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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Mental health issues and child services

15 replies

Someone1987 · 31/12/2020 21:00

Hi all, I have a just turned 1yr old and suffered from PND after birth. This ended up involving a year of mental health support by medication and therapy (I had trauma from my childhood that I'd never spoken about and that added to my poor mental health, but I've opened up finally).
The care I'd been getting has been great, but today I feel betrayed.
During a chat with my care - co, she said that if I was a single parent (and she is aware that is where I am heading but didn't think to mention this before, in fact I felt supported by her with this) she would contact child services. She is normally chilled and good to talk to, quite flexible etc, but she was stern and said I'd contact them. I am shocked and upset that as a single mother with mental health issues, they would treat someone like that. Given my big concern was being a good mum etc and being told how well I was doing, this was hard to hear and seemed a u - turn on the progress I've apparently made.

The call ended on a bad note.
Do I just stop answering the phone to her? I assumed MH support was optional. No one cared about my MH when I was childless, or my safety as a child but that's another story and now I'm the one being punished.
I am worried it is because I confessed to a near attempt on my life over Christmas, but I didn't do it?
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Thank you.

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BillyIsMyBunny · 01/01/2021 14:37

I’m sorry and can understand why that sounded shocking as I think many people assume a referral to child services means they’re looking to say you’re a bad parent or remove the children, but that honestly isn’t the case. Your care co. will likely have a duty to refer to child services when certain criteria are met or circumstances change but it doesn’t mean she thinks your parenting is bad. She will likely have to make the referral objectively based on a ticklist of criteria and not subjectively based on how well she can see you are doing. The referral will be to inform child services of your situation, to assess risk and to see if you need any support; there’s every chance that after a home visit they will see how well you’re doing, decide the risk is low and say that you don’t need any input. Even if they do decide you need some involvement the focus will be on supporting you in parenting DD and managing your MH and not on judging the situation or trying to remove her.

Please don’t stop answering calls, if child services are involved then the fact you are actively seeking and engaging in the support available will be a huge tick in your favour as it shows you are doing everything you can to help yourself and be the best Mum to your DD. I do understand it must feel very scary but it sounds like you have made huge progress so the best thing you can do is be co-operative and continue to engage with the support offered and trust that all of the professionals are just working towards the same goal as you; to help you feel better and be the best mum to your DD as you can be (which it sounds like you are doing already).

Lemonpiano · 01/01/2021 14:41

If you stop answering calls that's a good way to cause concern. Don't do that.

Talk to her about it. Tell her what you've said here.

She may have no idea you interpreted it how you have or that you now feel this way.

I doubt it's a comment on your parenting, more about a) ensuring you have adequate support and b) following protocols.

Keep talking to them. MH professionals are human, they can make mistakes and say things that inadvertently cause upset, and the way to move past that is by talking it through.

Original poster

Someone1987 · 01/01/2021 16:44

@BillyIsMyBunny and @Lemonpiano thank you both so much for answering, your replies mean so much. And thank you for the kindness.

Thank you for the reassurance. I think she knows how I feel. When she said it, I instantly felt threatened and asked whether it was to take my child away. She said no that's not all they do, but I feel as though they do not think I would cope on my own. After I told her of my Christmas Eve near attempt, I said to her I thought she'd be proud that I didn't do it, but she seemed unimpressed, when she is normally chilled and we have a good rapport in past similar scenarios. I told her I felt betrayed as she messaged my OH to tell him about it. There is nothing anyone else can do to assist me, unfortunately I have these MH issues and an upsetting past, and they aren't going anywhere and neither will my mum come back to life. I am engaging with all the support available. However, I was under the impression it was optional and anyone can discharge themselves from mental health services as they wish. Does anyone know if that's the case, as I've been under the perinatal team and I'm due to be moved to the adult team, but I am at the point I don't want any more involvement and if I stay with my OH then they will be happy.
I feel like I've trusted someone, opened up to them and now I feel betrayed. I must hear what you say and not take it as they want to take my child away. It's hard not to instantly rush to that thought.
Thank you both so much. I kept checking for replies and when I saw yours it was so appreciated. 💐

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jayde28 · 01/01/2021 16:53

Hi,

I'm a single parent with mental health issues and because of this was referred to child social services at one point. This completely devastated me as I thought they would take her away etc
The my explained I had been referred because if I had harmed myself in anyway and it's only me and her in the home obv she could be left Uncared for with a body in the house. They spoke to her father, my mum and her nursery and the mental health team I was involved with who all advised they have no issues with me and all find me engaging. They decided in fact that she was my "protective factor" which meant she was my main reason for trying to get help etc. They cleared us completely for everything within 24 hours but did put me in contact with a separate family worker from a different organisation who helped me to access some extra support. This was optional and something that really helped my mental health recover.
It was a scary process but it helped long term so please don't think they are there to try to take the child away. Please don't disengage as this will only look worse on you.

Emelene · 01/01/2021 16:57

I know it sounds scary, but they are right as it is about protecting your child. There is the possibility of providing support for you, or for your child if they need it. Some children end up as young carers to parents with mental health problems so it's important they get support too. You may not need any involvement from social services after they've done an assessment.

I'm sure it's hard but it's not a personal negative reflection on you, getting help is exactly the right thing to do. All the best in your recovery.

thethoughtfox · 01/01/2021 17:10

You said no one cared for your safety when you were a child. I'm so sorry for whatever you went through. These people care what happens to your child and you. Let them help and if you don't need it, show them that.

Original poster

Someone1987 · 01/01/2021 17:21

@jayde28 thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate to that part, as she said if had of done something to myself it could put my child at harm if I was alone. As it was that evening I wasn't alone and my baby was in the cot. I feel as though I can't now leave my OP though. They obviously think he does everything and I'll crumble without him. Also, because I have little family and no one that is involved heavily in my life, I fear that would go against me. I'm glad it worked out well for you and you got some extra support. I really appreciate your reply, thank you x

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Original poster

Someone1987 · 01/01/2021 17:23

@Emelene thank you so much. I can understand that and it has been a worry that it will affect my son and I wouldn't want him to 'parent' me, so it does make sense he is supported. I guess I just hoped I'd be magically better and my son would never know of my issues. Thank you 💐

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Original poster

Someone1987 · 01/01/2021 17:27

@thethoughtfox I said that to my care co and she empathised I think. I've been diagnosed with cptsd due to traumas that I didn't think we're that bad, but they have really affected me, especially when my mum died and we were forgotten by family and left to it. It has made me really strong but I realised when I had my son I was unsure how to parent as couldn't compare to anything I'd want my son to experience and had no one to ask. Thank you for your message x

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rhowton · 01/01/2021 17:30

If you were a single parent, it would mean that if you had those feelings in which you want to do something serious and went through with it, you would leave the child alone. Wouldn't you rather have social services involved? Wouldn't you rather lots of different people all knew what was going on. It's to protect you, and to protect your child. My heart is with you, as I really struggled with my mental health through both of my maternity leaves. 💕💕

GlowingOrb · 01/01/2021 17:33

The system failed you when you were a child. (It failed me too) The system is trying to protect your child now. The system has gotten better. Focus on that.

You need to keep engaging with therapy and if child services does come to your door you need to work with them. The only thing that will really scare them at this point is if you break things off and refuse to communicate.

Original poster

Someone1987 · 01/01/2021 17:41

@rhowton thank you for your kindness and empathy 💐.
I can understand that but I do feel like no one would truly care, it's a paid job and I don't trust people easily.
I'm sorry you've struggled too. Hope things are a brighter for you now 💓💓

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Original poster

Someone1987 · 01/01/2021 17:45

@GlowingOrb I'm sorry the system failed you too. It is hard to trust in such people when they were nowhere to be seen for us.
I am really trying hard not to just stop answering the calls and refuse any mental health support. Unfortunately I'm one of those annoying people that if I deem someone to have betrayed my trust I just cut them off. Going to be stressing all weekend now. Thank you for your commentx

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MattBerrysHair · 01/01/2021 18:14

Hi op, I've been where you are and I can say 100% that your care coordinator is looking out for you and your dc, not betraying you. Being at the point where you nearly took your own life on xmas eve is really serious. Your care coordinator is trying to keep you safe and getting social services involved if you were to split from your DC's dad is no bad thing. I took attempted suicide 18 months ago when my DC were at their dad's and social services were called in case I was a risk to myself whilst the DC were in my care. They didn't feel the need to pursue it as I had a really good support system in place with my exh and his dw, my family etc, but I did get a key worker from prevention services who worked with us for a year while I got back on my feet. She was bloody fantastic and working with her helped me recognise my parenting strengths and we formulated strategies to help with my weaknesses. Take all the support you are offered and work with them to ensure your recovery and DC's safety.

Original poster

Someone1987 · 01/01/2021 20:18

@MattBerrysHair thank you for your comment and encouraging words. I'm sorry you've also been where I am, I hope things are brighter for you now..I'm glad you received help that was beneficial.
I have got to not see it as a betrayal, but her whole demeanour changed and I know nothing will be the same with her, but that's my issue.
It's strange as I didn't think it was serious when I said it to her, those thoughts have been normalised for me now. She said if my son had found what I was going to take he'd be at risk, but I told her he was in his cot so I think she hasn't referred it to them as I have a Oh at the moment.
But if I didn't I worry a bit because I don't have a support network and I don't want that against me. I feel as though I'm almost trapped in my relationship as if I was to be single there would be all this involvement. But if I stay with him, nothing I think. Ahh my thoughts are running away with me. Thank you for your reassurance x

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