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Lone parents

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Original poster

Is this a totally crazy suggestion?

19 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 31/12/2020 13:57

I posted the other day about my ex never having the children over night, he’s never done this once since we split. It means I never get a night off and I’m absolutely exhausted looking after 4 kids never getting a single break. He won’t take them we’ve been over it a million times that won’t change. Would it be totally crazy to suggest that he has the kids here at my house say one night a month and I go somewhere else? (Probably my mums) does anyone else have this set up where the ex has the kids at their house? He won’t even take them anywhere he only comes down here takes them to the park then goes home. Which is why I’m thinking of suggesting he has them over night here

OP posts:
GreenLeafTurnip · 31/12/2020 14:07

If you're happy to have your ex in your house it doesn't sound unreasonable but I'd place money on him saying no.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 31/12/2020 14:12

Not really but it seems like the only option. Just going to hide any of my stuff (he use to go through my things when we were together) he’s actually tried to drop hints about saying over but not with me somewhere but my kids have asked him to take them to school and he said he could only do that if he stayed over, that kind of thing.

OP posts:
AvoidingRealHumans · 31/12/2020 14:45

If he's been through your things before then no I wouldn't have him to stay over. I wouldn't relax I'd constantly be worried he was violating my space at my home.

I also wouldn't bend over backwards to facilitate the waste of space being a dad.
I would rather have my mum watch my kids and go to a hotel for peace or something similar.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 31/12/2020 14:49

My mum won’t have 4 children. No one will. My mum will have 1 or 2 max.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 31/12/2020 14:49

So it’s never really a break.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 31/12/2020 14:57

You have posted a lot about contact.

He is not your solution to getting a break. I think you have to accept that.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 31/12/2020 15:01

Fair enough but I don’t know how else to get a break, I’m struggling alone with 4.

OP posts:
Songbird232018 · 31/12/2020 15:49

It's hard because you do deserve a break at times and he should have a choice to help you with care! Do you get full too whack CSA Because your ex doesn't ever have the kids overnight?

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 31/12/2020 15:56

Thank you for understanding, obviously I’m desperate otherwise I wouldn’t be posting so much he pays £7 per week.

OP posts:
Songbird232018 · 31/12/2020 16:01

That's awful.... does he have his own home or is there a reason he can't do overnights? Does he have any family his side that are close to the kids that could help or at least push him! X

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 31/12/2020 16:13

I do this with my ex sometimes as he works abroad and when he visits he books a hotel. A couple of times I’ve pointed out that actually, if he wants to spend some proper time with his DCs, it makes more sense for him to stay at my house and for me to get the hotel room for a night.

Otherwise it ends up with him popping in around dinner time, the DC asking if he can stay for dinner - “ooh is there spare, go on then” and I’m essentially not getting a break but also feeding him and having to sit around with them all while they catch up.

It’s usually only a Holiday Inn or something as he’s a bit tight, but I quite enjoy my little mini breaks 10 mins down the road Grin

However, I don’t have any worries about him going through my stuff or overstepping boundaries except for going through my cupboards and fridge pointing out all the out of date items In your shoes I’m not sure it’s the answer, and whether he might have suggested it because he’s trying to wheedle his way back in, but then, I don’t know what else you can do. All I can say is that it must be hard for you to never have a night off. Flowers

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 31/12/2020 16:18

He’s definitely not wanting to be with me so I’m not worried about that part really. He wouldn’t pay for a hotel I would have to pay myself but that’s fine if it means I get a break. He has his own 3 bed house but he would rather rent out all the rooms to lodgers so the kids can’t go there or stay over. Meaning he never actually takes them there either he only comes down here to see them and take them to the park and back. He’s snooped through my stuff when we were together but I will just hide any Private letters etc I don’t want him reading.
Sadly both his parents passed away before I met him so I’ve never had help from his family.

OP posts:
Songbird232018 · 31/12/2020 17:19

I think you either have two options really, accept the one or two nights a month at your house and you go elsewhere which is less than ideal or you put your foot down and stop trying to accommodate him with the odd hour at the park and tell him to come back to you for contact with the kids when he's got a arrangement in place that includes suitable overnights x

CandyLeBonBon · 31/12/2020 17:28

How the fuck is this useless article getting away with paying £7 a week for four kids when he's got a 3 bed house and income from lodgers?

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 31/12/2020 17:32

Yep and apparently it’s all allowed even if he is claiming benefits Shock it’s a HA house as well not even his own, I can’t believe it’s allowed but apparently so. www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/renting-a-home/subletting-and-lodging/lodging/taking-in-a-lodger-what-you-need-to-think-about-first/

Thank you Songbird232018 I’ve considered stopping contact so many times unless he can actually step up. A trip to the park once a fortnight (month more accurately) doesn’t benefit anyone. He lasts around an hour before he brings them back then orders them food and goes home Sad

OP posts:
stayathomenightmare · 31/12/2020 17:34

I knew someone who had this arrangement with their ex. It worked well as the children didn't like his shared house and didn't feel safe there.
I think it's worth a try and you will feel better and be a happier parent if you get a break now and again. Hope it works out for you.

carly2803 · 31/12/2020 19:57

i think id also refuse any contact until he agrees to take ALL the kids to his house overnight,

if he was a good dad and did more with them, i would also be inclimed too offer to let him stay over, you go out etc. But you are making it too easy for him until hes proved himself

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 31/12/2020 20:01

He’s won’t ever take them though, he’s not going to get rid of the lodgers that’s his income, he lives in central London so the rooms go for quite a bit.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 01/01/2021 15:16

@Givemeabreak88

Yep and apparently it’s all allowed even if he is claiming benefits Shock it’s a HA house as well not even his own, I can’t believe it’s allowed but apparently so. www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/renting-a-home/subletting-and-lodging/lodging/taking-in-a-lodger-what-you-need-to-think-about-first/

Thank you Songbird232018 I’ve considered stopping contact so many times unless he can actually step up. A trip to the park once a fortnight (month more accurately) doesn’t benefit anyone. He lasts around an hour before he brings them back then orders them food and goes home Sad

Well that's a loophole and a half, isn't it?
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