Desperate for advice!

[november90]

I am absolutely desperate for some guidance from people who have been in my situation.
Ex and I have 2 children, 3ye old and a 7mnth old. He has our eldest 2 nights a week but threatens a 3rd when it suits him.
We had a conversation and said that we would share Xmas half a day each and then spend birthdays together. I have this on email. He's now telling me that he will only agree to full day alternate years where if I have Xmas he has them both on their birthdays. He said if I have them for their birthdays next year I do not get to see them at all for birthday or Xmas the following year. Obviously I have not agreed to this. We are local to each other and I have agreed to split days and sharing the birthday and also offered him contact on Xmas Eve, Xmas day and Boxing Day.
He's telling me a court would never agree to splitting the time and I am selfish and living in 1950s. He and his family work in childcare and he has said they no more about this then me and what he is saying goes.
I've been in touch with women's aid and domestic abuse hotline in the past due to his emotional abuse... I thought it had settled. This outburst was completely out of the blue.
Would a court seriously rule this? Why would it be best for our sons to not see both parents even if individually?
I will never sleep tonight. I am in absolute despair.

Courts will judge each case individually...many parents do alternate years. It's not at all unusual for one parent to have the children on Christmas day completely...and the other parent to take the next year.

What most people do is to have their celebration just before or just after Christmas day. So if it's your turn to have them on the Christmas day then he might wait until his turn on Boxing day and have present opening etc then.

Shifting between two houses on Christmas day ...half each...isn't ideal for such small children. It would be quite overwhelming really.

I also think that whoever has them on Christmas day, then the other getting their birthday is quite fair really.

I would think this possibly when they're older but why would it be fair for my son who lives with me the majority of the time doesn't see me on his birthday or Xmas? We share other days to suit his work so why would that be fair on their special birthdays and Christmas?

Well he would see you on one or the other...so if he had Christmas with you, he'd have his birthday with his Dad. It wouldn't be fair if only you got all the special days would it? He sees his Dad two days a week yes? That's pretty standard...so is sharing the celebratory days.

"What he is saying goes".... no it doesn't. He sounds a typical abuser.

Courts will approve a wide range of arrangements if both parents agree to them. If not, a mediator may help although this isn't recommended where abuse has been present. Do you maybe qualify for legal aid because of evidence of DV in last two years?

However, you may need to start trying to prepare yourself for missing some important days. You may need to talk through your feelings with a counsellor, I know it's big.

These type of arrangements do get easier as time goes on. You find ways to cope, honestly. You celebrate on different days.

Or maybe he loses interest and so the contact doesn't happen anyway!

You can ring WA again OP, at any point. He may be just saying this to scare you anyway, if you have a previous arrangement agreed by email.

If your dc are very young, they won't have much concept of what is actually their birthday or Christmas day anyway. So celebrating outside the actual day won't bother them.
They'll get 2 of each and I'm sure will enjoy both.

Thanks for the replies. I have a visit from my HV and a call with minds matters arranged for next week anyway and I will be contacting women's aid.
I just don't think this is necessary and as he knows how special and Sentimental these days are to me o know he is doing this to control and hurt me. I'm flexible around his work all the time so I just do not understand why he thinks this is necessary.

** or fair.
The best of both worlds is these boys can spend time with each parent.... he's just jumping to worst case scenario and it's completely avoidable :(

Are your current arrangements informal or court ordered. Where you say he ‘threatens a third’ if it’s a formal arrangement he can’t do that. You also can’t grumble that he only wants Christmas and birthdays to hurt you. He has a right to the special days as you do but it needs to be fair and well planned for the kids.

If he’s being difficult, stick to your agreed days, offer reasonable access on holidays and if necessary get it formalised which means he won’t be able to bully you.

The children's father is local to us. We swap at 2pm on special days. Birthdays wake up here and if he wishes to collect from school he can do so. But usually just has them at his for a few hours for take away.

I have been fortunate since he left that he hasn't had the facilities to have the children over night. So they always sleep/wake up here. But I am prepared for that to change but hope that the 2pm change over remains in place.

Our agreement is informal, never been through court. He told me he wanted 2 nights but then when he accepted a mew job and we had a convo about cm increasing he told me he wanted a third night as he would rather have them then pay me money.
I don't see what the issue is sharing the day, I just don't get it. I think that's what's fair. I'm not being unreasonable, I've offered him access on every occasion to his discretion.