Becoming an unexpected parent

[JohnnyC]

I'm not entirely sure why I am posting, but I could really do with some help.

I very recently became a father to a 5-year old boy. I lost contact with the mother very soon after meeting and had no idea she was pregnant and gave birth.

Now out of the blue, the boy has come to live with me as the mother can no longer care for him, and there isn't any other support.

Bit of a surprise. I'm 30 and have zero experience with children. And it is confusing, but hey, I'm sure I can do it (besides I have no choice).

I have an excellent friend who has been fantastic in supporting me, and my mum has also been great.

I am just making it up as I go along, reading bits online and just trying to work out who he is.

I know this is unusual, to say the least, and it is a vast topic, but hey, I figure I have zero to lose by asking.

So if anyone has anything, they think would be useful please hit me. I will take absolutely anything.

Thank you in advance for any kind words or help.

Always keep in store 3 days worth of paracetamol, ibuprofen and antihistamines for both you and your child. Keep a couple of jars of pasta sauce for those days you're just too tired cba to cook. Also some uht or powdered milk and coffee sachets that dont require milk just in case.

Take things slow. Don't expect too much from both of you while you are adjusting. Work out where your nearest play park is. Zoo memberships or a membership to your nearest national forestry site may be a worthwhile investment.

Honestly my advice would be take your time..

He could of been told anything or nothing about your absence.. if told nothing made up his own narrative.

Finding the balance is the tricky thing.. if you let him do anything it will be harder to instill boundaries however he is probably very vunerable depending on what happened with mum. He needs to get to know you.

With emotions sometimes bedtimes, or in the car chatting is a good time to talk.

Overtired children don't sleep well.

Routines are fabulous it will help him feel nore secure.

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Get a thermometer, calpol, brophen in stock.

Fresh air and exercise, are vital.. 5 year olds have a lot of energy.

Also take care of yourself. You have a huge shock, you will make mistakes - we all do, learn from them rather than beat yourself up.

Last thing - if you get chance coming into lockdown with a small child 🙄. Just look back at your day what went well and what didn't, some things just take time ..

If it helps at all, we're all just making it up as we go along! Best of luck. It sounds as though you're doing a great job.

Read to him. It's excellent for bonding and development. A child seldom forgets a parent who read to them. My Father read LOTR to me over 20 years ago and I read to mine every other night. It opens up discussions about allsorts and is a cheap and easy activity.

Agree with the reading every day, I love this downtime with my son at the end of the day. It spills in to chats where I find out the most about him.

Don't try to force anything, whether food, toys, activities etc. He might reject stuff immediately but go back to it in his own time.

Create a chill out space thats just his. My son piles cushions and blankets into a cubby between his bed and wall he likes.

My son is 5 too and they are so switched on at this age. Let him know its ok to chat or not, listen to him and validate him even for tiny things like choosing apple or orange juice in the morning.

But yes, we are all winging it. What a challenge you've faced, and what a shock for both of you. Good luck!

Thank you all so much for your advice. It is very much appreciated, and useful. Thanks again.

Just take each day as it comes. As with a newborn it’ll take a while to adjust. As long as your son knows he is welcomed and cared for everything will fall into place. You need to get to know each other. 5 years old is not an especially easy age but it’s not the hardest. Poor thing probably feels confused though so lots of patience will be needed. Are you being supported by social services? If so, your social worker will be able to help you a lot. If you aren’t being supported don’t be scared to reach out. They’re not all bad and 100% want to see your son happy with his dad, rather than anywhere else.

Are you on the birth certificate? If not you need to be ASAP for legal reasons.

Are you 100% sure you are the father? I only ask as for the boys sake it would be awful if there was any more unexpected changes.

Have you stayed in contact with the mum or the mums family? I would encourage the boy to talk about his mum and maybe write down some memories of her or collect some things (photos or other mementos) to put in a memory box which he can look at whenever he wants to.

Expect some acting out, he is likely to be feeling confused, angry, vulnerable, sad etc and this is entirely normal in the circumstances.

It could be a good idea to check out the Adoption section and read any books they recommend, as what your little boy is going through is a bit similar, he might go through similar troubles and the solutions will be similar