Narcissist ex telling our daughter to lie to me

[77Alex]

Evening all, I'm feeling sad that my horrid narcissist ex must be telling our 5 year old to 'not tell me things'.

My daughter has allergies and the last few weeks has been coming home with red, watery and sore looking eyes. When I have asked her has she come into contact with any cats she keeps replying "I don't know".
I think her dad might have a new partner who has a cat (which is where the red eyes have come from)

It is none of my business what happens at her Dad's house, and I never pry into anything she does with him (separated years and he is a compulsive liar, narcissist and has mental health issues). I simply ask if she has had a nice time when I welcome her home.

I think my ex has a new partner (absolutely fine, but he would never tell me) and there have been times the past few weeks that my bubbly, happy daughter goes very quiet with me when I ask about her day and keeps repeating "I don't know".

Does anyone have any advice on what is best to do in this situation please? Mentioning to my ex would be no good, as he uses discussions as a reason to argue with me, nor would it change his behaviour and suddenly make him not lie!

I feel so sad that my daughter obviously feels in a difficult position as it's clear he must say things like "don't tell Mum" or "say I don't know".

As long as our daughter is happy and healthy I don't care what happens when she is with her Dad. I don't want my daughter thinking it's ok to keep secrets, or to feel she ever has to keep things from me because her Dad tells her to. I have said that she shouldn't keep secrets from me and if anyone says "don't tell anyone" that she shouldn't keep secrets from adults.

We have such a lovely relationship and I want her to grow up strong and confident.

Thoughts or advice please?

Thankyou xx

Are you seriously expecting your daughter to confirm wether dad has a new girlfriend and whether the new girlfriend has a cat?

Giver some piriton. Pick up the phone to narcissistic ex and tell him to keep an eye on her allergies.

Also she is quite little and “I don’t know” seems a perfectly reasonable answer at that age.

I think she may well feel very ackward answering any questions..

She may be been asked about you and feel very in the middle..

I would simply drop ex a text.. noticed she has watery eyes - remember if she has any allergic reaction ... works well.

Then there is no discussion no conversation..

Let her drop in what she wants to tell you. Just give her space to talk.

If you want to find out anything ask in a roundabout way, 'what's the cat's name?' will elicit an easier response.

I'd hand over Piiiton when you hand her over next time.

Yr DD is being returned looking unhealthy (re her eyes). You have every right to ask him if she's been near an irritant. You could mention that you'll be taking her to the DD's if no explanation is found.

If he denies all knowledge, take her to the dr. This makes a record of the harm, and ensures there is no other innocent explanation. She also might tell the dr!

• to the dr's

She’s probably got a loyalty bond to you and thinks you’ll be upset about a girlfriend. The best thing you can do for her well-being is send her with piraton and not question her.

I feel so sad that my daughter obviously feels in a difficult position as it's clear he must say things like "don't tell Mum" or "say I don't know".

I have a step child who does this (to us). And when I’ve heard him on the phone to his mum, being bombarded by questions like ‘what have you done today/eaten/exercised’ etc becomes visibly upset.

This isn’t about your needs or feelings and you need to put those aside. Allergies is one thing, but unless he is feeding her peanuts and she’s having severe anaphylaxis, it’s not going to be worthy of a court order. You need to find a better way of dealing with that that is within your control.

It is not your place to ask about Dad’s girlfriend. I’m sorry, it sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. Kids do pick up on adult feelings, we have never said to my step-son don’t tell mummy, yet I hear him editing history with my own ears. They are caught between two people whose love and attention they want and they don’t want to upset either of them.

Be gentle with your questioning. Control only what’s yours to control. Leave your ex to crack on with his life and if allergies becomes a welfare issue, suggest to him she takes daily piriton when she’s there.