Childcare arrangements / need to talk to someone!

[november90]

Hi everyone. I am feeling incredibly alone with arranging childcare with my ex so I'm just reaching out for some support/thoughts.
Ex husband and I have 2 DC, one under 1 and the other under 5. There's a history of emotional abuse/control around our children and me from him so I have really bad anxiety around this. I've been in touch with woman's aid in the past but things had settled.
Ex currently has the eldest 2 week day nights and then one weekend day. It transpires he's been really struggling with him and he's having horrendous sleeps at his house. He is fine at home but does express he doesn't want to sleep at his dads house.
Anyway ex works mon - fri and is now saying he wants to split his nights and only drop off in the evening. One week sleep and then one friday sleep and Saturday. He also feels ds is too unsettled to get ready in the morning and wants to drop him off In the evening only. (He loves short drive away). If we split his nights like he proposed DS would be between us almost every night which is absolutely ridiculous. He won't agree to alternate weekends even with midweek contact as he doesn't want to go 5 days without contact. Am I wrong to think this is unreasonable? Why should dc be passed around when they do t need to. I think it's more a case he can't handle 2 nights in a row maybe or he doesn't want this but why would a dc be more settled in both houses by splitting our time.
Would a court likely rule this? Needless to say I'm not agreeing to it but it's causing me ally of stress :(

I'm not sure I understand what your ex is proposing, but you both need quality free time with your eldest. I get that he doesn't want to do 5 days without seeing his child, I would feel the age and I am sure you would if the roles were reversed. Is there any other way you cam arrange the contact? So maybe Friday Saturday every other weekend and then every Wednesday night and the week he doesn't have over the weekend he gets Monday for dinner maybe?

Does he have the youngest too?

No I wouldn't want to go that amount of time without seeing my children either but he's moved to a job where he works mon - Friday and now he's making comments saying he's not happy with his time being after work during the week I don't really know what else would work! I keep reminding him it's the quality of time.
Basically he's suggested weds night to Thursday, fri night and Saturday. Which would mean that he would be sleeping in a different house alternating from Tuesday to Saturday night. I just think it's really unfair to expect a child to adapt to that.

His proposal is shit and unfair on everyone, but most importantly it is unsettling for your child. They need stability and routine.

I would counter with;
Wednesday to Thursday every week
Friday to Sunday every other week
Monday for tea on weeks where you have them for the weekend

He needs to stop being unreasonable but you need to show that you are understanding of his concerns about not wanting to gone days without seeing his child and have offered alternative options that meet his requests but also give your child more stability

I completely agree. I keep think back to when I was a child and how I would feel if I was sleeping at a different house for 5 nights on a row every week/other week. It's so unfair and unreasonable. He changed his job recently so he could have weekends off so I don't think it's fair that he keeps getting his own way and we all have to change. I am also due back at work soon and I've agreed my shifts around our arrangement. I'm happy to be flexible around AW or something of that nature but I can't keep being the looser here.
So that would effectively be an AW arrangement wouldn't it?

Yes, but you are offering him a way that allows your child to have weekends with both of you and still meets his not wanting to have 5 consecutive days without seeing them.

Talk to your child's school as they can often help with these sorts of things. Dds school has been fantastic. She is 7 and although she goes to her dad 3 on 3 off she doesn't stay the night. He is unreliable at feeding her, clothing her appropriately, getting his lazy ass out of bed to look after her. He relies on his older kids to babysit etc. She is on a chemo drug and he would forget to give it to her, feed her things she is allergic to and then leave me to deal with the fallout etc. He lives 2 streets from school and she was always late on his days cos he wouldn't get up in time.

As a result I don't allow overnights. However, she also found the too-ing and fro-ing overnight unsettling and she became very anxious at being away from me. Since I stopped them (13 months ago) she has been a different child. Happier, more settled etc. He doesn't ask to.go back to having her overnight in part because it suits him not to but he also sees that she is better off at the moment having contact as it is. In time we will start it again but for now this is what is best for her.

You eldest is only 5, too young imo to be forced into a routine that in unstable for them. Also too young to not have any weekend fun with his mum

Thanks for the reply!
I didnt bring up changing the routine, it was him. I suspect that he doesn't want the hassle of him 2 nights a week. I think he thinks he'll settle more if he goes 2 separate nights as then it's more fun but he isn't considering what that does to the rest of his routine and his quality of life if he's back and forth every night. I have been so flexible with him over this last year. I've given him lots of options including AW and I have only relay brought it up again because his weekends is his time off and if he wants more weekend access I want the same!

I'm so sorry your ex sounds so unreliable. That must be really stressful for you all and particularly you. I'm glad you have support from school! Mine aren't in school yet but obviously that changes things aswell so I want to get this sorted.

Your ex doesn't get to only do the fun stuff. And parenting is hard work so he doesn't get to opt out of that either. Time with each of you needs to be balanced and fair.

If not in school already then it may be harder to get support, do you have a health visitor you could speak to?

Kids have had enough upset to their routines during covid. The last thing yours need is more hassle.

You don't mention the baby with regards contact, how does your ex propose to deal with 2 of them if he can't cope with 1 for 2 nights at a time?

Intact has to suit everyone. And is in the child's best interest. The children need stability a d routine. Not coming and going to a different house each night. No wonder your eldest is unsettled.

Eow is standard. Both parent are entitled to weekend time with their children. And also a full weekend 'off'

Then a night in the week.

Of course this varies from family to family. My ex was constantly letting the children down. Changing plans and wanted to host fit the children round his social life. I pushed eow. But it didn't last long. Once contact is agreed the children know the routine etc and are more settled

Thanks for the replies. I'm glad that I'm not alone in thinking that his proposal is a load of rubbish.
My eldest is a lovely child, but he does get easily unsettled. It's also taking him to get to the age of almost 4 before he started sleeping through at my house. So I'm really reluctant to disturb his bedtime and sleeping arrangements because I know how sensitive he is to it. He doesn't sleep well that my exes house and it transpires that he hasn't been sleeping well there for months on end despite him always telling me that he did settle. There's lots of things that go on that he doesn't tell me about how settled he is and I think it's because he doesn't want to admit that he is struggling however it's very hard for me as a mother to know that my son is struggling so much and I'm not being told about it......
I honestly think that this about him not wanting to consecutive nights because I don't think that he can handle him two nights in a row. I think that he Thinks that our child will be more excited about sleeping over if it's one night. But it's not a sleepover this is an arrangement which should be going on the whole of our child's childhood..... I know that some families will separate the sleeps, however we are both in jobs where we don't work evening shifts or nights so it just is completely unnecessary and what boils my blood even more is that Our childcare arrangement was always set up around his work, for the whole of my maternity leave and beforehand. I made it clear to him last year that I would be negotiating my shifts at work around our arrangement so I pushed and pushed for us to have something set up and now I may find myself in a position where I'm going to lose time if we have to alter Our arrangement. If he wants to have a true parent or bond with our child he needs to learn how to manage his time with him when he's having him two nights on a row. I just think it's absolutely ridiculous. It would affect his sleeping at home and it would affect my relationship with him.
He said that he is happy to leave it for now. For now. What a frustrating way to end The sentence. How long is for now? Am I just supposed to live on tenterhooks wondering when this is going to come up again?
Sorry to rant. I've just had enough of this :(

Kids are resilient and adapt
If you used Skype if it was longer stays away.
Many people I know have 50/50 shared care.
Whatever happens try make it fair for both
It is common kids play up or won't settle for one parent. The kids will settle down sooner or later.

The court will tell you what goes on in dads time is his buisness and vice versa
Why no bite the bullet and you apply for a agreement so you can all have it set and insure it should be fair.

No agreement works 100% before court or after court.
Tell dad to do a parenting course, here we have to before court even puts us into consideration.
He needs to sort out his own issues or can you work together or offer ideas
I think Sleep, behaviour problems it is in any family not just shared custody arrangements.

Ring a lawyer

Yeah I know that children are resilient and adapt and I always seem to hear this when I express my concerns but I know it's not best for my son to be alternating nights for 5 nights and then something different the following week. It's absolutely not fair on him and it's not necessary! Where's the sability? How can he ever settle based on that? The issue is that he doesn't want 2 nights consecutively but why should everyone else have to suffer because of this? He needs to learn to manage him on his own time better. It's really frustrating.
I've spoke to a solicitor and women's aid, the HV, minds matter.... you name it, I've already rang them. I'm just so fed up of this :(

With you returning to work shortly I would suggest mediation. To agree a arrangement. Make a proposal. Ask for his thoughts. Stuck with the children need stability and routine. We need an arrangement that works for everyone. Flag up mediation might sharpen his thoughts on the situation.