Abusive Ex threatening court! PLEASE HELP

[SkyAC]

Can anyone please give me some advice?

I was on and off with my ex partner for 12 years.
Relationship started when we were 13. In now 25.
My ex partner was emotionally and physically abusive. He has been to prison for ABH towards myself, smashed up my car (on police record), I could go on for ages about the abuse.
Our relationship was based around alcohol. I would go weeks/months without seeing him. Then if I binge drunk I would end up in his bed the next morning with massive regret.
Anyways, I found myself pregnant last year and gave birth to my beautiful son in Sept 2020.
My ex was abusive, binge drank, cheated on me and smashed up my car while I was pregnant. I ended the relationship late pregnancy when I found out he cheated etc.
For some reason I still gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought he would be a good Father and allowed him to meet my son. I allowed him contact until my son was 5 weeks old for a few hours every couple of evenings.

I once believed that his immediate family would support the co-parenting and be a third party so that He could be supported in becoming a healthy Father figure and influence in My sons life. This belief was broken-down due to not informing me that His Biological Father had gained his own flat , (45 minutes away from me) and had taken my son there without communicating anything to me. I was lead to believe my son was at My ex partners parents’ house which is a two-minute drive from my current address. After finding out through social media that my son had been in his flat, being held by a male who works at a fun fayre, I communicated my concerns and feelings about the situation and was told that it is “none of my business” where my son is when he is with his Father.

I have seen My ex multiple times in a house on my road which houses drug addicts. One of which overdosed this year and was in a coma.

He drives erratically down my road and in the village. He has even over taken my family car. He has also been seen with his partner on my road. I believe he is trying to cause agitation with his behaviour.
All of the above are reasons why I am not wanting to facilitate/ co-operate My son seeing his biological Father in a contact centre, not only because of His way of living but also the fact he is not socially distancing or preventing himself from Covid 19.

I have so many concerns about His parenting and the affect him being in my sons life will have on him. These range from; his involvement in drugs/ drug dealing, his binge drinking (which increased heavily when I was pregnant), the people he associates with, his gambling addiction, his mental health, his disabilities, his criminal record, his erratic driving, his unpredictable behaviour (i.e; causing damage to my Mothers vehicle in my early pregnancy), his abuse towards me as My sons Mother, his illegal poaching, his lack of care towards social distancing, etc.

He has now told me he is taking me to court to get access to my son.
I’m just wondering if anyone has any experience with this? I stopped all contact as I do not feel my son is safe and did not know his whereabouts. Am I doing the right thing? Also, what will he likely get in court?

Hi skyac I've had alot of legal advice on what access the other parent will have and was told in 99% of cases the father will get access to the child however in your case it will be most likely supervised access. Unless the child is in immediate danger courts don't tend to stop access. Have you seen a solicitor yet?

See a solicitor your case is complicated

Let him make his threats. Do you really think this loser has the money for court costs? See a solicitor and prepare just in case.

You definitely need to speak to a solicitor. And contact your health visitor who will refer you to the domestic abuse service that’s in your area. I got legal aid for my court case due to domestic abuse, i was referred to refuge who got it for me.

Even though you’re not with him any more they will still be keen to help you and your son.

There’s a domestic abuse forum called survivorsforum it’s run by women’s aid, the ladies on there are full of knowledge on your exact issues, I’d definitely try there for advice as well.

Another good resource is rights of women. Another charity, the phone lines aren’t open very much but calls are handled by solicitors I believe so they would be a great help. A quick google will tell you when they’re open.

Your first step needs to be to gain knowledge so you know what to about contact right now. What you do now will have an impact on a court outcome if it gets that far. Honestly though don’t be scared, a court order would probably be best for you because he can’t just do whatever he wants to then.

x

You should welcome this move (if he's telling the truth)

I am doubting whether a druggie would pay £210 plus possibly fees for an actual lawyer but it would help you to have a CAO if he did something extreme like not bring your son back. The police can help if there's a CAO, if not you'd have to go to court and get an emergency order etc which obviously takes time.

Supervised contact in a contact centre sounds like a reasonable compromise.

Court costs a lot of money, solicitors fees are more commonly on the £1000s than in the hundreds. Both parents are likely to struggle with those fees regardless or who is right.

Op, my only advice is to start a very thorough record of incidences, written factually ( no emotion or interpretation of facts, ie. “23.02.2021 seen at drug supplier house” rather than “he has been buying drugs again regardless of his promises and whatever”

A good record will help you intensively in court, more than a HV or even, in some cases, a CAFCASs officer. What you need to show is a pattern of risk as he will try to say you are making things up or minimise incidents.

I would however say, that you have no right to dictate that your ex’s family have to be around during contact unless it has been ordered by court so I would be more tempted to stop contact altogether until he takes you to court.

My other piece of advise is reduce interactions with your ex, radio silence is the best way to keep out of trouble with an abusive out of control man.

Please speak to your health visitor about all this and ask to be referred to your local domestic abuse services. Refuge have services all over the country and they are an absolute god send. They will help you work out if you're eligible for legal aid.

If he does apply to court, unfortunately, the courts will grant access in 99.9% of cases therefore I think you need to prepare yourself for the reality that he will get contact, and focus more on how to make that contact safe for your son. It may be supervised for a time, and likely short period due to the age of your child. I'm not saying any of this is right it is right (it plainly isn't), but it is the way it is I'm afraid - I was shocked by how much was seen as ''acceptable'' risk in the courts. Please make sure you report any / all instances of abuse to the police to ensure you have a full record. Keep your communication with him to factual, unemotional and in writing (not verbal discussions). Ensure your own drinking is not a factor anymore, as he's likely to counter accuse you on this point ( again, not right but the way it is..).

Let him take you to court.
It will take time.
Reports will be done. Be factual.
Report to police any illegal behaviour.

Driving in your road is not illegal.

I would do a runner, move far and cut him out he sounds like a very dangerous man.