What do we tell the children......?

[afterthebath]

New to the site. so bear with me. My husband & I have agreed to a trial separation. He hasn't moved out yet as still sorting out where to stay. We have no idea how to tell our 2 daughters (6 & 3). Any ideas?

haven't experienced it myself but from a (previously) professional point of view, it's important that you both speak to them together, be honest, factual, make no false promises and acknowledge their upset.

i would go along the lines of, m&d are unhappy living together and have decided that daddy move to a different house.

dd's will be staying with mummy (i presume), and they will be able to visit daddy at his new house.

you might feel sad for a while and that's ok, but it is important to remember that m&d love you very much.

reassure them that they can speak to daddy on telephone whenever they want.

i would advise telling them after daddy has found somewhere to live so as they can ask about his new home. it gives them something tangible to cope with.

good luck.

I told mine the other day but mine are 8 and 10.

was very matter of fact and explained Daddy moving out as we are not getting on any more, that we don't really suit each other and all that.

10 year old very laid back about it all 8 year old gobsmacked but very calm and seems ok about it now.

I explained that they would see daddy just as much (which isn't much anyway) and said he was moving into grannies house, weel he said he was but he hasn't.

Stick to the facts, they will want to know about the practical things like where he will be staying, whenthey will see him, what will happen at christmas, will they get two sets of presents ( well DS asked this .

Thank you. He is hoping to stay with friends for a while locally so he can see my dd's (getting the hang of this!) as much as poss. We have said that it is only temp (1 month?)as we want to work it out, but in my heart of hearts, I think I know I can't go backwards, it has been a hard few years for a variety of reasons (my post-n-d & his unemployment) and I feel we have grown apart. we had counselling earlier this year - obviously didn't work. the irony of it all is that we are getting on fine since we decided this on Tues! I feel so scared that I am going to hurt my dd's so much, but then I don't want them to grow up with parents who are only together for them. My eldest dd is so v sensitive & am terrified of her falling apart. I feel scared, sad, guilty, but also relieved (which brings its own guilt!)

I am feeling that relief now as well, and trying to be positive about all this. For the sake of my children and my sanity I have to get myself into gear instead of being in reverse all the time.

dh still hasn't moved out & I am starting to get more tense about it. He wants to tell the children that he is just staying with a friend for a while! I really don't agree, i think we should say the (abridged) truth, that we are not getting on & that he is moving out while we sort it out & that they will still see him regularly etc. I think that if he just moves out with no realistic explanation, then they may think that I have made him leave (which in essence I have I guess) & then I am the baddy, or that they have done something wrong. i am mainly thinking of my eldest dd (6, 7 in 2 weeks) as the youngest (3, 4 in jan) will follow her lead. we decided on this trial sep on tues & so far we have been getting on ok, but the longer he takes to move out, the worse it will get between us. I am going to contact relate & see if we can meet with someone, I can't see us sorting this out in a month! so maybe I should suggest he rents a flat or something as I know he will hate lodging with friends long term. oh, i feel in such a spin, my mind has't stopped working over time & i feel exhausted.

Like you are doing, now you have made the decision, both go and see Relate to work out the best way to tell your children.

When my parents split, my mum told me on her own (Dad had obviously bottled out of it!). 25 years later I can still remember what she said, word for word, , I think I held this against her for ages and in my childs mind I blamed her as she was the one who had delivered the news (not true, now I realise it was a mutual decision).

If they had told me together and in a different way it might have made a hard situation a lot better.

Mum got all the flack for it from me.

Sorry mum

What age were you when your mum told you, interested that you remembered what she said word for word.

I told DS on my own, just seemed like a good moment but he was wise to it all anyway.

We were both their when I told DD, exH couldn't speak so I told her, I though I would be the one that couldn't cope with telling them.

I think it is a good idea to plan a bit of a script so you both say the same things and don't say something by mistake. Think about what they might ask or say and give them a chance to ask questions and suggest someone close impartial they can speak to about it. I said they could talk to granny when ever they needed to as she knew about it too. I thought it was important to let them know other people know too so they didn't think they had to keep it secret.

It all went OK for me apart from DD saying she wished it was me that was moving out, I will let her off and put it down to shock and confusion .

Hoping the kids are picking on that I am positive and upbeat and that its not he end of the world.

I was 10 at the time so a bit older than the OP's.

The main thing is no blame is put on anyone for it happenning. I also remember asking lots of qustions about practicalities (like where would the dogs live/holidays/sleeping arrangements/toys/school). I wanted all the practical things covering rather than listen to my mum tell me it was happenning and why.

Not sure if thats something most kids would do as I haven't really discussed it with anyone, apart from now.

I haven't experienced this so feel free to totally ignore me but I have to say I think that being definite is easier for children. I understand that you want to tell them the truth, but I do wonder if being told that mum and dad aren't getting on and having some time apart to see if they can make it better might just confuse them and make them TOO involved. I just feel it's better to present them with a definite situation, personally.

I think it could be possible that you tell them that he's away on a trip or with friends for a while. And then tell the dd's when you know for sure what you're going to be doing.

HonoriaGlossop I think that can be very true, young kids don't need options and posibilities, they have to have the facts (well the edited version). I don't know where DH is half the time but as far as the kids are concerned he is staying at granny's. They shouldn't have to worry about him being OK.

Also I want them to see I am positive and coping they won't see that I am having to reorganise everything and all the hassle that involves, I don't want then to worry about me. I especially don't want DS to think he has to look after me or that he has to be the man of the house: I hate that expression, talk about pressure.

I had a discussion about free school dinners. I realsie now I should have waited until it was sorted and then told them the facts, not the maybes.

May I recommend a book? It is called "Putting Children First, a handbook for Separated PArents". I have found it invaluable during the last 2 weeks.

We told DS(4 yrs old) that we are separating last weekend. We explained that we were not getting along very well lately and that we had decided that it was better for us to live separated. At that point DS panics and asks if Daddy is ever coming back to this house, I explained that he will, but that he (h) will have another house, where he (DS) would have another bedroom and possibly a bunker bed... went mad at the idea of a bunker bed and was totally happy about the idea.

But then a day later he realised that I was not comming with him on the days he goes to h's, he was a bit sad and suggested that we could lock the house properly and then the 2 of us spend the night at exh's .

But little by little he is coming though it, this afternoon while H was packing he also took to pack a box of toys to take to H's new house. Fortunately, we have managed to keep the things reasonably friendly so without all the associated drama he seems to be taking it well.

There was something in that book saying that what most hurts the children in the separation process is not the separation itself but all the arguments before then. It seems to me that you are managing it very well.

Miaou was very kind to start a thread for me about children of separated families, you can see it here, I found it very reassuring.

thank you for the link to your thread MMS&I, v helpful.

I can't sleep, mind going over & over. Dh is still sorting out where to go. The friend who we thought would be really helpful (single guy, large flat - god parent to our eldest....) has said that dh can only stay from wed for 10 days while he is away. Other friends have been slightly more helpful, but they have families etc to think of. A rental flat would be the best bet, but god only knows how much that would cost. I feel myself getting more & more tense about this as time goes on & we will end up not being amicable, we are getting on ok at the moment, considering, but that won't continue if he doesn't move out.

Still havn't told dd's, or decided what to say!

My parents split when I was 11 after an awful marriage with bullying (of my mother & myself & sisters)& ocasional physical abuse (of mother). There was no sitting down & telling us, my mother just walked out on him one sunday, taking us with her. I remember feeling such relief & still think it was the best thing she did. It was just the months (years) afterwards of court cases, holidays with him etc that were awful. I have no proper relationship with him now, which is really his fault, I have tried. It was the best thing that they split up, I can't really remember them ever being happy together, but it was awful afterwards & even though I can't compare my situation with this as it is so different, it still upsets me that I am doing this to my dd's after what happened to me.

I care about dh, but just don't know where this is going, I can't live my life anymore like this, I will go mad. We need to sort ourselves out so we can parent our girls properly, either apart or together.

oh dear after, sorry to hear you're not sleeping etc.

I do think it's sensible not to tell the dd's yet. If you're still feeling that you don't know where it's going and you still need to 'sort yourselves out' then I really don't think now is the time to involve them.

I realise this is presumptuous and it's amateur psychology really but is there a possibility that you are more able to consider the end of your marriage and a seperated parental situation for your dd's because you have experienced it yourself?

Obviously it was better rather than worse for you but don't make the assumption that it will be the same for your dd's; I'm not saying it WON'T be as don't know enough, but if your and dh's situation is not the same then your children might experience the split very differently than you did.

Obviously if abuse is involved you need to end it but if not, and you do as you say, care about your DH then maybe I'm insanely optimistic but surely it must be possible for you to find some way to stay together. And yes, I do think it's ok for it to be partly 'for the kids sake'. It IS important to them and it's what you sign up to when you take on the responsibility of having them, abuse exepted.

I realise I'm old fashioned in that view.

I do wish you the best of luck.