So Ex P and I separated more than 18 months ago but continued co-habiting until Oct 2020 when he moved out. We have one DS (8) whom he has overnight twice a week and EOW. DS can also facetime whenever he likes.
The separation has been hard for DS who understood before his Dad moved out that we weren't together but understandably was still upset when his Dad moved out. The problem is that since ExP moved out, he continually badmouthes me to DS, relays details of conversations that took place between us (and should have stayed between us), constantly tells DS that they have 'to stick together', ExP has to 'manage and monitor my behaviour', uses DS as an emotional crutch and generally treats DS like his best friend and confidante rather than a parent/child relationship.
We've had 'its all her fault', ExP never wanted to move out but I made him', he wanted to see the person that would make it all better but I refused (I did, we had been on the rocks for years by this point, there was nothing to rebuild!), my attitude is appalling, etc etc.
DS is also being encouraged to spy on me - phone conversations etc and report back to ExP. ExP has also told DS that 'we will end up in court' (we won't) over an incident where he compromised DS's wellbeing (safeguarding issue) and also broke Covid 19 rules. This is all sold to DS as me trying to cause trouble or DS's actions have got ExP into trouble.
Rather than adjusting to the situation, poor DS is crumbling under the strain - every time he returns from ExP's he is either upset and tearful or hostile and truculent. And every time he starts to adjust and become happier about things ExP knocks him back to square one.
When I've called him out on these things, he completely denies it, pretends DS is making it up (he has form for lying and gaslighting) and tells DS the details of all conversations about said subject but in a 'mummy is trying to get daddy into trouble again' kind of way.
I'm at my wits end. It's awful seeing DS hurt so much and much as ExP claims that DS 'is the only thing he cares about' this clearly isn't borne out by his actions as the instant DS looks happy, ExP appears grumped by this and ups the emotional abuse (telling DS that the seperation has totally destroyed him etc) to return him to a state of hurt and misery. DS's attitude towards me is deteriorating into truculence, refusing to do as he's told, rudeness and often treats me with contempt as this is all my fault - he was happy, his dad was happy and they are the only ones who are miserable and unhappy with this situation, not me.
I was fully prepared for ExP to pull some stunt like this when he moved out but I'm gobsmacked that he can use our child in this manner to this extent and I feel completely powerless to address it. Any attempt by me to ask him to change his behaviour will just result in him denying it, telling DS off for telling me and then asking DS not to tell me anything else otherwise he will get into trouble.
He's never been very good at taking responsibility for his own actions or maintaining boundaries between him and DS and has constantly overshared or told him things that are completely inappropriate for DS to know - especially at 8yrs old!
Anyone any advice on how to manage this other than crying into a glass of wine which is what I feel like doing most evenings...