Lockdown and contact

[BlackCatRoundabout]

I have an DD8 with my ex. He sees her regularly. My ex lives with his partner who is now officially shielding. Me and my ex do not have contact, everything goes through his partner (he's controlling and seems to hate me for absolutely no reason).

I have been working from home since March, so has his partner. My ex doesn't work from home, although now he is due to his partner shielding again.

He has said that he would like to keep DD8 for 14 days, then I have her for 14, then him, then me etc for the duration of this lockdown as it's 'safer' that way. As all of us are working from home I feel that the risk is minimal so we should stick to the regular contact, and I don't feel DD8 being away from me for 14 nights is fair on her (she has a brother at home and also never normally spends more than 2/3 nights away from home).

(Last lockdown in April he didn't see DD8 for 9 weeks due to his partner shielding even though we were all working from home and I had food shopping delivered too).

I'd appreciate people's thoughts, thanks x

I can't imagine not seeing my DC for 2 weeks, but then my ex has used Covid as an excuse not to see them at all.
Could you ask DD what she would like to do? I'd say if she's not usually away from you for that long then she won't want to be. And IMO 8 year olds are old enough to have an opinion.

It’s about what is best for DD. I’m trying not to project my own situation, but children need stability now more than ever, and she isn’t going to get that from a 2 weeks mum/2 weeks dad rota if that’s not what she’s used to.

DD8 doesn't want to do 2 weeks at a time.

I think if I don't agree to it then my ex will say he's not going to see her for the whole lockdown again.

No way would I hand DD over for 2 weeks if she doesn’t want to. If he thinks his wants trumps DD’s needs, then he is being selfish and unreasonable. I’d be very factual and clear about it, and if he gives you an ultimatum, so be it.

She says no its a no

So I'm not being unreasonable by saying no then? He keeps saying that he has no choice to either do the 14 days at a time or nothing as his partner is officially shielding again.

YANBU at all IMO. I'd rather have my DC 24/7 than not see them for 2 weeks! The longest I've ever been away from them was 7 nights and I was a quivering wreck (they are 16 and 14 btw)

He has said that I'm the unreasonable one as I should be thinking about what's best to keep his partner shielded, and doing the 14 days at a time means she's protected and he also gets to see DD8 still that way.

@BlackCatRoundabout

So I'm not being unreasonable by saying no then? He keeps saying that he has no choice to either do the 14 days at a time or nothing as his partner is officially shielding again.

Your not being Unreasonable he can pop over and take her for a walk outside minimise the risk and still see her if he wants

@Theunamedcat During the April lockdown after about a month of not seeing DD8 he came over a few times to take her on a walk and she was a blubbering mess after each time he left.

My ex dumped his kids last time new girlfriend this time so im seeing what he does while he is still trying to impress her with what a great dad he is

I don’t understand his logic. Why 14 days? How does that minimise risk of transmission to his partner if all DD is doing is going between the two households?

@HorridHamble Logic isn't his strong point but from what he's said I think he means that the less DD8 has to go between houses, the less the risk, and that if she was to come here and be ill then she'd no longer be contagious by the time she was due to go back to him? Something like that I think!

well his logic for doing it doesn't hold up but for what its worth that's what my ex and I did last lockdown and I'm hoping we will this time too. He lives a distance away so its normally EOW only, but not being school in means they can stay longer. Could you compromise on 1 week on / off?

@HugeAckmansWife DD doesn't ever spend longer than 3 days away from me so I'm not sure whether she'd cope with a week with me, then Dad, then me etc.

Well mine didn't either until they did. We facetime, I read a story over it if they want me too but really I think it builds up a better relationship than they otherwise would have with their dad (not that he deserves it.. He buggered off with OW).

But if she was ill (Covid symptoms) then she's not supposed to move house anyway!

He is right that less frequent moving back and forth reduces the risk a bit.

Do you think he actually wants her there at all?

And how would she feel if she didn't see him at all?

Nope yanbu!! I get it that he’s thinking about what the absolute safest thing for his partner. I would suggest a weekend every two weeks rather than a full week. Compromise 🤷🏻‍♀️