First baby, dad has left, no idea how to set things right

[Al39]

Hi everyone,
My midwife suggested I join for support and I would be grateful for your input. Sorry in advance that I do not know all the abbreviations and if this is a bit long!
I am 11 weeks pregnant, unplanned and found out 8 week ago. I was with the dad for 5 months and during that time we clicked, fell in love and were really happy together, planning a future and to live together in 2021. I am 39 he is 37 and neither of us wanted kids. When the test was positive dad was initially supportive of my decision and we decided on an abortion. I could not go through with it and changed my mind. I tried to explain why I had changed my mind but dad become angry and accused me of lying, planning the pregnancy and wrecking his life. When I refused an abortion again he started to say I was affecting his mental health and implying he was now at an all time low because of me. I still decided to keep the baby and at this point his behaviour was such I had to cut contact (ag
(angry, saying he hated me, we could not have child as on his part he cannot stand me, constant calls and so on). I could not bear the idea of having a baby and not having the dad involved so I made contact again. He is still very angry with me (which I understand and respect) but he is also sticking to the line he does not want to have this baby but as I have lied and am forcing him to he will have to be involved. I do not wish to deny him his rights but his very behaviour is aggressive and toxic. I had a pretty bad childhood and do not want any baby to experience two estranged parents who argue all the time. It affected me deeply. I can accept my part in this but I cannot stop crying at how bereft I feel. I have been very ill with morning sickness and the rejection of the baby and me has left me low. I work and have a home and want to provide stability for the baby, I just do not know how we will move past his anger. I have to be honest, I am also angry/hormonal so probably should not have got back in touch with him and I feel I am constantly more worried how he feels and pleasing someone who does not care about us at all. I would really appreciate any advice on moving forward in a positive way for the baby. I know I can only control my actions and reactions, I guess part of me still hopes he will change his mind, silly I know. A lot has happened in such a short time, sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading

Why do you want someone so unloving in your life and why would you inflict that on your child. You will absolutely be enough for your child, they will be surrounded by your love, rather that have a person who shows them they don’t want or love them in every way. Honestly move on...because he will treat you like shit for 9 months and then demand parental rights once your gorgeous bundle arrives, whilst expecting you to actually do all the work

Stop contacting him. He’s bringing nothing positive to your pregnancy and upsetting you when you need support. There is no need for him to be involved in your pregnancy and you will better off without him trying to guilt trip you. Block him now. I don’t see how changing your mind about an abortion means you have lied, that’s a huge leap for him to make. At 37, I presume he knows how condoms work, chose not to wear one and put all responsibility for contraception on you.
Contact CMS when you have had your baby and let them arrange maintenance. If he wants to be involved with your child then go forward with contact. Do not let him bully you.

Stop contacting. You dont have to share anything pregnancy related with him at all - appointments, scans, updates, gender, due date, when you actually give birth and no written law stating you have to tell him baby arrived etc. So i wouldn't do anything i don't have to with a dad who has reacted like he has. Don't invite to the birth, don't use his surname (you pick first name/middle names too) and really don't put him on birth certificate. Use this time to cut contact. If you can move closer to family/friends for support, now is the time to do it. Make all your social media very strict and private. Change phone number, email, anything and everything. Sounds harsh but you do not have to make this easy on him at all.

You don't even have to tell him what you name the baby or whether you have boy/girl. Someone once told me "when people show you who they are, believe them the first time".

Thanks everyone, that is helpful. I guess I was just trying to force a situation because I never had a happy childhood and obviously that is wrong. I know what he says does not matter. Whilst the baby was not planned I know I made the right choice and I am happy. It is really nice to know their are people out there willing to give good advice, thank you so much

Cut him loose - he is bringing you nothing positive at this stage, and indeed is an angry and destabilising presence in your life.

He may or may not calm down one he accepts that he can't bully or manipulate you into having a termination. If he does, please don't forget his current behaviour and take him back. Yes, he almost certainly believes that you fell pregnant on purpose (wanted a baby, running out of time, took a chance on him going along with it). That in no way excuses his behaviour, and I would be very cautious about encouraging him to be involved in your DC's life.

I'm sorry to hear he has been so awful about it, you are totally allowed to change your mind... so now is the time to focus your energies on building a life for you and your child, not trying to get him to change his mind.

Having this man in your life and your child's life is not going to make your lives happier. You've given him every chance to be involved and he has used that time to be aggressive towards you, so it's now time to move on and shape a life that works for you and your child, full of positivity and love. You'll do great!

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Please don't waste time hoping this bloke changes his tune. Someone who can be that nasty to a woman carrying his child is not someone you want in your baby's life.
You've tried hard to do what you perceive to be the right thing and been met with abuse.
Cut contact and concentrate on yourself and the pregnancy. You've done nothing wrong.

I know of 2 children whose 'fathers' didn't want to know or be involved as soon as the pregnancy was announced. One is a happy 7 year old with an amazing single mum. Doing really well at school, has friends and family who love her.

The other is also nearly 7. Her mum met an amazing man when she was a baby and they got married when she was young. She calls him dad and they are a lovely family with 2 more children now too.

Also my 'father' was an abusive and horrible man who I had no contact with whatsoever growing up and I can assure you I'm a well adjusted adult. Slightly less relevant example as I didn't have a good mum either but I was strong, overcame a lot and now have my own family - a ds and fiancé. I'm extremely happy and lead a fulfilling life.

You don't need this man for your child to be happy. He sounds awful. Good luck with your situation and congratulations on the pregnancy. I love being a mum so much, it's a blessing

You can't force him to be involved. He's made his decision, and trying to make a happy family is not going to happen- you need to work out the best for you and your child, and focus only on that. He knows how to contact you, I'd leave it at that

Welcome to Mumsnet and congratulations on your pregnancy.
Block him and make plans to care for your baby on your own.
Keep talking to your midwife and let family and friends know how you're feeling.

If baby's dad wants a meaningful relationship he will step up if not its better dad stays out of the picture as its less disruptive to have an absent father than a deadbeat one. You can't force him to be the father you want him to be so you'll need to step back and see if he comes to you.
My husband left me for another woman when I was 18 weeks I tried to push him into having a relationship with dc however after 18 months with little commitment, not always turning up etc I asked him to either commit to regularly seeing dc or not to visit at all. He chose not to visit. At 14 dc decided he'd like to meet his father he met him twice and father was no different didn't show any compassion, interest in dc - dc decided that he no longer wished to have contact. Dc is a well adjusted 16 year old now whom has said I did the right thing asking his father to comit or go. He had an unsettled time after he met his father (whom crosses the street in order to not have to speak to him and doesn't pay cm) and realised he wasn't going to step up but is glad he did meet him and seems more at peace with it all.

I am a year on from where you are now except I was in a longterm committed relationship and he had begged me to keep the baby then he abandoned me at 9 weeks pregnant and accused me of trapping him.

I am telling you from.my experience it will not get better. He will blame you he will cause you so much pain that it will take the enjoyment from the pregnancy.

Run from the hills and enjoy this time..if he comes back to see the child great if not a child fairs better with one happy parent than a child from an abusive relationship.

And congrats, when you hold your baby it will be all worthwhile

I really wish I had joined earlier. Your messages have made all the difference. Just as a background, I really never wanted children. I had always focused on my career and just never never felt the urge to settle down and have a family. I came close to having an abortion - I had the telephone consultation and and they sent me the tablets. I feel I did mislead him because it took me weeks to tell him I could not do it (I just knew he would get very angry so I do understand why he feels I lied even if I think it is terrible that he thinks he gets a final say in my body). It is so strange, I did not know I could feel so much happiness now. Even with all of the sadness and stress from my dad I feel incredibly happy about the baby. I guess my worry was by blocking him I would be taking away his rights and as he said he would be involved because he had to be I was making things worse. Thank you all. I am going to take on the board the great advice and refocus. I have my dating scan coming up on 5th Jan and will focus on that ❤👍😊

Try to focus on rights of your child which is to live a calm peaceful life feeling loved and wanted even if that is only via one parent. One of the first rules is "dont bring chaos into your child's life" so every thing you can to cut him out or drastically reduce.

You haven't lied. You had the right to change your mind every step of the way at any point. Even to change mind seceral times. Your body and you are the decision maker of it. Becoming a parent is such a bigger biological deal for a woman and with the boost of hormones, to be up and down and mind going around and around is all perfectly natural. Your body, your choice.

No one is forcing him to be a dad. I might have suggestsd cutting him some slack if he was 17 but he is 37 and to behave like that, well these are behaviours that arent going to change as he is "set in his ways". So do everything to reduce ties to this man. He has no right, none, he can go to court (which would suggest meditation etc first) but unlikely to chase you if he never wanted a kid. Out of sight, out of his mind and reach to bug/annoy you.

Hi, I am glad that others are already making you feel better. I was in a similar situation (10 month relationship, unplanned baby and I wanted to keep it but he didn’t). Sadly my situation turned to domestic violence as he tried to force me, so the decision to cut him out completely was easier. Ultimately, I think that you need to leave the father alone. He knows you are pregnant and where you are and that is all he needs to know to be involved if he wants.
My DS is now almost two and I have not contacted and have not heard from his biological father. I can understand why you contacted your ex as during my pregnancy I felt extremely guilty that my son would not have a father and more than once cried myself to sleep apologising to him for that. But, now, 2 years on my son is surrounded by so much love (from my family, friends, his child-minder and pretty much everyone he meets) that I know not having a dead-beat father who doesn’t care would have been a much worse option. Young children need to know they are loved and cherished, in time there may be difficult conversations about their absent parent, but ultimately the security of knowing that everyone in their life loves them is better than having a dad who flits in and out of their life and is uncaring.
I am really glad you’re excited, your child will have a happy childhood because of you.

P.s. do not put him on the birth certificate. He will then have no parental responsibility unless he goes on to prove he is capable of being a father.

Haveing one happy loving parent is far more important than 2 miserable fighting parents.

If he feels you have tricked him, I doubt he will ever move past that.

Personally I’d walk away and have zero contact until your child is old enough to make their own mind up or he contacts you, but then I’d make it on my terms. Unless you need the money I would not even bother with csa. You don’t have to put his name on the birth certificate so he dose not even need to be part of the equation.

My exdh had a child as a result to a one night stand, he was always convinced she did it in purpose, he wasn’t the best dad and his DC always felt like an inconvenience. What I didn’t know till years later, he actually had another child, again the mother tried trapping him even though they were in a relationship. He walked away and to this day (25 yrs later refuses to acknowledge he’s the dad). Some men are unfortunately just like this. It’s why I never wanted children with him.

I hope things work out for you x

Your messages give me so much hope, thank you for sharing such personal parts of your lives, I send you all much love and peace. I have cut all contact now. As hard as it is, the idea of any baby feeling the resentment and anger from a parent is not acceptable, I remember that all too well and I spent a large part of my 20s trying to destroy myself from the sense of rejection (and incidentally it is the main reason I never wanted children as I vowed I would never risk doing the same to a child, funny how history repeats itself). Dad was always a bit competitive when we were dating and it is almost like even if deep down he knows this was a genuine accident then hormones kicked, he is determined to 'win' the fight at any expense - he has said some terrible things to me and watched me cry and be physically sick from the arguing and upset and still would not comfort or back down just to calm the situation , waiting for me to apologise over and over. Financially I can just about make it without a penny from him. My parents are going to help with childcare and I have some amazing friends. I suppose I just wanted desperately for him to love me and the baby even though this was unplanned, which is selfish as I can have input on my life and this little biscuit (named for their love of choc digestives!!!!) has no control so I have to put them first. I wish I could hug you all, you have given me so much comfort the past few days and I know the biscuit is appreciative too. Thank you xx

@Al39 what a lovely update. Mumsnet was a great support for me too, so I’m simply glad I can pass that on. If you haven’t already I’d recommend joining one of the expecting threads for the month you’re due. I did that and found it very helpful, plus we then set up a secret fb group for those who wanted to join. It was immensely helpful during the early days (we used to have a night train thread to chat during night feeds) and even now we still support one another online. I hope you can find something similar.

Also cheered by your updated as you seem more positive and clear headed x