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Original poster

Please would someone advise what to do, 12 month old dd & contact

18 replies

Anon778833 · 10/01/2021 16:14

My ex-partner and I have a 12 month old daughter. We were, until recently in a relationship and have been for about 3 years. We don’t live together, however. Our daughter lives with me full time and he was coming over to visit her.

The reason for the break up is that my ex partner shows a lot of emotional instability and his being at my house has started to affect my mental health.

He is obsessed with conspiracy theories concerning Donald Trump. The final straw for me was him aligning himself with the people who stormed the government buildings in Washington DC and saying that he thinks they were right to do it. He also thinks that Covid doesn’t exist and that vaccinations are designed to kill people or make them infertile. Earlier this week when that happened I told him he should be ashamed to endorse violence. He then said that he thinks he should take our daughter because he ‘doesn’t want her living under tyranny’. I don’t think he would really take her but obviously I was upset by this.

He acknowledges that he has mental health problems but if he is struggling, instead of consulting a doctor or a psychotherapist, he starts going to see psychics, reiki practitioners and faith healers. He just wants to sit there and be told that he’s a light worker and about his past lives etc. Most of the time this makes him worse. He also uses a pendulum to make important decisions. As a result, he is living over an hour away from me and the rest of his family and is isolated there.

I have so many concerns that I don’t even know where to begin. Our daughter loves him and I feel bad that I’ve reduced the contact time she has with him. But at the same time I see him as unstable and currently not a healthy influence for her given his views which are sickening to me. He spends all day online talking about conspiracy theories, to the extent that he has not been working.

How do I handle this? I just don’t know what to do. I still have feelings for him and if I let him come to the house he can break my resolve. Because of covid and the cold weather it’s hard to enable contact and find a neutral place. What is reasonable? I just want what’s best for our daughter.

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FelicityPike · 10/01/2021 16:24

This is tricky because just because his beliefs are different to yours doesn’t make him a “bad, dangerous” dad.
If you are genuinely worried that he won’t return your daughter then you can get a court order stating that she must be returned (someone else will hopefully tell you the proper title etc), so please seek legal advice and perhaps also the help & advice of your local social services department.
Why hasn’t dad been taking his daughter to his own home on his visitation times after you split up?
How much visitation are you currently “allowing”? Has he mentioned mediation/ court to have it put into writing? Does he pay proper, regular maintenance for his daughter?

Original poster
Anon778833 · 10/01/2021 16:24

In normal circumstances I’d be willing to drive her to her grandparents or her uncle and cousins so that he could have contact there, but obviously with Lockdown that isn’t possible.

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Original poster
Anon778833 · 10/01/2021 16:27

Yes, he does pay maintenance but he doesn’t want it calculated by the CSA - he just told me he’s going to pay X amount of money and he pays it.

The reason he doesn’t take her to his house is that he lives over an hour away from where we do.

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FelicityPike · 10/01/2021 16:33

An hour really isn’t that far.
If he picks her up on a Friday and you pick her back up on either a Sunday evening or Monday morning?
Have you looked at the CMS calculator and made sure what he’s offering (at the very least) the right amount?

Original poster
Anon778833 · 10/01/2021 16:33

I mean, hopefully he’s not a bad or a dangerous dad but I do think he’s irrational sometimes. I don’t doubt that he loves her. He just has some odd ideas - like making me cancel our sky because he said it would cause radiation damage.

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HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 10/01/2021 16:35

You can form a childcare bubble and children not living with their parents are free to love between homes. Get him to see whether his parents/other family member would will allow regular contact.

Its not ideal but unless you can prove that he is a physical risk then the courts won't listen to the fact he is a conspiracy nut. Courts recommend short but regular contact so at that age Dd was seeing her dad 3 hrs 3 times a week.

It's hard to let them go to someone we think don't have their best interest at heart but unless he is a physical risk then he is her dad and she should see him, she'll learn his quirks as she grows.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 10/01/2021 16:35

*move not love

converseandjeans · 10/01/2021 16:35

Is he Laurence Fox?

FelicityPike · 10/01/2021 16:36

Well now he’s gone get Sky back!
Trust me, I used to know people like this (before COVID) and there’s just no talking to them.
It’s sad, really sad & I feel for you and your daughter, but as I said earlier, I would seek legal & social work advice.

Orf1abc · 10/01/2021 16:39

Unfortunately conspiracy theories are pretty mainstream now, and not necessarily an indicator of poor mental health. Also there's no link between covid denial and bad or dangerous parents, someone can have extreme views but still be capable of looking after their child.

Can he form a bubble with a closer family member? He could then see the child at their property.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 10/01/2021 16:43

I don’t know how much he earns @FelicityPike and he gets angry if I mention the CMS.

I thought it wasn’t advised for children to sleep overnight at NRP’s house when they’re this young?. Our daughter is quite attached to me and she doesn’t settle without me there at bedtime.

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Original poster
Anon778833 · 10/01/2021 16:46

I wouldn’t want to stop him seeing her - that’s not my intention.

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FelicityPike · 10/01/2021 17:29

I think it’s once they’re older than 6 months and getting their nutrients from weaning that courts will consider overnight stays.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 10/01/2021 17:44

I read at least 3 years old...

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FelicityPike · 10/01/2021 17:49

@SugarbabyMilly

I read at least 3 years old...
No, that’s definitely not feasible.
Original poster
Anon778833 · 10/01/2021 17:58

That was the advice I read on gingerbread some times ago. I imagine it’s a case by case basis. I think she would be ok with him overnight but I’m not sure she would be ok without me for a whole weekend.

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Original poster
Anon778833 · 10/01/2021 18:05

Here’s what one family law firm gives as a guideline.

Please would someone advise what to do, 12 month old dd & contact
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Original poster
Anon778833 · 10/01/2021 20:26

So we are thinking that she could go to his for one day a week and maybe start to stay one night from the age of about 18 months to 2 years. Anyone know if it’s ok for a baby to be in a car seat for 2.5 hours in 24?

It will expand her horizons - he does live in a lovely areas and she needs a lot of stimulation.

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