I’m stopping contact

[Zhomby20]

Sorry this might be long will make as brief as I can, just really wanting some kind of reassurance.

Ok so married to a narc for 11 years before I divorced him last year. We have two sons together 16 & 11 and I have two old sons (22 & 18) from a previous relationship. He would never allow their dad in their lives, but now he is gone we get on really well and his partner is lovely.

My ex husband has a bad history. A recovering heroin addict (unsure if he still uses he is a very functional addict, states she doesn’t but I don’t believe word from his lips), he did 2 years in prison for burglary, is a very standard paranoid, abusive narcissist.

In October he met a woman a little bit older than him (in her 50’s) and the same week moved in with her. We had this whole drama over him wanting our 11 year old to stay with them at the weekend and meet her, he didn’t want to, but eventually gave in. His new partner is ok, a bit daft as described by my 16 year old!
By mid November he has got engaged to her and is still in the idealisation phase, love bombing her and creating a dependency on him. It’s very very similar to how he was with me.

Anyway since Christmas he has only seen our 11 year old once, and our son has some really difficult anxiety and low mood issues and is having therapy for this. DS was upset last weekend, he wanted to see his dad but he kept saying no. I don’t normally have any contact with him but I I agreed to ask him.
I was told no. I asked if he could just go for a walk around the park with him, still no. He is sitting on his arse watching Netflix all day and won’t take any parental responsibility.

So my brother who lives alone took my son, and cheered him up, when he found out he made my son uncomfortable for going to his uncles.
DS asked if he got tested could he come at the weekend and he was like ‘we will see’ but clearly didn’t like the idea.

I am so sick of him treating my son like this. His mental health is a mess again, school support officer called today and we agreed this is just not healthy for him.

I have decided to stop all contact for his wellbeing. To be honest I don’t think my ex will be bothered.
Just wanted to get some advice really on how to handle things and has anyone else been through similar?

It's a tough one. And it is you managing the fall out. But if you say no more that makes you the bad person.

My ex is beyond flakey. He can go months without seeing or contacting the children. Eldest has gone non contact. And has counselling.

Youngest adores her dad. See how she feels when she is a teenager. But for now I leave it up to him. I don't chase. Or cover up for him. currently he is going through a being in touch phase. But I'm sure once the pubs open and his social life starts up again we won't see him for dust.

I think at 11.. i would be supporting your Ds rather than making the decision..you can give him options but ket him make hus own mind up

I think at 11 you still need to support your son to see his dad, if possible. I think you need to sit your son down and explain how he’s not well and doesn’t feel able to see son at the moment, then maybe encourage your son to talk to his dad or FaceTime, but not to keep asking to see him as the rejection is going to be what is causing the upset for your son, I imagine.
I would keep encouraging your dB to be involved as that is an adult male your son can rely on.

@Thebookswereherfriends

I think at 11 you still need to support your son to see his dad, if possible. I think you need to sit your son down and explain how he’s not well and doesn’t feel able to see son at the moment, then maybe encourage your son to talk to his dad or FaceTime, but not to keep asking to see him as the rejection is going to be what is causing the upset for your son, I imagine. I would keep encouraging your dB to be involved as that is an adult male your son can rely on.

I have re read your post...

Maybe you need to discuss how all this is affecting him and he needs a break.. His mh is tge priority