How can I help my baby's father to bond during pregnancy.....

[BahamaLlama]

I'm aware it's common for Father's-To-Be to struggle to be able to bond during pregnancy - and our situation is further complicated due to the father and I living separately and the pregnancy having not been planned.

The father has accompanied me to scans so far and I broach the subjects of names and we discuss what/whose features our child may have, but what else can I do?

What has worked well for others?

I'm also conscious of not wanting to ram the preganancy down the father's throat at the same time either.

Joint antenatal classes at this time aren't possible for him due to work commitments combined with COVID restrictions. Likewise, neither shall we be able to shop together for items in store unless online which is a shame I think.

We had just been dating and taking our time getting to know one another during COVID before I then found out I was pregnant following some 6 months of dating and being in a relationship.

In these kind of circumstances is the father ever really likely to be able to bond anyway do you think? Will most of it largely depend on how he feels about me and our relationship, as well as his relationship with our child too?

The father also already has two children (aged 8 and 12) from his previous long term marriage which he co-parents 50/50 with his ex.
And so subsequently, the miracle of having a child is nothing new to him or very exciting (or at least it seems that way anyway)

🤗 🤰

I didn’t bond with my children in pregnancy and I was actually pregnant with them!

Other than sorting out what will happen when they’re born and going to scans I don’t think there is any bonding or otherwise to do before they are born.

What was his reaction when you told him you were pregnant ?

His role is to support you during pregnancy; bonding will happen when you actually have had the baby.

And yes, subsequent children are amazing and incredible (I have 3) but when you have to crack on with looking after your existing children you have a lot less brain space to think about the one who isn’t here yet. I also worried less 3rd time around - the other 2 were still alive so I just got on with it. I can imagine that’s very hard when one parent is in the first time parent headspace and 1 is in the 3rd time parent headspace. It’s not that the 3rd was less loved or wanted but they are very very different things

Your overthinking it. His main role at the moment is to support you.

Don’t worry he will bond with the baby when it’s here!

@Pyewhacket

Initially his first reaction was shock, feeling overwhelmed and anger as he didn't want me to have the baby and couldn't understand how/why I felt keeping the baby could ever be an option for me/us. He's rather traditional and subsequently felt it was totally the wrong thing to do.

It's him some time, buy he's very slowly been able to get his head around the situation now somewhat but he still isn't open about his feelings regarding the situation or broaching the topic first.

This is very slowly improving but not really helped by our relationship still feeling quite so new/immature.

Having another child was never on on his list of priorities as he was content that aspect of his life had been completed.

@PotteringAlong

Thank you for your post. You make a very good point and this does help to explain the distance I feel from him and in my pregnancy. Our not being at a stage to live together also does not seem to help the situation either and as you've touched upon, and neither his having so very little time available due to work and parenting responsibilities too xx

@KnittedFairies

Thank you and I hope you're right regarding his being able to bond once the baby is here.

Otherwise he's not really supporting me at all during the pregnancy tbh. I've felt much more like a single parent since I realised I was pregnant, and hence how/why I'm trying to include him if I can and/or if I can do anything to try to encourage that.

It do find it hard/lonely, but I also realise too that he probably feels everything has been forced upon him when it was not what he had wanted or had planned for either himself or his existing children.