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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Would you ever go back ... to an abusive partner?

20 replies

Happynow · 28/10/2007 23:33

Has anyone,ever, done this and made a success of it? Just wondering ... is it true that a "leopard never changes its spots"?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

godalmighty2 · 28/10/2007 23:50

i think it takes a lot for people to change. how easy do you find it to be different? i tried to make a go of it with xp but it was a nightmare. I think once youve crossed the bridge, youve crossed the bridge.....but the thing is, HAVE you really crossed the bridge yet?

Are you still hankering after him? if you are, go for it. 100%. at least then if it goes pearshaped it will happen quickly and you will move on quickly.

the only thing you've got to waste is your time.....

does taht make sense?

themildmanneredaxemurderer · 28/10/2007 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 28/10/2007 23:55

do you have kids?

because if you do and go back to an abusive partner, and he hasn't had some majorly intense therapy and anger management classes and proven he/she can successfully manage anger, then you have more to lose than just him.

you could lose your kids.

not to mention how cruel it would be to bring kids back into such a situation.

it may be they are terrified by the ex's behaviour and/or lived a horribly insecure life because of it.

oh, and let's not forget what an example it gives teh kids about how a healthy relationship operates.

i think if you're even so much as thinking about this for one second you still need some counselling to figure out why you are feeling this.

OverMyDeadBody · 28/10/2007 23:55

NO never no no no no no

Why would you want to?????????

I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than with someone who might, possibly, lash out again. Habits and patterns of behaviour are hard to break. Why risk it?

bookofthedeadmum · 28/10/2007 23:58

Not under any circs. People don't really change.

Original poster

Happynow · 29/10/2007 00:50

Thanks for your replys. Honestly, it was what I expected to hear. In my heart of hearts I know I can't go back. I would say that my son has never, and would never, be in danger from his father. His rage was directed at me. We've been separated 5 months and I think I'm just realising that actually I've been through a pretty rough time - whilst maintaining an "amicable" front.

Really, thank you for posting - I appreciate each and every comment. Expat, my son was never witness to any of this and I would run a million miles to protect him from any such scenarios.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 29/10/2007 01:21

saddly, happy, despite an abused partner's best efforts to shield their children from what's going on, sooner or later, those children always find out/know about it.

so you did the best thing you could for your child and your life by getting AWAY from this person.

have you had any counselling, therapy or been to any support groups/forums for former abused partners?

Pinkchampagne · 29/10/2007 16:23

No I wouldn't. My ex husband never hurt me physically, but would still frighten me with his temper, and was very controlling.
I was with him 11 years in total, and gave him quite a few chances to change his ways, but he just couldn't change long term.
I ended the relationship over a year back, but have only been in my own place for 5 months. Much as it can be tough being on my own with the boys, I feel more relaxed now, and would never go back to him because I know he would never change & I would be right back where I was.

Now that I have met a lovely man, I really realise how unhealthy our relationship was.

Debra1981 · 30/10/2007 00:03

Expat, how can i get in touch with support groups/forums that you mentioned? not feeling unsure like happy but still feeling a bit burdened by what has happened. tried local dv sources (police unit, local women's aid, victim support) with no luck. all saying if i need to talk should see a counsellor via gp- which i don't really fancy, just want to chat and vent with similar, not analyse- i already know why i feel the way i do! wouldn't mind travelling a bit so do you know where there are any?

sKerryMum · 30/10/2007 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alambil · 30/10/2007 00:19

unfortunately, Skerry - no, it's not

Many women go through these thoughts I think.

I wouldn't go back to my ex for all the money in the world.

Just keep thinking of when you have settled down, money is fine; whatever - how much happier you will be because you are YOU and in control of you and not at the beck and call of some arsehole

mamazombie · 30/10/2007 00:33

i took my partner back time and time again.
each time he beat the living daylighst out of me within a week.
he went on anger managment courses, took anti d's, had councelling.

he was just a vile person who thought it ok to hit people.

no i would not ever go back to an abusive partner now.

expatinscotland · 30/10/2007 00:35

Debra, why not start here? Why not start a thread in chat? Or, if you are also a parent who has left or been left, in the Lone Parent section?

Or if you want I could start one for you.

I went out with an emotionally abusive man, but fortunately was able to recognise it and repel and then of course when his control machinations wouldn't work he lost it with me and tried to strike out and that was it.

But still, that stays with me!

Where are you at, Deb?

This thread is here to support you, too.

Did you know, there are many women here who have been through this, they have survived things that are incredible, and they are here for support.

sKerryMum · 30/10/2007 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamazombie · 30/10/2007 00:45

debra - just wanted to add that if you ever feel the need to tal about anything i am more than happy to offer a shoulder.

ive been there myself and am sufficiantly "over it" to be able to talk about it all.
by all means CAT me if you want to talk.

chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks · 30/10/2007 01:06

even if children are not direct witnesses they still know something's not right. And they see and hear more as they get older. You wouldn't want your son to think it's OK to be abusive to his partner.

mamazombie · 30/10/2007 11:08

a child will be aware of domestic violance in teh home, even if you dont realise it.

trust me.

Lorayn · 30/10/2007 11:22

Oh goodness, I really feel for you that you can still be low enough to consider going back
You are worth a million times better than any abuse, everyone is, we all deserve to be treated with the utmost respect and should treat others the same way.

I have been through an abusive relationship, and had 2 children with the guy, I didnt think my DD had really picked up on much of it but the change in her over the last two years is amazing.

Please, to anyone considering entering back into an abusive relationship, for you and your children, do not ever settle for being less than someone's everything.

The only time I would ever say 'try it' would be after some hardcore therapy, together and seperately, I used to think it was me that made xDP the way he was, so why do I not make my dp that way now? and why is exdp the same with his other girlfriends???

Also if anyone were to 'try it' please not at home, with children about, you can date for long enough without making it a live-in arrangement, and you will soon see if those triggers are still there.

BrownSuga · 30/10/2007 19:35

my step-mum stayed with my father, he got counselling (not sure of details here) and sorted himself out. had a happy marriage and 2 happy kids after that

FlightAttendant · 01/11/2007 10:04

No. I will never go back to that.

It sounds as though you are just starting to come up against your own anger and pain regarding what happened, which yes is hard to face and can make you want to try and search for a reason not to go through that process.

If you can somehow convince yourself that he 'wasn't that bad' then it will be easy - just start over with him, and pretend each time that he does something, that he still isn't 'that bad' and nobody is perfect and he is just your lot in life.

Tempting but ultimately not going to help.

Unless he has had a LOT of therapy in those few months, he is not going to have changed. Men like this can't help themselves. It takes a huge amount of work to alter their behaviour. It would take a very long time.

I hope you find the courage to face your bad feelings about what you allowed to happen to you before, and forgive yourself, not step back into it in the hope it will allow you never to feel that pain.

I always remember what my ex said to me once about women who stay in abusive relationships - 'It's their own fault, for not leaving'.

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