Should I let my daughters father into her life?

[elizabea]

I wrote a question on here ages ago about my daughters father & the answers where really helpful- but I’ve forgotten the login details.

I met my daughters father when I was 19. I was in a bad place (dropped out of school etc) & moved to Morocco (he’s moroccan). We dated for a couple of months & he started becoming controlling (telling me what I could wear/ who I could talk to etc). I broke up with him. A few days later he saw he in the street & started following me & shouting his name. I ignored him & kept walking. He grabbed my arm & when I tried to get away he spat in my face. He then walked off & left me. He started sending me messages threatening me.
Fast forward 6 months & I was in another bad place. He started contacting me again- being really nice. After a few months we became friends again. & a few more months after that we were back in a relationship. (I really can’t emphasise enough what an awful time this was for me- I can’t believe I let him back in my life but it also shows how clever & manipulative he can be).
Anyway we were in a relationship for another 6 months & he was truly the perfect boyfriend during this time. He didn’t put a foot wrong once. He was like a completely different person.
I then decided to go back to the Uk to work for a while & the day before my flight I found out I was pregnant. I went back to the Uk anyway as I needed to work & save money.
During this time he was awful. He wanted me to get an abortion, he became very controlling again (telling me who I could talk to/ what I could wear etc) & was trying to force me into converting to Islam. It was an awful time. I understand his stress too- it’s illegal to have children out of wedlock in Morocco, his family would have gone crazy if they knew he was having a baby out of wedlock, we didn’t have any money, his job wasn’t stable (although he works very hard) & we couldn’t find anywhere to live.
Luckily at 7/8 months pregnant I came to my senses & left him.
He can’t come to the Uk to see our daughter because of visas & I refuse to ever take her to Morocco because he has to give his permission for her to leave again & I don’t even slightly trust him.
He really really wants to be in contact with our daughter. I let him video call her sometimes.
I’m just so confused in what the right thing to do is. She’s 2 now but I’ve been keeping contact to a minimum because I just don’t trust him.
I’m terrified that I’m going to do the wrong thing & my daughter will hate me for it later in life.
I love being a mum so much. It has healed me in so many ways. I love my daughter so much. We have an incredible relationship. I feel so lucky every day.
I just want to do what’s best for her. If him having a relationship with her is the right thing, I will put my feelings & experiences aside. No one in my family will give me their opinion because they say I have to decide myself.

What is the right thing to do for my daughter?

this is really difficult.

i wouldnt let him come over to have physical contact alone, nor would i ever take her over there or actually out of the UK

contact via video call, yes if hes willing but be very guarded.

sorry no actual advice except i agree never to go to morocco or let himbe unsupervised!

Ask him to write letters to begin with. That might even help him process his feelings so that he calms down a little. Why can't he get a visa? He ought to be able to for family reasons. If he does manage to come over I would still do everything through the courts and do supervised visits at a contact centre if you can.

No way. Sorry, I wouldn’t risk it tbh

Due to his past history I would be extremely concerned about him abusing her, as he did you. Also that his motivations may be less than altruistic (marriage, spousal visa). No, thanks. Minimal contact via Zoom for a long, long time. Until he's proved otherwise.

Here's a question to consider. How would he behave if you were with/married to someone else?

No. Take no chances with this one.

No. You don't know him and you can't trust him. You don't know his family or the country he lives in or the legal system.
When she's much older you could consider taking her to a different part of Morocco to meet him if she wants to (don't go to where his home and family are and don't let her out of your sight) but for now let him prove he can commit to video contact and no more.

Hmm no, too much risk going on here. Maybe allow the odd video call. Don't do letters unless you use a P.O. Box. I'd not want him knowing where you live

No don’t let him write letters (what bad advice) then he will know where you live,

I wouldn't let him have your address. Keep contact minimal. Why can't he get a visa? As others have said, I would worry he will try to control your dd if he has face to face contact.