Son's dad lives abroad, hardly gets in contact, should I try harder?

[Mummabear03]

Hi,

I’d really like some advice on the situation I’m in. My son is 3 years old, his dad lives in Malaysia (where he’s from) and hasn’t seen my son since he was 2 weeks old. He video calls less and less.. maybe once every few months now but when he does he expects my son to know who he is and call him dad. It was my son’s birthday last month and he called then. He didn’t know how to interact with him and my son just felt so awkward, he started grinding his teeth which he has NEVER done before, just because he was nervous and unsure of what was going on. I have always tried to encourage my son’s dad to let me know when he wants to video call and be more involved and after this call in particular he said he missed him and felt like he has missed so much.. that was over a month ago and we haven’t heard from him since. He doesn’t pay anything and isn’t a particularly nice man but I am unsure what I should be doing so my son doesn’t feel awkward or confused. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do for when we do hear from him every 3-6 months?! Should I be hounding him to be more involved?? I have tried this before with not much luck but maybe I need to be the once to set up regular calls.. Part of me doesn't want to because he isn't nice and I don't really know how much he cares.

His mum is the polar opposite, she also lives in Malaysia yet my son talks to her regularly, knows who she is and enjoys their chats. She also contributes what she can which has been massively appreciated. My son’s dad doesn’t like his mum but I think she’s incredibly kind and generous. My son isn’t lacking in male role models, that isn’t the issue. He has my partner, who he has known for 2 years and has lived with us for the last year. My son also adores my dad and loves my brother. It’s that I just don’t want him to ever feel unloved or like I’ve done the wrong thing.

Thanks
x
Any advice would help. Or similar situations?

I would let the current situation carry on. It's up to his Dad to make the effort.

It's great his Mum is so involved and your DS can be connected to his Dads family via her. As your DS gets older he will remember who his Dad is and when he's much older may seek to build a relationship with him.

You could suggest that his Dad reads to him when he calls?

No its not your job to chase dad for contact.. You have enough to do raising your DS singlehandedly.

Also a parent of children who's father lives abroad. He does contact them regularly though but there is no way I would be chasing him or forcing a relationship between them.
I think I would email the dad explaining that the frequency of his contact is ridiculous and that of course the child doesn't know who he is, if he wants that bond to come he needs to put more effort in.
If he doesn't he needs to accept that he will be a stranger to his child

Not the same as my ex doesn’t live abroad but we also barely hear from him, maybe once a year. Definitely don’t chase him, you can’t make someone want to be more involved. Sounds like you’re doing a good job raising him as it is.

Thanks everyone, it seems to be the concensus from you guys and my friends that I shouldn't be trying to chase that relationship. I guess part of me wants to know I've done everything I can for my son. I think I might just send a message letting him know that he can't just expect a bond without any effort. Funnily enough I got a message from him today asking how his son is. That's all he asks though and never wants anything else. First time in over a month.. When he said he felt like he was missing out!

It sounds like your son’s dad just wants to manage his guilt for not being in his child’s life. Maybe every couple of months he thinks “ I wonder how my child is” he phones causes upset and confusion for your son then off he goes again without a thought for another couple of months until that guilt kicks in again. I note he doesn’t care enough to actually provide for his child though!
Why put your child through this, as he gets older it’s only going to get worse, your son will get regular reminders that he has a biological dad out there somewhere who only bothers with him by phone every now and then. My oldest son’s dad hadn’t seen him since he was a couple of months old, I did not chase him to maintain the relationship frankly I was relieved he just buggered off, I never asked for money either. My now DH was there day in day out for him practically and financially. My son’s biological dad did get in touch when my son was older, I encouraged my son to meet him if he wanted to and I never badmouthed his dad. Turns out his dad was still as much of a waste of space, was all over our son for about 6months then disappeared again. Luckily my son was old enough to better deal with the disappointment. My son says I did the right thing in not chasing up his dad and trying to force a relationship.
Would your son’s dad be happy with an email update from you every couple of months letting him know his son is happy and well maybe an odd photo and then he maybe wouldn’t feel the need to phone his son and cause upset and confusion.

Thank you, your message has made me feel so much better, hearing about your experience and also that your son is happy and knows you did what was right for him. Funnily enough I heard from him yesterday but all he asked was how is my son and how are we doing with lockdown. A short answer and 2 pictures seemed to satisfy him.
I guess if and when he asks for a video call I then approach the topic of well are we going to do this regularly because it stresses my son out when he doesn't know who you are. I know that will cause an argument as he's totally delusional and always blames me. How did you let your son know he had a biological dad out there who wasn't involved? I just don't know how to approach that with my 3 year old!

I met my now DH when my DS was 3 1/2 years old so my DS didn’t really remember a time when my DH wasn’t around. He called him dad as he had no memory of his biological dad who left when he was 2 months old. I did try and keep in contact for a few months and visited my son’s biological grandparents, but in my case none of his family were interested in my son so I just let it fade away. Heard nothing for more than 13 years, his dad and his dad’s family knew where we were and could have got in touch but just didn’t bother, their loss.
My DH didn’t have any children himself so although we didn’t hide the fact that my DS had a biological dad out there somewhere we didn’t talk about it a lot with him we just got on with family life. My DS is now in his 30’s but even back in the early 1990’s there were many other single parent families, or blended families. So when we did talk about it when he was young, it would be along the lines of “well you know that there are all kinds of families, some kids live with both parents some just live with their mum or dad, some parents live in different houses, some kids live with their grandparents etc”. My DSis and DBIL fostered and then adopted, so my son just grew up accepting that there were all kinds of families in the world. His best friend as he got older lived with his dad and never saw his mum, which was quite unusual back then but my DS barely even noticed. I did have some photos of my DS with his biological dad and some baby things that his dad had bought him so we did look at those occasionally.
It might be different for your son as he will maybe remember his dad.

My son hasn't seen his biological dad since he was 2 weeks old so he has no idea who he is, just thinks it's some random man on video call once in a blue moon. Now he's 3 I feel I do need to explain things to him even if just briefly so that it's there for him to remember. I've been with my partner since my son was 1 and he moved in when he was 2 so he sees him as his dad. He calls him by his name but we've started saying that he's his daddy by using his name then daddy afterwards too as they learn about family in nursery. I guess it's just dropping it in when we look at old photos etc that he has another daddy out there who made him. Thanks for all your advice. It's made me feel a lot calmer about it all and that my son will turn out fine. I guess the emphasis on there being lots of different types of families is important, thank you :)