that your child will only be available on, example: Fridays @12. Or let him pick a day and time that suit you both. He has until quarter past 12 to pick him up, if he’s not there by then you will be leaving the house to continue your day. Don’t let him give you the run around, you are doing your job and his job as he’s not bothering his arse to parent!!

Starlightstarbright1 · 01/03/2021 22:41

@Princessbanana

You need to tell your other half how this is affecting your child and that your child will only be available on, example: Fridays *@12*. Or let him pick a day and time that suit you both. He has until quarter past 12 to pick him up, if he’s not there by then you will be leaving the house to continue your day. Don’t let him give you the run around, you are doing your job and his job as he’s not bothering his arse to parent!!
I would absolutely do this.
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