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Lone parents

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Leaving husband to become single parent. Can it be ok?

12 replies

shirlm · 20/12/2020 08:36

Hi. I’m sure these appear all the time. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and it feels like a mismatch but there have been some good times. However for quite some time I have felt incredibly lonely and pretty fed up in this relationship. I don’t want to sleep with him or find him attractive, a lot of what he says and does is irritating and I have thought this was ok as it’s companionship. Anyway another night of laying in bed in tears after he doesn’t want to talk about this tier 4 thing, just carry on robotting I don’t think I can bear it. I actually feel like this relationship is draining the life out of me and causing me to be a worse parent, friend, sister etc. I’ve worked out the finances and I can afford to pay rent/ mortgage, bills etc. He is quite an involved dad so I think he would want to do parent however he gets
So very defensive (also draining- more hard work than my children) so I’d just like to hear how to make transition to co-parenting run smoothly. And whether it worked? We have a house with mortgage (he could probably pay for this himself- don’t think I could), two children ages 6 and 8- eldest is autistic in mainstream school . Please I’d also like to hear what helps you run a home on your own? And how you’ve found single parenting? Thank you

OP posts:
shirlm · 20/12/2020 08:38

Sorry by being able to take on the mortgage. I could afford the monthly repayments but pathetic bank probably
Wouldn’t lend me the money alone (unless do they take maintenance etc into account)

OP posts:
theliverpoolone · 20/12/2020 20:58

Hi OP. My ex-dp and I split up about 3.5 yrs ago when dd was 10. He used to visit 2x week as he wasn't living somewhere she could stay - now she's older and doesn't want to do things with dad so much (or me!) he tends to see her once/week.

I stayed in the family home for a couple of years and paid the mortgage myself, and he paid maintenance. I also got/get tax credits as I'm in a low income school hrs job. Then when we sold it and I bought my own house the maintenance and tax credits were taken into account as income for the new mortgage. You need proof that you've been getting the maintenance payments regularly. And they ask what your plans are for covering the mortgage when the maintenance stops, even if it's a long way in the future.

I thought it would be easier being able to make all decisions myself, but I'll be honest and say it's been tough at times, especially as I bought a house that needs lots of work and I have at times been overwhelmed with indecision. It's also frustrating, and expensive, having to pay people to do jobs that with two of you, you might have been able to tackle yourselves, so it feels like there's more expenses and a lot less income Sad. I keep a record of every single penny I spend, and set money aside monthly for the 'big bills', to try to avoid getting caught with something I can't afford. However, I would still much rather be living like this than in an unhappy relationship. Parenting has generally been ok, although dd has had spells of phoning dad upset if I've told her off or done something to annoy her, then he's had a go at me without bothering to ask my side of the story, which has been frustrating.

theliverpoolone · 20/12/2020 20:59

Sorry, posted too soon. Just wanted to end by saying good luck, I think making the decision and going through with it is the hardest part.

Viviennemary · 20/12/2020 21:02

I think it's quite sad to be splitting up when your H is an involved Dad. I wouldn't do it. Many many people are finding life difficult just now. But it depends how unhappy you are and if you think things might improve,

unicornsarereal72 · 21/12/2020 08:28

Don't think too far a head. I'm 3 years on my own and still have to live in the moment. Good routine is key. For you at home. And when the children are with their dad. Don't be vague with contact that isnt good for anyone.

Gather good support network around you. Know where you turn the water off in the house and utube is your friend to fix small things.

KarmaNoMore · 21/12/2020 11:12

There is a book I found massively helpful to get us started into co-parenting while apart. It honk you can still find it in Amazon, is called “putting children first, a manual for separated parents”.

I have found that while the two of you protect your communication by being civil, diplomatic, understanding of the other’s issues and choose your battles, the children will be fine. It is when you stop talking that every little problem is amplified and resented that life becomes hell but I understand this is not on our hands some times.

It is easier to survive as a single parent than to survive as a single parent carrying another adult who is constantly tripping you down or giving you a lot of extra work. I found it much easier to cope with house chores, child’s care and behaviour on my own than when dad was around, I was definitively better organised and much more relaxed raising DS single handedly.

There is no way to avoid the money worries but in balance if you think you can afford to pay rent in another place you are already in a much better starting position than many people at the time of split.

To find how much help you can be entitled to visit entitledto.co.uk

With regards to the mortgage, don’t automatically assume you wouldn’t be allowed to take it over from him: there may be the possibility that if he is the main earner and you become the resident parent, you may get a higher percentage of the equity of the house (bigger deposit for the next mortgage). Find an independent mortgage advisor who can search for the best mortgage for your circumstances as there are some providers who will consider child/spousal maintenance as income as well as universal credit, they are difficult to find hence the need of using an advisor but for most mortgage products these advisors work on commission so this doesn’t represent an additional cost to you.

I think most divorced people will tell you the same, that it was more difficult to take the decision to leave than deal with the changes that came out of it. The most common regret is not leaving but not living sooner. One good reason to leave sooner is because your chances of co parenting efficient as separated parents are higher if you leave while you can still be rational and considerate to each other (before you are so angry you don’t care at all about the other)

KarmaNoMore · 21/12/2020 11:12

It honk? I think!

Cleverpolly3 · 23/12/2020 22:10

@Viviennemary

I think it's quite sad to be splitting up when your H is an involved Dad. I wouldn't do it. Many many people are finding life difficult just now. But it depends how unhappy you are and if you think things might improve,
Bollocks Better to be alone and happy than cry yourself to sleep while the person who’s supposed to never make that happen couldn’t give a shit

Children do see it too

chrisski33 · 23/12/2020 22:19

Have u suggested seeing a counselor first? Maybe your husband finds it hard to talk about things? If you dondecide to split prepare for the fallout other than financial.
If hes defensive he wont mke it easy. If your not happy try the mediation then if that fails get out of the marriage. Kids pick up on unhappiness in parents.

Starlightstarbright1 · 24/12/2020 08:05

Thinks we’re financially very tough when Ds was little.

Co parenting works when 2 people make it work.

For me it was much easier without my ex.

KarmaNoMore · 24/12/2020 14:26

I think it's quite sad to be splitting up when your H is an involved Dad

If he is really an involved dad he will continue to be an involved dad, no matter what.

Risky1996 · 05/01/2025 10:26

Me and my husband are on the verge of splitting up I’m gonna have to move out the home because it’s in his name, where do I start how do I get a house for me and my kids benefits etc? Please comment anything to help I never been in this situation

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