7 year old son doesn't want to see his dad

[spiderplantwoman]

Hello Mumsnet,
Hoping for some help/any offer of support here.
Separated from my child's dad 5 years ago.
His dad has frequently let him down over the years (in more normal times cancelling at last minute in favour of a night out/football match etc or being very late) ... I have always let his dad 'get away with it' & tried to encourage my son to see his dad/never slagged his dad off in front of him & remained diplomatic.
Last year, in lockdown, his dad wanted to see him more (he's such a lovely kid) and got 'better' at sticking to the plan, but then as the country opened up again he started to let him down again, then let him down enormously at the start of 2021. His dad did something that impacted him and me & my family. Can't say what for fear of outing but it involved cancelling something really important at last minute.
For the last month my son has been saying he doesn't want to see his dad now. Son has presented as quite angry at times & won't talk about it but occasionally says he doesn't like his dad anymore. I've communicated this politely to his dad via text and his dad has not apologised or asked how son is, just said 'I've got rights and son hasn't because he's 7' - I want to see him. My understanding is child contact is in a child's best interest.
I don't want to force him to see his dad & don't think this should be a forced thing. WWYD?
TIA people

Well if dad wants to force contact he will have to go to court.

If you and dad get along okay, could you maybe suggest all going on a walk together for a couple of contacts. To help ds rebuild the trust with dad?

You are absolutely right. He has responsibilities. Not rights. And contact is in the child best interest.

I would suggest you say let's leave it a few weeks without any pressure and see if he feels more able to see his dad then?

I had this situation. I offered the following to ds.

Dad to come to our house for an hour. Drink. Tea?

We meet dad somewhere together

He can go for an hour and I pick him back up.

Ds refused all suggestions and after and an angry confrontation was adamant he was never seeing him again.

My Ds was 12 at the time so old enough to make his mind up in the eyes of court. Not that ex went that route.

I still give Ds every opportunity to resume contact. He had a phone with his dads number in if he wishes to get in touch without my facilitation. He is also having counselling at my expense to hopefully make some peace with his feelings towards his dad and move things forward when he is comfortable too.

All you can do is respect your sons feeling. I have said a lot. Your dad has behaved badly. And you are right to feel angry. But sometimes adults make mistakes and he loves you. And would like to see you. It is of course all horseshit. His dad is a selfish arse who can't think about anyone but himself. But I will let the children come to that conclusion in their own time. For now I repeat the above. And say anytime you want to see your dad I will make it happen however that looks to you.

@TheChip @unicornsarereal72 I'm so grateful to you for your replies.
Son's dad has been consistently crap over the years. Whenever I have challenged him he's got arsey, even gaslighted me which has left me feeling really weak. And I'm not a weak person.
Son has lost a lot of faith & I think your suggestion of a joint meet up/whatever son wants the next contact to look like (if he wants it) is a good idea.
Life feels easier without his dad chopping & changing things & bring eternally shite.

Yep. When they arent on the scene life is much calmer.

I don't engage with my x. Other than pick up times. I don't chase him. Ask for money ( that has proven to be futile) make any demands.

When things were kicking off. I wouldn't engage beyond what the children want. So if he said I'm seeing the children. I would reply great dd will be ready at 8. And repeat.

It always got twisted or ending in us getting shouted at. But that was because he was loosing his control over-me and Ds. It's all just hot air. I just kept calm and said I won't be spoke to like that. Takes the wind out of his sail as he wanted a slanging match. So he could tell people how terrible I was/am.

Sad that it is like it is but that is on him.

@unicornsarereal72 yep he sure does like to keep the narrative of me being shit/awful/crazy rolling - his girlfriend thinks she's got herself a real diamond geezer there & she has accused me of all kinds of shit in the past (everything he's fed her, she believes) ... they are both vile.
But I'll keep on letting my son decide what he wants. He's bright. He deserves to feel heard & I'm not gonna challenge his boundaries.
If he decides to see his dad I'll let him decide what that will be ... but I don't know if that's going to happen anytime soon

@spiderplantwoman you got this. Your Ds has a strong mother behind him.

I have moment where I wonder what the ow/gf sees in him. But they believe the narrative they are told. I don't give it any fuel. Although I'm sure that is twisted into me alienating him. 🙄

@unicornsarereal72 thanks so much... you have no idea how much your words have helped.
Had a real wobble yesterday. 💜