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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex cutting child support due to irregular contact

24 replies

LongTimeGone · 17/02/2021 20:02

I’ve named changed for this as don’t want to link to all my other posts. I’m wondering if any other single parents can advise me. I split with my child’s father last autumn. Our relationship had long run its course and covid didn’t help. We are lucky to both be in employment and have two properties which we purchased prior to getting together. So it was a fairly straightforward split and we weren’t married. When he left my ex didn’t seem to want to pay any regular child support and then made an insulting offer which I declined. So I made a claim via CMS and they calculated a fair amount. To date the ex has not paid the full amount any month. He complained that our dc does not ring him every night and they don’t enjoy staying over at his place (tbh he is boring and just watches sport so our dc doesn’t enjoy it.) He said he’s reduced the cms payments as I am not supporting contact.

But in fact I purchased our dc their own phone and the ex knows he can ring whenever he likes. Also, it is not my fault the dc is refusing over night stays. He has daytime contact with no barriers from me. My question is how do I approach this? I don’t want to upset my dc by forcing them to stay over night against their wishes. The dc is nearly teenaged and so has their own views and wishes. Should I give up on expecting the full amount of child maintenance? I could support my dc without his input but I don’t see why he shouldn’t contribute. Also he’s stating I should evidence receipts on what I spend the money on but I don’t see why I should.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 17/02/2021 20:04

Isnt there a setup where cms just take it from his bank account? You have to apply though- others will know more. I think you get less as well as they take a fee for doing it but sounds like a better way forward for you.

Brakebackcyclebot · 17/02/2021 20:04

Go back to the CMS. He is behaving badly. You do not have to show any receipts.

Woeismethischristmas · 17/02/2021 20:05

I think you just sort out getting paid via cams. I wouldn’t provide receipts as that just provides ammunition for further nonsense.

OverTheRubicon · 17/02/2021 20:05

Is he self-employed? If not, you can go via cms to get it taken out of his wages, the amount is slightly reduced but that's better than what you're getting now, and will mean you aren't having to battle for it either.

Sirzy · 17/02/2021 20:07

CMS should move him onto collect and pay where the full amount is taken from his wages directly and he will have to pay extra for the service too.

Soontobe60 · 17/02/2021 20:07

Just go back via cms and set up a direct debit. he’s being an arse.

Original poster

LongTimeGone · 17/02/2021 20:11

Thanks for the swift replies I really appreciate it. I was trying to do things amicably but it doesn’t seem that will be possible. Also it seemed crazy to waste twenty percent on top just because my ex wants to try to bully me. He’s stated he wants to be sure I’m not spending the money on myself. I found that quite insulting really as I hardly spend anything on me (it’s lockdown what’s there to spend on?)
He doesn’t seem to understand I would love Dc to sleep over but only if they’re happy to do so. I’m not sure if he will take me to court re the contact but I feel I’m doing my best and can’t force dc and they become very upset when I suggest staying over night.

OP posts:

Original poster

LongTimeGone · 17/02/2021 20:13

To be clear cms have informed him of a figure he just doesn’t think I “deserve” it.

OP posts:

Canitbemagic · 17/02/2021 20:14

Inform the csa of how much he owes and ask them to collect it

Canitbemagic · 17/02/2021 20:15

Send him an email and excel sheet and inform him you are collecting and enforcing payment from the csa

MissEverdene · 17/02/2021 20:15

Don't agree to receipts. Seems rather controlling. Sorry you're dealing with this.

Sirzy · 17/02/2021 20:17

I would make it clear to him he either pays in full or you will ask for the CMS to move to collect and pay. If he misses one payment then get onto them

ArtfulScreamer · 17/02/2021 20:18

He's a dick you can't reason with dickish behaviour like this go back to CMS and get them to collect it's worth the fee just to avoid having to deal with ridiculous behaviour

YeaOrNay · 17/02/2021 20:18

Fuck him, OP. Get straight onto CMS and let them deal with him. Payments aren't related to contact. He's responsible for his child financially. The end. Every missed or late payment get straight on the phone to cms. Ask for them to take it directly. Direct him to them if he has an issue.

Original poster

LongTimeGone · 17/02/2021 20:20

Thanks @misseverdene to be honest he was an emotional bully when we were together I’m actually happier than I’ve been in a decade and super grateful my DC doesn’t seem to be damaged by the split in the way I feared. It’s shocking the dc doesn’t even seem to miss him particularly. I’m just trying to work out how this will play out and how I can minimise his control going forward.

OP posts:

TheChip · 17/02/2021 20:22

If he is having less contact then surely he should be paying you the maximum.

If my ds is at his dad's all week, then he doesnt give me that weeks money. Which is only right. He has ds and so the money stays with him.
When it's not holidays and it's normal weekend visits, we stick to the amount that was set. If he was not having him on the weekend, then he should increase the pay for the extra days I'm having him.

Go back to the csa and explain that he is using the money as a way to control and you would like it to be set up to be taken from him directly. It might cost you, so it may not be worth it. But its worth a shot!

Nearlyhalfterm · 17/02/2021 20:26

It's just a way to try and continue to control you. If he was putting the kids first he would give you the money as he would rather do anything than risk the kids going without and he would know that they need heating and food and that money is spent on that. If he genuinely thought they were going without as you were spending money on yourself he would have bought clothes and shoes for them so it's pure control. Get CMS to collect. Never tell him how it is spent as it isn't his business and it isn't about that at all.

Redannie118 · 17/02/2021 20:40

I used to work for CMS. A few short points for your contact message to him

Its utterly irrelevant how often the children see/speak to you. Child maintenance is not pay per view

-You have no right to reciepts for how the money is spent. You have no right to say " I dont deserve it" This is not your desicion, it is a legal requirement.Child support is a debt enforceable by law. As you refuse to pay or communicate reasonably I will be switching payments to Collect and pay. I will no longer engage in any discussion regarding payments, this must be done through CMS. The time for being reasonable is over. Hrs using the payments as a way to control you. Take that control away. You have told him he must speak to CMS regarding payment. Copy a text/ email stating " As per discussion 17/2/202 I have stated All communication regarding payments must be conducted through CMS" and send that and nothing else whenever he tries to bring it up again.

Nearlyhalfterm · 17/02/2021 20:43

@Redannie118 you would make a great AMA!

Original poster

LongTimeGone · 17/02/2021 21:51

Oh wow Thankyou everyone for your comments you’ve all boosted me up and made me see I’ve been too easy going about this. I think I’m conditioned to question my judgements because of the way he acted in the relationship. I was quite ashamed of how I was being treated so always minimised it in real life. Now I have the head space to see things more clearly it makes me realise what a true bully he is. I’m so grateful I posted in this section rather than Aibu. I didn’t think I’d get any responses here so Thankyou all from the bottom of my heart. I am only at the beginning of this lone parent journey but it’s so reassuring to know there is a safe place to get level headed and supportive advice.

OP posts:

unicornsarereal72 · 18/02/2021 08:04

I can only echo what others have said. Go through Cms. Report none payments and reduced payments. Also babe the amount recalculated as dc is not having any over nights.

Paying isnt optional. It isnt dependent on if the children phone him and what it is spent on is none of his business. If I was feeling generous I would point out the children have a warm home. Food on the table. And shoes/clothes that fit.

Time to stop playing nicely. He has not done his part so direct pay it is and that will cost him.

If he brings it up just reply money is through the CMS. And he needs to take anything up with them. Not you.

He is making a fuss because it is about control. Stop engaging. It might have a detrimental impact it might not. He has brought it upon himself. My ex was the same. Shouting and being aggressive. I gave it no attention. And firmly repeated he didn't get to shout at me anymore. I won't tolerate it. And stop Walk away. Hang up. Don't reply. Be strong. And take the wind out of his sail. My ex is a pussy cat now because he knows I won't tolerate any lack of respect toward myself.

Babymamamama · 18/02/2021 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Julianamechange · 20/02/2021 21:00

How often does their dad see them?

Original poster

LongTimeGone · 21/02/2021 18:39

He sees my DC once per week or sometimes twice. But the Dc doesn’t want to sleep over or speak daily in the phone. And I can’t force it.

OP posts:

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