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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

What should I do?

11 replies

ButWhatAbout · 15/02/2021 12:52

Hi everyone
I am looking for some advice on child arrangements. Currently going through the court process, it's been a long, expensive and emotionally draining couple of years. DC wants to live 50/50 with me and her dad, which is also what he wants, though he's never had DC for more than two nights in the past and it's all very hypothetical at this point. I have been reluctant due to issues in the past, but am coming round to the idea as I just want this all to be over and done with and also just want DC to be happy, who am I to deny her equal time with her dad.

The thing is that DC has not spent much time with her dad in the past few years due to issues, but contact us slowly building up now. The problem is that I don't know if DC will be happy with the 50/50 when reality hits. At the moment I am the dull, tired parent doing the homeschooling and coping with lockdown, dad is the fun parent taking DC for a fun few hours on the weekend, but that won't be real life when it's 50/50.

Now the issue is that ex partner is very, very difficult (abusive, narcisisst type) and if I agree to the 50/50 on the court order I am worried about what will happen if DC doesn't want to stay there that much as time goes on. I am worried that ex will insist on sticking to the order and I'll need to go back to court to get it changed again.

On the other hand, it might be that he'll end up happy with DC staying with me more, (to be honest I think he'll struggle to give up his freedoms) but I worry he'd still have the 50/50 order there that he could threaten me with if suddenly he changed his mind/wanted her for the full week. He loves to make my life hell and to have power/control over me.

I could stick to my guns about not wanting a 50/50 order, but it means having a contested hearing which is 2 very expensive and excruciating days in court and another 6 months of this hell.

Any advice? Anyone have a court order in place but in reality the arrangement has ended up completely different? Anyone had to go back to court to vary an order?

OP posts:

Motherhentoall · 16/02/2021 00:03

Would 50% work without it being a whole week? That way the child doesn’t go as long without seeing each of you.

Parent 1 - Monday & Tuesday nights
Parent 2 - Wednesday & Thursday nights
Friday, Sat & Sun nights - Alternate

Changes to the arrangements are expected as DC age to meet their needs, you can apply for a variation order or agree between you. I believe the court order is only enforceable for a year anyway.:.... barely worth it IMO.

Good luck cx

Original poster

ButWhatAbout · 16/02/2021 10:54

Thank you for replying.

I think the time itself won't be an issue, DC is 9 and could handle being away from me for a week. The issue is more that we have had some problems with DV, Dad is quite aggressive and has been (i.m.o) abusive to DC in the past. I'm concerned that when DC remembers what life with Dad is really like, she won't want to go there very much any more. He doesn't have a bedroom or any things for her, I am not quite sure what his plan for sleeping arrangements are.

I didn't know that the orders are only enforceable for a year, that is interesting!

OP posts:

Lizadork · 16/02/2021 11:08

I would fight this on basis that a 9 year old can't see the long term consequences of this choice. I'm all for building up contact slowly if things are going well and everyone happy, but really don't want to be locked into a 50/50 agreement if you are confident child will change mind once reality hits. I would fight it. Not good in terms of domestic violence either. That alone would make it a no for me.

Ricebubbles2 · 16/02/2021 11:57

Understandably your going through one of the most stressful times ever but.. watch the video please at the end, no I don't know how to paste is properly.
It is about his relationship and future with his child
Perhaps he will enjoy and be in a better place to spend on his child now
many narcissistic men are great parents and care for children very well in all aspects
A child needs both parents and as time goes on you will to need that time out.
All agreements need amended over months or years.
parents are given this to watch pre court in Nz back when I had to go through and felt as you did.

Original poster

ButWhatAbout · 16/02/2021 12:24

@Ricebubbles2

Understandably your going through one of the most stressful times ever but.. watch the video please at the end, no I don't know how to paste is properly. It is about his relationship and future with his child Perhaps he will enjoy and be in a better place to spend on his child now many narcissistic men are great parents and care for children very well in all aspects A child needs both parents and as time goes on you will to need that time out. All agreements need amended over months or years. parents are given this to watch pre court in Nz back when I had to go through and felt as you did.

Thanks for sharing this video, I understand how difficult it is for the child to be stuck in the middle.

I have tried my best to protect my child from harm but I can only control my own actions. If the other parent consistently says extremely hurtful things to the other child, bad mouths me at every given opportunity (which I NEVER do in return, I speak positively about her dad and have never told her any of the things he's done to me) tells her completely inappropriate details about things in the past, adult relationships and "his version of events", puts pressure on her to influence the court etc, then how do I protect her from this harm?

I understand that a child needs both parents, but there is so much pressure and responsibility put on mothers to on the one had protect their child from harm (several times I've sat with social services and I've been asked what plan I've put in place to safeguard my child from the harm of witnessing DV. The guilt you feel as a mother is extreme, even though you are the victim and not the perpetrator!) whilst also being responsible for making sure the child has a good relationship with that same dad.

I want to respect my child's wishes, I want her to have a good relationship with her dad and for them to have a great life together every other week. But how will I cope with going through this whole court process again to vary the order, if this happy ending does not materialise?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 16/02/2021 12:51

No way would I agree to 50:50 with that background.

Why is he only doing a few hours at a time at the moment? Even with Covid DD can can stay with him?

I would be aiming for 60:40 at most.

Cleverpolly3 · 16/02/2021 15:09

@Ricebubbles2

Understandably your going through one of the most stressful times ever but.. watch the video please at the end, no I don't know how to paste is properly. It is about his relationship and future with his child Perhaps he will enjoy and be in a better place to spend on his child now many narcissistic men are great parents and care for children very well in all aspects A child needs both parents and as time goes on you will to need that time out. All agreements need amended over months or years. parents are given this to watch pre court in Nz back when I had to go through and felt as you did.

Many narcissistic men are great parents?

Are you for real?
Abuse of a mother is abuse of the child. It is NOT the sign of being capable of being a great parent

RandomMess · 16/02/2021 16:24

@ButWhatAbout of your ex is a true narcissist you need to do what you can to prevent contact as much as possible as your DC will be used for his narcissistic supply and then discarded when no longer of use.

A narcissist is incapable of genuine love for another person.

Original poster

ButWhatAbout · 16/02/2021 16:48

@RandomMess

No way would I agree to 50:50 with that background.

Why is he only doing a few hours at a time at the moment? Even with Covid DD can can stay with him?

I would be aiming for 60:40 at most.

Contact is restricted at the moment as it has just moved from supervised to unsupervised and we are slowly building it up towards overnights.

I don't know if he is a true narcissist or not, I do believe that he loves DD very much and I can see that there are good elements to their relationship. But he is very vindictive, comes up with elaborate plots against people who have wronged him (though he usually doesn't go through with them), has a total lack of empathy in general and will use coercion to get his own way in most situations in life. However he is also charming, intelligent, knowledgeable and comes across as a lovely guy.

Cafcass have recommended shared lives with and that is also what DD wants, so I know that court will go with something along those lines.

OP posts:

Polly111 · 16/02/2021 17:31

Why was previous contact supervised? If all issues from that have been dealt with could you say that you’re prepared to gradually build up to 50:50 if he drops the court case? That way he’s getting what he wants but it will be easier for you to change things if there are problems.

RandomMess · 16/02/2021 17:47

If it goes to court I would be asking for EOW one mid week and half school holidays and would be open to reviewing after 12 months to increase to 50:50 if co-parenting with fixed parenting went well.

I wouldn't be rolling over and letting him have 50:50 as he clearly has issues! The fact he had to have supervised contact says a lot tbh.

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