How do I handle this?

[WingingItAtLife]

Recently separated, ex being awkward about seeing kids. Originally he was having then 2-3 evenings after school and an overnight on Friday. It was working well for us, so I thought. He then started saying it wasn't enough ... Or that the kids should decide where they wanna be each weekend (they're 7 and 4). I objected as I felt they are too young to basically be told to choose mum or dad.
His next thing was he wanted every single weekend. I said no - I need some time with them on non school days too. I offered every other weekend, and one or two evenings a week and an overnight stay every Friday. He said no.

Next thing, a week before Christmas he turns up with them and says it's not working - it's too difficult emotionally for them all - him and kids. It's not fair on them. They're upset all the time. I said they're not, they enjoy the time with him and ask when they're seeing him next.
He told me not to contact him.

He contacts on Christmas Eve to have the kids a few hours, all went okay. Nothing since. No messages no anything.

My problem is he used to pick them up from school a few times a week. So I really need to know if he's going to continue that in new year or if I need to ask childminder to have them more.

Any suggestions/tips on how to best handle this situation? X X X

Oh god, what a twat he is.

If you need a childminder because of this, he should be the one to pay for it.

What do you think is behind this?

Honestly, I don't know.
Our relationship wasnt great, and looking back there's been abusive behaviour for a while. I've forgiven for an awful lot of things and I think he truly thought I would never leave.
Now I have, part of me thinks this is the way he's trying to assert his control.
The other part of me believes when he says he's struggling to handle me leaving and is too upset.
Another part of me thinks he's just being a lazy sod x

Has he met someone? That’s my first thought, from bitter experience.

Secondly- I would sort your childcare now if you can, so you don’t come unstuck in the new year but he needs to increase maintenance to cover it.

I don't get maintenance.... It's only been 6 weeks and our finances are still mingled to an extent.... He's living in our house and paying mortgage. I'm at my parents looking for a rental. I need to approach selling the house too x

@WingingItAtLife

Right this makes it different.
Basically he’s realising that it’s Hard Work and the Disney Dad honeymoon is over.

Expect him to withdraw further I would say. Prepare the kids gently- don’t ever talk him down to them, don’t tell them he’s unreliable etc- but just don’t build their expectations about when/how often they’ll see him.

Honestly, have been here. It’s shit. I’m sorry.

OP I think you need to make plans to cover all necessary childcare yourself for now as he is possibly trying to sabotage your working. I would also see a solicitor ASAP to get the ball rolling on finances on divorce to take back some control. Have you claimed any benefits due to you?
Good luck

I have tried very hard to make sure the kids dont hear any negatives about him. When dd7 said she didn't wanna go to see him,I gently reminded her that she enjoyed the time before and if she was upset she could talk to daddy and he'd get in touch with me.
When ds4 said he missed daddy, I explained that missing someone is okay because it means we love them and we'll be happy next time we see them.

I just need the practicalities sorted. If I go ahead and book childminder, he'll say I steamrolled through it without consulting him? Despite him telling me not to message him 🙄 I honestly don't know how I did 14 years with this man

I had my first UC payment last week.
I don't know how I'd afford a solicitor.... I have equity in the house but no savings x

Take his control away. Organise childcare. Yes there will be a cost but you will get support from universal credits to cover some of the costs. If he wants to pick up the children then he needs to let the child minder know.
Let him know the children are available eow. And he needs to let you know the time he is picking up by Thursday pm. If you haven't heard from him you will assume he isn't coming and get on with your own thing. He does not get to dictate the arrangements. Otherwise you will never be able to make your own plans. Children need routine and easily adapted to a good routine. Leave him to wallow. My ex did not like me being so ridged but after a few times of messing me about and missing his weekend. He quickly got the idea I wasn't going to be shifted on this.

Money through cms. This can not be back dated. So make the call tomorrow. Then you don't have to have that conversation any further. It is being dealt with through the right authorities.

Seek legal advice. Some will offer first hour free. And will only bill you once the house etc has been sold etc.

Don't dance to his tune. If the children ask. Just say you don't know. Get on with being independent from him. It is a difficult situation to get use to. But once you use to it life is much easier.

If he’s the type to opt out of parenting his children because it’s too difficult. I doubt he’ll be the type to pay extra to cover the costs of childcare on the days he’s meant to take care of his children! And I certainly wouldn’t count on it and if he does then it’s a bonus.

I agree with Unicorn. Get some initial legal advice. It is fairly easy to self rep to cut down on costs. Applications are very straight forward and can be done online. But first things first, get yourself a rental and get the dc settled into some sort of routine.

Hi, OP. Sorry your ex is being a dick. I'd say you need to see a solicitor. Despite what many on MN claim, many DO offer free 30 minute consultations - it will state on their website if they do so you can find one that way. I did a few of these when I got divorced and was looking for a solicitor and I remember the first one made me feel so much better informed about the whole thing and what someone with legal knowledge thought my options and possible outcomes were. As for fees once you have instructed one, I'm not sure but I think with some solicitors you can pay at the end, especially in cases like this where you have equity but can't access it now.

Not sure why you moved out of the house when you were always going to be the one with the dc more but if there is equity then you are entitled to a share of it, even if the house has to be sold for you to access it.

As for the immediate problem with childcare in the new year, I would definitely sort the childminder and start the ball rolling with a CM claim. I'd probably email him once to let him know as it may make you feel better to know he knows. I'd start using email rather than texts as it's less immediate and intrusive - you can decide when and whether to check for his replies rather than them just appearing on your phone. Also, it's time to stop worrying about his reactions to things and what he has told you to do/not to do. I know this is easier said than done, but your responsibility is to you and the dc and if he doesn't like how things go, tough.

Good luck - even though it's such a difficult process you will feel better when you take control and can look to a better future without his shit.

I don't think he'll pay towards childcare either. It's always been me sorting it out.

I think I may message him along the lines of....
'DS4 nursery times are changing and I need to arrange for picks ups from school for him and DD7. Childminder will need notice of these changes before New Year, if you are able and want to do school pick ups I need to know within the next 48 hours so I have time to arrange with childminder. Let me know'

Me and the kids moved out because he wouldn't. We had a volatile relationship at times and I didn't feel comfortable living alongside him. He was giving me silent treatment with bursts of sarcasm/accusations for a week before I moved out. It wasn't a good environment for the kids X X