Am I enough?

[CatLady1987]

Evening all,
I was made a single parent unexpectedly when my son was just seven weeks old. After over a year of hell I am finally in a place where I can deal with the many feelings I have about where I am now and how I got here. One thing that plays on my mind a lot is being a single parent and being enough (more than enough) for my child. This is particularly strong when we go to do activities like visiting the park and playing on the swings etc, the fact that I am both parents is something I think about often. Perhaps this is more intense recently as my child is now a toddler.

I am mum to the most beautiful little boy. He is my world. His dad is only permitted limited contact with him. So it’s just me and him mostly. Both sets of grandparents are heavily involved in our lives.

I suppose I’m looking for advice on how to raise a happy and balanced child as a lone parent. Watching him playing is bittersweet sometimes, because he deserves two parents. It also hits me that the ‘normal’ family experiences will never happen for us, at least not any time soon.

I want to raise a happy child, a child who is comfortable in who he is and what he loves and a child who feels able to be themselves.

I’m sorry if this sounds silly, it’s just something that worries me - if I’m enough.

Please be kind in any comments, I’m just looking for some other perspectives.

Thank you

Of course you are. There are many different types of families. You have others supporting you both. Let them help. He will be in pre school before you know it. Allow him To find his independence knowing you love an support him completely. You have got this.

I stayed in a relationship thinking you needed two parents. I had to flee. Turns out I was lone parenting all along. Kids are happy. I am happier. They have both sets of grandparents. You are more than enough!

I wish you’d been my mum!
Seriously, from what you have posted, your little one is going to be just fine.
Love (really) is all you need. X

Hi op just want to give you a bit of reassurance because I felt exactly the same way when i found myself single when pregnant. I was terrified that my child would be at a disadvantage that they would grow up to have daddy issues that they would resent me for being a single mum it used to keep.me up at night.

So I went to a counsellor who specialises in child behavior and she told that actually having one "present" dedicated parent is actually more beneficial than having 2 mediocre parents. So what she meant by mediocre is that when a parent is unhappy in a relationship theyre struggling with their emotions so this makes parenting that more difficult because they're juggling their sadness(and hiding it) with having to parent and deal with the other parent and trying to protect the child from the negative consequences of the other parent whereas as a single parent away from a bad situation your priority becomes the child and their wellbeing and your relationship with them.

This made so much sense to me because I found i was constantly trying to keep the peace with my ex and it took so much energy to try keep him happy and maintaining an unhappy relationship, now I focus that energy on loving my child. I hope this brings you some comfort

Thank you all so much 🥰

OP, I was widowed when my two DDs were still in nappies, and I worried that they would miss out from not having a father.
It used to crucify me when we were round at friends’ houses, and the dad would arrive home from work, shouting “Daddy’s home!” to his thrilled kids, while mine sat there silent, and I knew they would never have that moment.
But my DDs are now 30 and 31. They tell me that they had loving happy childhoods, and that they didn’t feel they missed out on anything, because I filled both roles for them.
It was exhausting to work as a hospital doctor, do all the housework, gardening, driving and diy, organise the holidays, and care for their emotional needs while wrecked by grief, but somehow we get through these things because we have to.
Children are adaptable, and they accept whatever life you provide for them as the norm. Just love yours and do your best, and it will be fine.

There are positives to it.

I do believe mybds and myself are closer as a result of no 3rd person to consider, we only did trips out that worked for him.. no mum and dad but dragging kids along.

We did the beavers / cubs etc gave him the male type stuff.

I learned not to care or compare. Most kids don't have this ideal family.. tgey do come in all shapes and sizes

Babdoc, I’m in awe of you.

DenisetheMenace, don’t be! I’m more in awe of lone mothers who don’t have a secure roof over their heads, and a well paid profession to support themselves. Mothers who struggle with poverty and ill health and still manage to raise their kids despite everything. They deserve a medal.

This used to make me sad too! But what children need are good loving attachment, and security (eg food, safe housing). You can provide all that. The research that children from low parents can do less well is totally confounded by poverty etc. You are more than enough. 5 years after becoming a single parent I met a lovely man and my DC now have a step father they love and are loved by. You never know what is ahead.