I lived the exact same misery for years... Friday evening they would get a takeaway, eat leftover takeaway for brekky and lunch Saturday then get another takeaway Saturday evening. She was allowed to eat her bodyweight in sugar and chocolate, didn't have to wear a coat in the snow, the list goes on. She didn't even have to walk herself, he would carry her on his shoulders EVERYWHERE and hand me her shoes and coat.... even in January. No rules, no bedtime, he even used to tell her things like "mummy makes you go to be early because she hates you and doesn't want you around, i let you stay up late because i love you and can't bare to be away from you, not even when you're sleeping" He also slept in the same bed with her. This went on for about 4 years, then he met his GF, who already had two kids and everything started to change, his GF cooks homemade healthy meals from scratch, no more takeaways, which of course DD is furious about, as she wants the takeaways she's used too. They now face hell every single mealtime, which of course he lies about and blames on me, according to him its ME that's always fed her a bad diet. They do utterly absurd things like make her go to be the same time as his GF's children, even put her in bed with these children because its no longer convenient for him to bed share with her (so they don't get mad about different bedtimes) because they absolutely know what's best and care about it for the child they live with but then once the other children are asleep my DD is allowed to get back up again??????????? They had to stop putting her in bed with the other children when it started interfering with there sleep, again because when its them that has to deal with the negative consequences of their actions they do something about it.
DD's smart enough to notice the massive change in her dad's behavior pre GF to post GF, they now have 3 daughters together, plus the 2 children his GF had from her previous marriage and my DD watches from the sidelines. She now HATES her dad for the way he treats her little sisters and the totally contrasting "parenting" she had at their age. Of course that hatred is blamed on me, apparently i turned her against him.... his GF is filthy rich though so now he buys her off with his GF's money and she's become quite materialistic instead, which makes me sad but again... just like when he was a "yes" man, he's making a rod for his own back all over again... she's not interested in any kind of relationship with him or his girlfriend and literally only talks about them to say "I'm going to ask them to buy me x, y, z next time i'm there"... I've no doubt that will be "my fault" somehow too haha
its exhausting and its really not fair, i wasted so many years getting so so upset at the damage i felt he was doing, but ultimately its a learning opportunity. Show your child the differences, teach your child to notice the details, notice the contradictions. My DD came home recently upset after watching her dad hitting her 1 yr old sister for "picking her nose". She told me she asked him not too and his response was "its my job to teach her not to and she won't learn otherwise"....
i asked her the questions...
do my other children pick their nose?....... no!
Have you seen me teaching them not to by smacking them?...... no!...
which adult do you know is always picking his damn nose?...... dad!
Where do you think your little sister learnt it from? copying..... dad!....
right, so the way you teach your kids not to pick their damn noses is modeling that behavior and not do it yourself right? then you don't need to smack a 1 yr old for copying you, do you?...... no!
She's only just starting to see the tip of the iceberg but honestly, don't waste your life worrying about his behavior, you have no control over it. Concentrate on what you can control, your responses and always always take the opportunity to teach! Your child will have many many bad influences in their lives and you won't have any control over any of them, its just unfortunate that "daddy" will be one of them.