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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Final straw trying to co-parent

13 replies

singlemum43 · 27/12/2020 21:01

I apologise in advance for the long thread.... I have been a single parent for 5 years to two children they are now 11 and 8, my ex husband met someone at work and within weeks moved 40 miles away from his children and saw them every other weekend. He has never asked for more access it has always been a battle asking his to do extra child care through the holidays so I can work, he has made my life very difficult and leaves all the parenting to me. He has not attended one parents evening, school production, dance lesson or football match he is a very selfish individual. He has had two more children they are now 2 and 8 months old so he does have his hands full there! About 12 months ago my son who is now 11 stopped the over nights he used to get incredible anxiety and I used to get phone calls late at night saying he can sleep, crying it was awful, I told him to ask his dad to settle him but he used to just get angry. Accused me of smothering my son and told me he was spoilt. This was my only break but the worry of the unsettled nights I just let my son stay with me on his dads weekend and he just gets to see him on a Sunday and every other Wednesday for tea, I have offered every week but of course its never convenient! My son is of that age where he can make his own mind up and I can't force him, always worried that I should have forced him because it has affected their relationship :(

My partner is an amazing support (we don't live together) he has his own son which he looks after more or less 50/50 has no issues co-parenting with his ex they do a great job, I would do anything to have it that easy. However he gets so annoyed that my sons dad is not stepping up to the mark and working with him to help settle him so he can stay over. My son did say he would try this NYE as he wants to start back with over nights and thought a relaxed night might be a good opportunity to try, but his dad has refused to let him stay. Saying my son is spoilt and he can't pick and chose when he wants to stay!! I am so angry you would think a dad would want him to stay, my son lost it and said my dad doesn't want me all he cares about is his new family , this upset my daughter who has been staying and she has poured her heart out that she can't settle there either she has confessed she is left to look after her younger brother when she is there (she doesn't have her own room there). I feel awful utterly dreadful that she has been so unsettled there. I have texted their father and said he is not having our daughter over night and he can see them both every other Sunday, I never felt comfortable with one going and not the other but my daughter kept saying it was okay and wanted to go... i think she was trying to keep her dad happy. I selfishly do not know how I am going to cope not getting an over night break and think it may cost me my relationship but my kids are my world. Is there any tips for single parenting with no break, am I doing the right thing stopping my daughter from going? I am honestly feeling so low, he makes co-parenting so difficult. Thanks in advance for reading.

OP posts:

unicornsarereal72 · 28/12/2020 13:11

You can't influence the other parent. As much as you want them to do the right thing by your children. My eldest stopped sleeping over at that age and dad just got threatening about his rights. Unsurprisingly this back fired and eldest is non contact. Youngest still goes but no over nights. And only for a few hours here and there.

Keep talking to the children. Let them know their feelings are ok. In my situation they have every right to be angry at dad he has let them down. But he is their dad and they still love him. Etc. I continue to give my eldest the opportunity to see his dad over Christmas etc said I would drop him for an hour etc. He knows the option is there

Single parenting and lock down has taught me that I don't need to entertain the children all the time. We now have a very relaxed routine at weekends etc. So that I get the rest I need. Go to bed early. And teach the children to do their morning routine at weekends. I haven't had the opportunity to have a relationship because I don't get any free evenings. I could get baby sitters etc but my funds are limited due to being the sole parent supporting the children. I pacify this by embracing this time with the children. Who are soon teenagers. And know soon they won't need me so much etc.

I get my social life through family and friends. And I know I'm fortunate to have the situation I do.

smeerf · 28/12/2020 13:22

Would the children's grandparents let the kids to sleep over every now and again to give you a break?

trevthecat · 28/12/2020 13:43

They are 11 and 8. They are at the easiest of ages! I don't see what is so hard. My eldest are the same age and I have them full time. Yes I have a partner but he works long hours and we have a 3 year old. If it costs you your relationship he isn't worth it.

ParrotK · 28/12/2020 13:53

I have a 10 year old who have full time and she is mostly in her bedroom on phone to her friends doing her hair I hardly see her only thing is I can't actually go out to socialise and meet people so I have been single for a very long time. So I get it. When my youngest who is 3 goes to her dad's every fortnight I still have my oldest so I cant really go out on dates or anything to meet someone new.

But it's nice to get a break from my 3 years old who is difficult tbh.

Isadora2007 · 28/12/2020 14:01

Lots of couples manage to have a life and a relationship without child free time. Your partner needs to accept you’re a fulltime single mum so if he can’t cope with the kids around all the time tough shit for him. Being a part time parent shouldn’t ever be the ideal tbh- he’s only one to his child because this relationship broke down.

HugeAckmansWife · 28/12/2020 19:38

I get it op.. Not sure why some are being so uppity.. Mine are a similar age and still cety much dominate the house. I don't let them have screens in their room so the main TV is used for gaming a lot. I don't mind being around them at all but I do love me child free time and it us mostly then that I see my partner. He's met them and done stuff with DS occasionally but he and I are a separate thing. Not everyone wants a blended family. If I had literally no child free time I doubt I would have a relationship either until they are old enough to be left for good stretches of time. OP it's really hard but ultimately, you support your kids in their choices, whatever that may be.

Original poster

singlemum43 · 28/12/2020 22:34

Thanks for your reply, good to hear some people get it... It's hard when kids take over the house. Of course we love our kids but when you do all the parenting it sometimes gets a bit over whelming!

OP posts:

Original poster

singlemum43 · 28/12/2020 22:40

@smeerf

Would the children's grandparents let the kids to sleep over every now and again to give you a break?

Sadly my mum passed away 9 years ago :( my dad is a big support but with Covid we are only doing social distance visits outside.

OP posts:

Original poster

singlemum43 · 28/12/2020 22:46

@unicornsarereal72

I get my social life through family and friends. And I know I'm fortunate to have the situation I do.

Thank you for your reply, I take on board what you say, I can't influence but its so frustrating when I have flown solo for such a long time and access is so difficult to arrange! But I do need to accept it's his choice and like you say its best to keep giving them the opportunity. Your kids sound like they have a great mum thanks again for the positive advice.

OP posts:

JulesC1983 · 29/12/2020 07:03

Hiya,
Firstly let me say I really feel your pain here and you are absolutely right to feel slightly aggrieved at having the rare you-time stripped away because your ex-husband cannot or will not help to settle your children / make them feel calmer / more welcome.

I don’t have any advice to offer, but what I can offer is a reassurance that you are not alone facing a situation like this.

My ex-husband and I have been separated for two years, we have two daughters age 6 and 9. Six months ago the older one refused to return to visit her father anymore. It transpires he told her inappropriate details of our spilt (involving his addiction to dating sites).
This totally floored me and took me mo this to get my head around being a single parent 24/7.
Unfortunately he is now taking me to court for a child arrangements order. Basically he is trying to force our daughter into visiting him.
What started out as me willing her to go and cursing the loss of my weekends has changed totally on its head five months later.
She is now a confident happy funny little girl, and not the angry shell of a child she was when she used to travel between households.
I don’t know what the outcome of the Cafcas report will be but I know I shall be a guard of honour next to my daughter.
It has meant I miss out on seeing friends, and just being about to do the food shop alone! BUT our relationship is so much stronger, and when we have been able to this year my parents have had her to stay.
In the back of my mind I know this will resume once the blessed vaccine is back.

Perhaps you could look at organising a babysitting swap with a friend of your sons on a regular basis? This would at least allow you some date nights and head space.

Hang in there - you are doing a brilliant job in such an impossible situation this year.

Your children will never forget that you were the parent who was there for them come what may.

Sending love xxx

Original poster

singlemum43 · 02/01/2021 22:29

@JulesC1983

Hiya, Firstly let me say I really feel your pain here and you are absolutely right to feel slightly aggrieved at having the rare you-time stripped away because your ex-husband cannot or will not help to settle your children / make them feel calmer / more welcome.

I don’t have any advice to offer, but what I can offer is a reassurance that you are not alone facing a situation like this.

Perhaps you could look at organising a babysitting swap with a friend of your sons on a regular basis? This would at least allow you some date nights and head space.

Hang in there - you are doing a brilliant job in such an impossible situation this year.

Your children will never forget that you were the parent who was there for them come what may.

Sending love xxx

Thank you so much for your empathetic reply JulesC1983 and I’m sorry to hear about your difficult co-parenting situation... what’s wrong with these men, why can’t they just put the children first! I hope everything works out okay and hopefully with Cafcas involved they will make sure your daughters best interests are priority.

I have had a dreadful few days and now my ex husband has reduced his access to just two hours every other Sunday and he texted the children to tell them... It’s cruel, I can’t believe he can treat them like this... but I’m staying strong and reassuring them they are loved.
You stay strong too and good luck. Xx

OP posts:

HPmummy19 · 02/01/2021 22:44

Your exP sounds like a total selfish tool. I feel really sad for your children that he has clearly neglected them and pushed them away. These men don't deserve the title of father. Sorry you've had to deal with that.
My exP disowned his son whilst I was pregnant and has never bothered with him, he is 18 months old now. I adore having him all to myself but it does make me sad that one day he will feel the pain of being rejected by his dad. It crosses my mind from time to time how will it ever work for me when I meet someone (if I meet someone) being the sole full time parent, I feel like a lot of men won't want to stick around with a child in tow 24/7. But hey ho, my son is my world and will always come first so if I'm single forever so be it.
So I understand your thought process of worrying about your alone time to have with your partner.
Do you have any close friends or relatives who can look after your kids occasionally? I am lucky to have my mum who chews at the bit to have my LO, don't know what I'd do without her in all honesty.

Starlightstarbright1 · 04/01/2021 07:23

I have done it alone since my Ds was a baby. He is now 13.
My only saviour was Cubs / scouts etc.

I would say it’s only the past year I have found some freedom, started going to the gym doing my own thing.

Tbh I would be annoyed with partner. Sadly some ex’s are crap parents. You kind of have to accept that and support them through it.

I do also think you can ask for space in your own house. During first lockdown I had an hour a day I wasn’t to be disturbed except for emergencies. This was just my space as we were together 24/7

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