The final straw...

[zebrachick]

7 years of DD's dad being absolutely selfish. Split up when DD was young. Able to co-parent at first, then he met someone else & slowly he drifted. As he disengaged from DD's life, and started to be late/cancel/not turn up, I tried everything-shared calendar, monthly meet ups/phone calls to discuss DD, being nice, sending him long emails, being angry... realised he's narcissistic & doesn't care.
Over the years his behaviour has been appalling - leaving DD feeling very sad. He is now remarried with 2x kids & sees DD when it suits him. I have learned to manage his shit behaviour & I get less angry.
He was due to pick DD up today until Xmas eve. Cancelled last minute.
DD standing at the door waiting with Santa hat on and bag of presents knowing he wasn't coming was heart breaking. She's 9. She's angry. She said she doesn't want to see him for a long time.
I knew this day would come.
Anyone else had similar? Of course I will support DD - any tips on how to help her or thoughts?

God, your poor child and what an utter shit. I have no words of advice really but I am so sorry he has done this to her. Are you working for the next few days? Can you spend some time with her and do nice things?

Thanks for your reply @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams
Yes, planning to do loads of great stuff together & can't wait.
She deserves so much better.
No apology or contact from her dad at all.
Things seriously need to change - he doesn't listen to me, is one of those men who tells his wife/family all sorts of crap about how I'm a bitch etc when all I've ever tried to do is help DD have a normal life & tried to communicate as much as possible keeping things DD focussed.
He lies to his wife or fails to communicate with her at all which results in her texting me with 'queries' & me sending her screen shots of conversations between me & him & then her being quite unpleasant/frustrated.
I've had enough - for me & DD.

My youngest DD is also 9 and her dad is exactly the same. It wasn't too bad to start with (split 7 years like you), but this year he has a live in partner and he's barely in her life at all now. He'll rock up here Xmas morning with a few things then disappear again. She's been angry, upset, felt it was her fault 'if only I was a better kid' (😓) and now she's just resigned to being bottom of his priority list. I find just letting her talk to me whenever she needs to, hearing her, validating how she's feeling.. For long enough I would cover for my ex and make excuses for him but now I don't find that's helpful to her. If she says she's upset and dad isn't nice for not turning up then I agree. I'm sorry your DD is going through this. It sounds like you've done all you can to facilitate their relationship, honestly I'd just support whatever your DD wants now.

I have nothing useful to add OP but I just wanted to say that the thought of your little girl waiting for her dad to come pick her up for Christmas while wearing a little Santa hat and holding presents and him not bothering to turn up makes me feel so sad that poor girl. If I was in your situation, I'd remove him from both your lives completely.

I've actually got a photograph of my then 2.5 year old stood in the window waiting for her daddy to come. Thinking at the time it was kinda cute. But never came, and she stood in that window a long time.

Gradually this became more frequent, and the older she got, the less forgiving she became. She hasn't seen him now for 6 years. I did everything I could to try keep that relationship going, but I could only do so much. We regularly talk about her reaching out to him (as i didn't want her thinking I've kept her from him), and she's really not sure interested. Kids have their own mindset and with these kind of situations, you can't force it. Just be there for your child to pick up the pieces. His loss.

Thanks so much to all of you for responding.
As DD has grown up she has reacted to different things that he's done, & has said she doesn't want to see him a couple of times if he's let her down, but ultimately wants to be a part of his new family (she is always treated slightly differently though- never included in family holidays etc)
I have instigated all visits/contact for years & can never make my own plans if she's going to his overnight as he cancels/changes timings at the last minute frequently.
If he has her when I have to work, it's very rare that he picks her up on time...which means that I get really stressed as I'll be late & DD sees me as a stresshead.
He's now making noises about 'making up for it next week' but feel physically sick thinking about her waiting for him to come again. I'm going to chat to DD this evening about what she wants but like one of you said you can no longer do, I can't do the making excuses for him thing anymore.

Oh bless!

Your poor wee 9 year old.

My x was demanding higher levels of emotional maturity from the teenagers than he was displayinh himself. I pointed this out to him and it changed nothing but when we (teens and me) talked about levels of self awareness, the ability to take responsibility and people's general level of emotional awareness having little to do with age. They got it. They didnt feel great but it helped.

Xx

The kindest thing you can do is stop contact with this man . My ex is the same but ds is 6 and daddy is still the hero , I e always said the day he wakes up to him I'll be there right behind him. I understand why you have tried to facilitate a relationship as I do the same , but he clearly doesnt give a shit . Cut him out of dd life , this rollercoaster is damaging for her . Nasty man . Hope your DD is ok and you both enjoy a lovely Christmas together .

@TheGremlinsAreComing the situation with your ex sounds very similar... I still struggle with his extreme selfishness & get angry but try & hide it from DD but can't always hide it as so infuriating!

Wait a little while longer before cutting him off. My kids basically made the decision to give up themselves. I wouldnt stop trying YET.
But maybe the arrangement from now should be far fewer visits but you drop yr dd off at his.

Show your anger a bit @zebrachick

My friend was always so determined not to do thay that her dd internalised the shame. Be angry on her behalf. He is selfish. He is lazy. He is emotionally immature.

Don't initiate a conversation about how shit he is, but if dd starts a conversation about it don't cover for him or use the opportunity to go into great lengths about his failings.

Listen to her, agree with her, let her determine how she wants things to be in future. She will know you have her back and don't routinely badmouth everything he does (or doesn't do). She can contrast this with his behaviour and draw her own conclusions.

@zebrachick I can't make plans either. If, on occasion, he'd say he wants to have overnight then I can guarantee he'll text or call all evening with some kind of issue and then I end up with DD returning home at half 10 or later, upset and overtired because he can't be bothered anymore. Since his gf moved in (straight away I might add after knowing each other 2 weeks!) DD hasn't wanted to stay overnight at all and visits have literally been mcds drive thru every couple of weeks or he comes here for a bit. The gf has no desire to meet DD and takes up 99.9% of his time now.

It's so hard to keep covering for them, I totally get how burned out you feel on that score. Sad thing is the older they get the more they'll see just how little effort their dads made, but at least we can say we did our very best to maintain contact for them.