Anyone else feeling totally fed up?

[Shoegal0305]

As the title says? I can't shake this feeling of darkness off.

I am a lone parent to my now adult son, this year, along with everything the works threw at ya with Covid, I had a breast cancer scare (thankfully ok), mum had yet another mental breakdown, I lost a few dear friends, and my son suddenly left home. I work full time I'm frontline NHS and I thank my lucky stars I am still healthy and Covid free. My son is home for Christmas but we spent it apart due to my currently on a run of night shifts so he went to his dads.

I lost my dad in my early 20s and my
Mum has never been a caring maternal type. I have never had any help with anything, consequently I don't own my own home and have no savings. Bringing up my son on my own, not through choice, my ex left for another woman, has meant I worked part time most of my sons life earning not much money, and only one income. I have a lovely house I rent and I'm grateful bit I do wish I had the security of owning my own home. My mum came into some money in the midst of my financial troubles, I was getting help from food banks and ended up with an IVA. I never as much as saw a penny help and to this day me and my sister can't account for what happened to this money? It's only as my son has got older I've realised how much I (willingly) sacrifice for him and how little help I got from my own mum.

Christmas is always bittersweet. I lost my dad at Christmas and I'm guilty of falling prey to social media in the fact I believe some of the nonsense I see about perfect happy families. Most of the people I know are married/coupled up, two incomes, security, extended family etc. Seeing posts on social media about their perfect family Christmas really makes me feel shit. I know it's mostly just rubbish and I know deep down not to take much notice. However I spent Christmas Day thankfully with my single friend (she's my support bubble) and then went to work a night shift. Just feeling very alone. My son home from his dads later but he's off back to his new life soon.

I feel all I want is a family unit. I don't even want a partner, I'm actually happy on my own but what I'd give for a mother/father/extended family who o knew I could count on 100%. I feel my son is getting on with life and I have nothing left. Please forgive me wallowing in self pity I usually just get on with it but I think Christmas exacerbates everything I feel.......

That opening paragraph should read everything the WORLD threw at you 😂

Hi Shoegal.

Reading your post I couldn't help notice some similarities. It's been a tough year for everyone and for the first couple months of lockdown we didn't have the support bubble. There must still be a lot of people who don't have that option. Christmas does magnify things and feelings somewhat. I think it's good to talk about it though. Here if you need a chat.

@defendervank thank you for your reply. I do feel incredibly lucky in a lot of respects, I am (fairly!) healthy, my son is healthy, I have a secure job and a roof over my head. I just look around and foolishly maybe, all I see is people who have it easier/better. I long for a family unit, I don't want to be in a relationship like I said but I wish I had the 'blood' family support. I have my mum, sister and son that's it in the whole world. Sister has her own life, mum is ver selfish and has mental health issues and son is finding his way in the world which I'm so proud of but selfishly miss the younger years.

Hey Shoegal, I hear you!
I am 27, single mum to 2, aged 10 and 2. Zero friends and a distant family with their own lives. Although kids are great company, I'd do anything to come home from work to an adult to just offload to and talk through my worries. I imagine you need this more than most, working on NHS frontline. Similarly living in good conditions and regularly told 'I should be grateful' and I've even been labelled negative for feeling this way. This doesn't help when you are longing for a connection and company. I agree Christmas puts a magnifying glass on these feelings we are experiencing. My mother was my support but she is suffering bad with PTSD symptoms right now, due to Covid her counselling treatment has came to a halt. She is very withdrawn and not able to engage in a telephone conversation let alone help me through my feelings of loneliness. I have just lost my nan who was everything to me. I may not be able to go to her funeral this Friday due to childcare. I am hoping to make some friends and my own virtual support system on mumsnet.