How to stop feeling jealous

[Givemeabreak88]

How do I stop feeling jealous? my children are with me 24/7, my ex never takes them, he hasn’t had them over night in the 4 years we’ve been separated not once has he had them. I do everything, he’s never even done a school run, he sees them for a few hours every couple of months when he can be bothered or isn’t doing anything else.

I’m on a single parents group on Facebook and their all saying how their kids have done off to the dads now until the new year and how happy they are to have some peace and quiet and a chance to clean, I just feel so jealous, of course I love my kids but that doesn’t mean I never want a break ever. My house is a bomb site, I find it hard to clean with 4 children under my feet, they fight constantly and I just feel like I’m on my feet all day rushing around after them. My ex acts like his few hours a month are a favour to ME. He’s not bothered with them at all, he called me bitter because I blocked him on WhatsApp because I don’t want to be friends with him and I don’t want him on my WhatsApp I told him I was bitter because I’ve been left with 100% of the responsibility and his response was just “I think that’s the case for most single mums so don’t get why you’re upset” not according to the fb group it isn’t, they all get to enjoy a weeks break now.

i bet that weeks break from the kids is all a happy front. Would you be really happy away from them for a week?

i wouldnt. not even a day.

but, if hes capable, why dossent he taken them for a few hours a few times a week?

@carly2803 that’s not helpful. She clearly does want a break and most parents don’t want to 24/7 without a break.

Do you know any other parents in similar situations?

I'm in the same situation so many people did so much over lockdown personally I survived i didnt learn a language or finish decorating my house barely mowed the lawn he never saw them at all because of covid now he sees them less than two hours a week because of covid our sons birthday? Was supposed to see him for an hour showed up late dropped him back early Christmas day same deal twat of the highest order but my sons were happy to see nanny Christmas day at least

I don’t think it is a front? Surely no one enjoys never getting a break? I’m really struggling never getting a minute to myself. My family don’t help out as I have 4 so no one will take all 4. They are all showing pics of spotless housing with them having a glass of wine! I can’t even go to the toilet in peace. It’s really affecting my mental health never having a break.

I don’t know anyone in the same situation everyone has an ex that takes the children, he won’t take them and I can’t force him, he won’t we’ve been over it a million time’s and he won’t; the most I get is he takes them to the park for an hour.

That’s not even weekly may I add, he said he wanted to do it fortnightly but he hasn’t stuck to it and last saw them 2 months ago, he refused to see them after a child in my sons class tested positive for Covid (not my son) but he hasn’t seen them since and is using that as the reason. I had them home for 4 weeks as 2 isolations back to back. No one can seriously tell me they would enjoy that? I find that unusual tbh, I was pulling my hair out! The other kids didn’t have to isolate but he wouldn’t have them as apparently “they could still have it” so I had to keep all children at home as had no one to do the school run, meanwhile he’s spent Xmas with his friends which I know for a fact (breaking tier 4 rules so obviously isn’t that concerned about catching it)

@carly2803 I don’t know how helpful that is. I’m in a completely different situation to @Givemeabreak88- live with my husband, kids live here too, always all lived together, but even from that vantage point I can see that never getting a break would fucking suck. And of course everyone here misses their kids when they’re not with them, that’s not under debate, I’m sure if @Givemeabreak88 was having her kids going off for a week now she would feel sad on some level, but the break would be very welcome and keep her sane.

@Givemeabreak88 I’m sorry you’re in this position. Are your exes parents around? Any chance they could help?

I’m in the same situation, how old are your kids?

... and no wonder you are feeling like you are feeling, it is exhausting not having a break at all, but I can assure you it will get better eventually.

I feel for you. I understand the frustration and sadly it’s crap but true that you can’t make him. 💐 I have a similar situation, ex 5 mins away but not seeing DD at all over Christmas. He has a complete inability to understand that looking after her isn’t just my job.

Somehow for your own sake you need to get past the frustration and get idiot ex out of your headspace. That’s taking up energy you need and stealing your positivity. You probably have already, but get proper financial support from him if he earns. Communicate with him as little as possible, make him irrelevant. He should be off all your social media, knowing what he is doing won’t help you.

Try and give yourself some kind of little treat, clean one thing, hug your kids. Small steps.

Oh, and leave that Facebook group if it does not help you and increases your frustration. There will be a group of people in your situation you can join instead.

They are 9 , 8, 6 and 3, so life is pretty hectic, my oldest 2 have asd so are hard work, I struggle to even take them all out; I knew someone would say they are all probably devastated to be away from their kids but I have single mum friends and they are definitely not devastated they are always going on about now they NEED a break. They use the time to date, see their partners, go clubbing, drink, (obviously not at the moment but generally) etc whilst I just feel like a robot, I have no life.

My exes parents have both passed away and did before I even met him, he has a sister but she’s never bothered with the children, she saw my youngest 2 when they were 1 and 2 and hasn’t seen them since.

Yes I deleted him off WhatsApp because I didn’t want to see his constant updates, he’s been seeing friends despite us tier 4 and he is not a single household, but doesn’t want to see the kids because someone in their class tested positive. I never asked him to see my son I said he could still take the others, they were stuck in the house for 4 weeks because I couldn’t leave my son alone because he had asd.

He said I’m bitter for deleting him off WhatsApp, he only sent some money for Xmas, he had no intentions of seeing him so I said he could keep the money.

Same situation. No co parenting at all or family. It is mentally exhausting.

Thinking of anything I do to stay sane:
Getting outside, some form of cardio and fresh air
I do a workout indoors, music and headphones, they can join in but I'm not stopping
10 or 20 minute break I inform them I'll be upstairs on my break and they shouldn't ask for anything in that time
Talk to any other adult you can, and the wider the topic the better, get your mind out of child zone. This one is hard if you're socially isolated but if you have anyone even on Zoom do it as much as possible
Watch comedy on YouTube and such, helps my mood
Don't eat crap, poor diet and alcohol make my mood worse
Read aloud to kids, can be a slight reprieve

[quote Leftrightatthelights]@carly2803 that’s not helpful. She clearly does want a break and most parents don’t want to 24/7 without a break.

Do you know any other parents in similar situations?[/quote]
if it helps. ima single mum and i spoke from my experience and view.

not as married,6 kids and a live in nanny or anything!!

i have kids, and single and locked down with them etc - its fucking relentless bedlam but i wouldnt change it. so i wasnt being an arse - it was genuine.

remove yourself from social media OP - what i meant is people post only a snapshot of what they want you to see!!

[quote Leftrightatthelights]@carly2803 that’s not helpful. She clearly does want a break and most parents don’t want to 24/7 without a break.

Do you know any other parents in similar situations?[/quote]
if it helps. ima single mum and i spoke from my experience and view.

not as married,6 kids and a live in nanny or anything!!

i have kids, and single and locked down with them etc - its fucking relentless bedlam but i wouldnt change it. so i wasnt being an arse - it was genuine.

remove yourself from social media OP - what i meant is people post only a snapshot of what they want you to see!!

Somehow for your own sake you need to get past the frustration and get idiot ex out of your headspace. That’s taking up energy you need and stealing your positivity. You probably have already, but get proper financial support from him if he earns. Communicate with him as little as possible, make him irrelevant. He should be off all your social media, knowing what he is doing won’t help you.

^^ That 100 times. It may take you years to get to this, but you need to get there.

It takes a lot of energy being often angry and frustrated by thinking about what is fair and unfair or waiting for them to do as they said or should. Once you accept you are on your own with the kids, you will feel more in control and things will become easier.

My advice is to put yourself first, which is a strange thing to say but you need to come first because you are the one keeping the boat afloat. You may not find the way to have time to recover in traditional ways but having the kids in a good routine that allows you to have some rest/sleep is essential for the survival of the whole family as your patience threshold is much lower when exhausted.

The way that I survived the early years was to ensure DS and I were in bed at 8 and then I would have from 4-7 am all to myself to read, do exercise, tidy the house without someone hanging from my hip.

You need to make a team with your kids, they need to help you out and they can from early on if they know what to do and when. This is not child labour or stealing their childhood, kids who are expected to help out and have responsibilities at home grow into more confident and independent individuals.

But most importantly, be kind to yourself, good enough is good enough.

Well you might enjoy never having to yourself carly2803 But that’s not the case for me and like I said I have single mum friends who are always waving their kids off to the dads at the weekend, they look forward to it. My sister sends her son to his dads whenever she’s had enough of him, I don’t get to send my kids to anyone when I’m desperate for a break, my daughters behaviour in the supermarket the other day was so bad I almost cried, sorry but I don’t enjoy never getting a break. My house is a tip and I find it hard to clean up around them and by the time they are in bed I’m too tired to do it. Trust me not everyone enjoys spending every minute of the day with their kids, my sister said she feels sorry for me and would “crack up” if she never got a break.

Okay... 9,8,6 &3..

There is light at the end of the tunnel believe me.

I’m not sure how severe the ASD is but I think you need to go into survival mode and do what works for you and the family at least while the schools re open. Going out in the fresh air doesn’t work for everyone especially in the middle of the winter, is there anything that can grab the attention of the older ones for a couple of hours to free your hands to do other shores, pay attention to the younger ones or at least find 10 minutes to recover? I remember locking myself in the bathroom for a few minutes while little hands were banging on the door, but honestly, it was better to let this happen than loosing my rag

They play on their iPads way more than they should but if my oldest doesn’t have it she screams constantly, smashes her room up, not looking forward to schools possibly closing!

Survival mode, let them have the time in the ipads, if that allows you some time for other thing. No guilt, it is not a permanent situation.

... by the way, I stressed so much about my son spending so much time in the iPad... now I know that in that time he learned a lot about history, politics, technology (honestly, whatever topic you bring up he can talk about it these days), he thought himself to play chess and after me complaining for years that he was practically raised by the Crazy Russian in YouTube... I realise now the bloody Crazy Russian made him LOVE science so much he is starting a degree on that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

KarmaNoMore
Thank you she has learned a lot thanks to the iPad it’s also helped her develop her speech as that’s something she has struggled with, she can speak but her communication is limited and she can’t hold a conversation, but it has brought it on a bit I’ve noticed. It’s been a life line really.

Sending big love to you x

I’m in a similar situation to you - albeit on a smaller scale. One of my two daughters refuses to see her father so I am a single parent 24/7.

The thing that saves me is having a really rigid bedtime for her.
It sounds silly perhaps but by 8pm she is upstairs in her room and then it’s my time. It really does help knowing I have the run of downstairs for the evening!! Wild times 😆.
It’s just a bit of head space.
At the weekends sometimes I ask if we can have some time upstairs / downstairs just for some headspace too.

I’m sure with four this is really difficult but perhaps creating something similar might help give you some much needed space. Even if it is just downstairs!
Xx