Please tell me all the negatives and positives of being a single parent and having shared custody

[sc4red]

Contemplating leaving my husband. We have a son under the age of one. I would like to know the harsh, brutal reality of my decision so I can prepare for it

It varies from person to person. And depends on how amicable you and he can be.

I was bereft when ex left for ow. I had been replaced and he had kids eow and did the things we use to do as a family. But without me. It was very hard at the beginning.

He didn't pay child support

He was not involved with the children day to day. His job and social life were far more important. He go months without seeing the children and ignoring messages/contact. So the whole situation sucked.

Positives. Me and the kids have a much happier home life. I manage the money and know what I have. When the children aren't here I get some much needed respite

Things that could make it better. He pays his way. So I'm not juggling month to month. He has the children regularly and reliably. So that I can have a social life and commit to things I want to do (Covid permitting). He get involved with some of the day to day staff. Collect kids from school. Do a days home schooling. Ferry to brownie/scouts etc. Not rely on me to pick up/drop off etc.

I'm glad the relationship ended. It could not of gone on as it was. But how he has behaved since has made a bad situation a lot worse.

When you say made a bad situation a lot worse, do you mean you feel it was better when you was still with him then?

Oh Christ no. If he had of behaved better and step up as a parent after he left we could of been amicable and co parented. But there was only so much I tolerated and then Drew my line in the sand. We now do not speak. Or see each other. The children get out of the car and I watch them go to the door. An awful situation for the children. The only message exchanged are times for drop off. I refuse to get drawn in to anymore manipulation and lies.

Everyone's situation is so different though and changes over time.

My relationship was so abusive and toxic nothing could have been worse than raising my DD all alone.

I don't think I know anyone who does 50/50, starts out like that but is hard to maintain seemingly.

I can’t really think of any positive for myself at all but everyone’s situation is different and some people prefer it.

depends on how amicable you and he can be.

This is crucial and can have a huge impact.

If you are leaving OP because you are unhappy surely that will be worth it. Having your own money and being able to get to work without your partner will make a big difference.

Pros:
Being able to do nice things with the children 'just because' without having to be grilled about what the point is.

Having a quiet, calm household.

Having happy, relaxed children and be a happy, relaxed person myself.

Having other adults showing an interest in me and the children (my parents, sister etc now much more involved than when the ex was around and should have been showing an interest so everyone else naturally took a step back, but in reality I was doing everything completely alone with no support).

Tidy house.

Financial freedom.

Time every other weekend to pursue my interests /better my career (through studying) when the children are at their Dad's.

Cons:
Ex still effecting my life with his choices e.g not having the children on his weekends because he has to go away for a few months for work/ wife is having a baby.

Having to speak to him about basic things to do with the children because he has no common sense (e.g bedtime routine should be the same in both houses).

His new wife, not having children of her own until very recently, imposing her idealistic views of how children should behave on my children. It's a bit annoying!

At first, the difficult situation of having to see him when he collected the kids while I was still utterly devastated at what he'd done to me. Though those feelings are long gone and no longer a problem.

Its hard. We share 50/50 so initially it was tough to heal and my ex was a nob and made things incredibly painful.

Things have improved and to be fair he owns his responsibilities where our daughter is concerned. Although i haven't always agreed with the decisions he has made.

Initially though we had 50/50 access and unfortunately no co parenting. I maintained a good relationship with his parents, and this ensured some consistency and things didn't fall through the gaps, and he basically refused to communicate with me at all.

We are now at the point where we are co parenting effectively and even spending time together as a family. Something my daughter adores.

Pros and cons

You can oarent how you like when you have them, but the flip side is you have very little control when you don't.

In theory hour child has two happy parents rather than an unhappy household. Although realistically not the case.

Being a single parent is bloody hard. I feel like for me its all or nothing. I am exhausted when I have her on my own, and sometimes feel frazzled. When I don't have her I hate it. I have sobbed, feeling like a part time Mum. Honestly its something I try not to dwell on too much, because it causes me immense pain.

My relationship with my daughter is so much stronger now and we have a wonderful routine and are friends as well as mum and daughter. Particularly the case with lockdown and spending so much time in each others company.

One of the most painful moments was finding out that my ex's gf had met my daughter. It was a physical pain and I honestly struggled with that a lot.

Honestly it is bloody hard. But I stand by my original decision to leave, despite the fact that we are now dating again and going to see where things go.

An unhappy household is no place for a child and having grown up in one, I would do anything to save my daughter from that sort of start.

As PPs have said, it'll depend on yur circumstances. In fact, the answer would differ between me and my ex.

Me:

• The marriage had become so toxic that choosing to leave was pretty much the only healthy decision. The kids were already unhappy. I essentially put the marriage out of its misery for the sake of all our sanities.
• Having the kids almost 50:50 means I could concentrate on parenting well without having to worry about hurting ex's feelings - e.g. I could teach them how to use cutlery, toilet train, etc without her stopping me as she felt that was "her job" (and then kept finding excuses not do said things till it was getting ridiculous).
• Being able to be so much more a part of their lives rather than being sidelined and/or resented for being so.

The cons:

• Its harder work. Yes, I get free days I wouldn't have had before however I have to make up work hours during these times and when I do have the kids its full-on - nobody around to take them off my hands for even five minutes.
• Loss of family - I'll never have a full family holiday or Christmas or Birthday with them again. Plus, now I have to share as ex has blended her and her new partners families, and I have to listen to how brilliant they all are and try and dampen down any sense of jealousy. Kids even sometimes call me by their step-dad's name by mistake.

From my ex's perspective, at least initially us splitting up means she could have 50% me playing childminder, so she could have romantic, fun times with new partner who focussed fully on her, and not a guy who'd turned into a dull dad who's novelty had worn off. I can provide the practical parenting things out of sight and out of mind. She was able to buy me out of my share of the house, so there was minimal disruption on that front, cmpared to myself who had to make a new life in another town. On the negative side, I'm not there to offer the support I previously did so she struggles much harder with the kids tantrums and behaviour than when I was there.