Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How can I get rid of my ex?

41 replies

Happycat1212 · 11/02/2021 20:57

My ex doesn’t bother with our children, he’s never done any parenting since we split and I’m “lucky” if he sees them once a year, since November he has seen them once. He only now texts me weekly to ask how they are but never actually asks to see them, I’ve decided to cut contact with him but how should I go out this, do I just ignore him from now on or should I send him a message telling him? I don’t really want to send a message as I know that will open it up to him sending abuse to me but I also don’t want him to just think Anything is unfinished

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 13/02/2021 15:38

I would:

Fade this out for a few weeks by being as bland as humanly possible - ‘they’re all fine’

Advise that from x date (say a few weeks from now) can he please use the following email address to communicate (maybe set up an email acc for this purpose).

After about 6 months - a year. Send a message saying ‘I will no longer reply to these emails’. For interaction with the dc please contact a mediation service or apply to court, best wishes, happycat

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 13/02/2021 16:20

Yeh I think the way to go is to just slowly fade away, take longer to respond, one word answers then suddenly just stop responding altogether. I normally respond the same day not straight away but the same day, I will now just leave it a few days so it just slowly fades

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 13/02/2021 16:36

@Happycat1212

Tbh I think I’m gonna go with the blocking, I can’t live my life on “what if he took me to court” as chances are he wouldn’t. I’m gonna leave it for abit then block

OP, you need to understand that there are women who will hear the bullshit stories from a new boyfriend and in order to prove to themselves that they've found a good 'un at discount urge him to fight for the kids in family court and prove what an amazing dad he really is. 😍 The deadbeat then applies for access or even 50/50 (or more) simply to keep looking good for the girlfriend (and maybe his own family).

You need to be careful and clever here. At the moment your kids aren't bothered by an, at best, disinterested father. If you antagonize him, that could change rapidly - and family court WILL give him significant and unsupervised access, including overnights, where you will find the girlfriend parenting the children rather than him. Neglect or even minor physical abuse will not be enough to overturn this and you could find yourself wiping your kids' tears and hearing them plead not to go back there with no legal way to help your kids and protect them.

It's not fair, and it's not right, and it's not in the best interests of the kids, but it is how the system actually works in practice.

Always interact with him as though a family court judge is reading and assessing it in court. Always.

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 13/02/2021 17:07

Sadly he doesn’t want them over night. I’ve asked him to have them over night he won’t, he has a 3 bed house but he rents it out and has lodgers. he refuses to change this and won’t for them no matter what, not to have his children overnight because it’s his income. I can’t see that ever changing. Why would he when he is getting enough money which enables him not to work. He also lives 2 hours away and doesn’t drive. So He can’t have them 50/50. He has had girlfriends but sadly he doesn’t tell them he has kids 😕 as for his family there are none around, both parents are dead (I never met them they died before we met) and his sister has never been interested in our children. He probably tells his friends a different story that I stop him or whatever so they probably sympathise with him, he’s in the past told me that loads of dads don’t see their kids so I suspect he is referring to his own circle of friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 13/02/2021 17:15

I also don’t believe a judge would go from a dad never having even had his kids overnight or taken the to school to 50/50 contact. That seems very extreme? I thought standard contact was every other weekend

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 13/02/2021 17:24

@Happycat1212

The order could very well be to start small and build up to eow and half the hols or 50/50, depending on the circs at the time. This is why it's so important to make it clear in your interactions with him that you arent blocking access and your arent stopping a relationship with the father. Access, information about the kids, and a relationship is there if he wants it, but he is the one choosing not to pursue it.

You must protect yourself from permitting any perception of parental alienation, no matter how false that might be (and make yourself boring as hell in order that he can't be bothered fighting).

The family court is a bad place for a woman to find herself. Don't find yourself there if you can help it.

TieYourCannons · 13/02/2021 17:44

OP your situation is similar to mine in many ways. I think the price you have to pay to avoid his actual presence is the annoyance of a weekly text. As has been suggested, phase it out gradually by replying less and less frequently with the same bland responses. Do nothing antagonistic or he will start to annoy you more, not because he wants access to the children, but on principle. It's not a nice way to live, I know. When you throw out rubbish you don't want the rotten smell to return but at least it's the smell and not the actual rubbish.

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 13/02/2021 17:47

PicsInRed

Oh right yes I get what you are saying, I think I might say then that I’m not stopping contact but I just won’t be replying to the weekly texts anymore and if he wants contact he can arrange it with me otherwise best to just assume they are fine.

OP posts:

Ostryga · 13/02/2021 17:51

If there is a court in the world that will think 50/50 contact with a stranger (however gradual) is in the best interest of op’s children I’d love to see it.

Just because he is their biological father does not mean he is automatically going to be given rights. And op has quite clearly stated he will not take it to court. I think she knows him better than us.

I agree proceed with caution, but the slow fade out and block (or change your number) is the way to go. A text once a week is not enough to base this man ever being given contact anywhere other than a contact Center, if he could even be bothered to pay to go to court in the first place.

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 13/02/2021 18:07

Ostryga

Thank you, I don’t see it either, he didn’t even see my youngest till she was a year old, he really has been more out their lives than in. I don’t think he could ever be bothered with the responsibility of 4 children to look after on his own. He struggled taking them to the park, let alone travelling 2 hours with them on public transport.

OP posts:

SqeakyHindge · 13/02/2021 19:36

Block

You not stopping contact, you blocked his meaningless texts you have a right to block him.

In any of those texts has he ever made effort to see kids. No so block.

What does he need updates for? So when people ask. Block

What do you owe him? Nothing so block

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 13/02/2021 21:00

Thank you, no literally the opposite. I’ve been responding thinking today may be the day he asks to see them but he just doesn’t. so for example with the weekend coming up he text me on Thursday “Hi how is everyone?” I said they are good, mentioned a game he got him wasn’t working, he asked what was wrong with it, but in the time he took to respond I had managed to fix it which I told him and then he just didn’t respond. No “how’s the game going” “is he enjoying it” etc, I thought maybe he was going to ask to see them this weekend but nope that was the last comment on Thursday. Then he will just message again in a week “hey how are they?” He’s not my friend or a pen pal so I don’t see why I should keep responding he asks nothing about their lives, just a generic “how are they” it’s almost as if he is just pasting the same message every week.

OP posts:

Ostryga · 13/02/2021 22:56

Yeah he probably is tbh. In his mind it probably makes him feel he’s not the worst father in the entire world.

You don’t have to make him feel better. I would ignore. You’ll know soon enough if he cares. My guess is as soon as you don’t reply he’ll lose interest very quickly.

You’re doing great op, I know how hard it is to have children with a total shit. Thank god for strong women like you

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 14/02/2021 01:53

Ostryga

Thank you, it is very hard raising 4 alone with no input from their father, it’s why I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him so I struggle to be civil and even sending a text when I want to tell him to F off is very hard!

OP posts:

Worldwide2 · 14/02/2021 06:30

The fact that he really doesn't want them ever I don't think he would take you to court for something that he clearly doesn't want. He might take you to court get some sort of access and not even bother then.
I would definitely block him what a waste of space. Shame you can't move and him not have a clue where you are.
I think the messages are there just to have some sort of contact with you not the kids just you. Cut it. Good luck 🍀

OhamIreally · 14/02/2021 22:44

OP why don't you set up a new email address and ask that from now on he emails rather than texts. Set up an auto reply rule with a bland reply and block his number on your phone. You can then let the auto reply take care of things then check it every now and then.
You're not blocking contact but you won't have to deal with the intrusion of his texts.
I get why they make you so angry- you're bringing up his kids alone and his texts are yet another demand on your time and headspace.

Flip

1 2