Ex’s comments to daughter – still continue and now daughter wont see him

[charrowell]

I posted sometime ago regarding my ex’s emotional and somewhat verbal abuse towards my 7 year old and I am on here again because things have not improved. I really need advice to what to do next and wanted to see if anyone had been through something similar?

I’ve emailed my ex time and time again over the comments and things he has said to our daughter and they did stop for a week or so only to start up again. Examples include calling her lazy, tell her that ‘she is turning into someone he hates’ (ie me), she is on the naughty list and wont get any presents from santa this year….the list goes on.

About a month ago I decided to write to my ex’s mum explaining it all, how much my daughter was upset and how this is affecting her mental state. I asked her to have a word with her son (because she’s basically a last resort, he wont listen to anyone else) and I didn’t threaten but suggested that if things didn’t get any better, if my daughter continued to come home upset with the verbal abuse he aims towards her (with my 3 year old son overhearing I might add), then I would insist that he no longer sees the children until he can stop. I am prepared to go to court/be taken to court over this as I have for over a year now written down everything and documented every single word and action by him. Just to add I received no response from ex MIL and I’ve no idea if she told him about it or showed him. If she did say anything then it has fallen on very deaf ears as he has continued with the abuse.

Last week my daughter came home yet again upset over comments he had said to her and refused to see him on the following Saturday. I therefore wrote him an email on the Friday evening – he wont talk to me in person or even look at me, explaining that he had upset our daughter yet again and that she did not want to go out with him the next day. I also mentioned how I was concerned with my son overhearing the things he says to her (and often nasty things about my family too) and so would be keeping my son home as he would not go without his older sister anyway.

He immediately sent me a text ordering me (one of the things he feels he has the right to do to women) to send out the children at the usual time (again, wont come to the door! Has to wait in the car) to which I didn’t reply as I felt I had explained it all in the email.

He turned up the Saturday morning, beeping his horn expecting the kids to go out. I went upstairs with them both so that they didn’t see or hear anything in case he decided to get out and create. He waited 20 mins, ringing my phone and leaving messages but I didn’t answer. He then drove away. All the while I felt intimidated and uneasy.

He sent me an email a few hours later calling me spiteful and demanding to know why I am using the children against him and why I took it upon myself to stop him seeing them. I was extremely upset not to mention frustrated and sick to death of repeating myself. I haven’t answered him as I just feel like I am going around in circles. My daughter has again voiced that she has no interest in seeing him this week and I am reluctant to send my 3 year old out as I don’t want him to be around all the negative and nasty comments my ex obviously cant keep to himself.

Does anyone have any advice to my next move? Am I over reacting with this? Am I right in calling it abuse? This has been going on over a year and I so tired of it, he wont listen and is totally oblivious to the damage he is causing our children. I broke it off with him and asked him to leave as he was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me but he has sadly transferred all the abuse onto my daughter and I fear it will only get worse…

Thank you all

No I don't think you are over reacting and I'd do the same in your shoes. Your dc need protecting.

I'd also recommend that you speak to a solicitor to get some legal advice as how to handle this.

I agree his behavior towards your DC is wrong (not sure I'd call it abuse), but in my experience of the family courts, they won't bat an eye lid at this kind of behavior.

Men get contact via the courts having done an awful lot worse. It's wrong and unfair to the children who have to suffer it, but it's the way it is...courts empower abusive men. Agree with PP, you may want to get legal advice on how to handle this.

Is this true? Anyone think or know differently?

Pinkyxx do you have personal experience of this being the case in a court?

Contact Women's Aid and get advice. He is being emotionally abusive. Protect your daughter. Children first is the law.

As others have said get some legal advice OP. I don’t have personal experience of this but is something like a family contact centre an option where he sees the children there? At least he would be monitored whilst with the children. Emotional abuse is abuse and it is so wrong for the children to have to endure this. You are just trying to protect your them.

Keep your daughter away from this cruel bastard he’ll then do as all rubbish and nasty parents do will moan she doesn’t want to bother with him, as an adult and I don’t blame her. Don’t let these nasty put downs continue it will destroy her emotionally.

My ex physically and mentally abused our kids. The courts enabled him to see them under supervision against the children's wishes ( they were 4,9 and 10 at the time). He 'accidentally' tripped our 4yr old and trod on her arm, breaking her wrist... All under supervision.. The courts still allowed him access and merely warned him.
I agree with pp who say they are unlikely to take much notice of what you say, unfortunately, based on my experience. Sorry you're going through this.

@Pinkandwrinkly

My ex physically and mentally abused our kids. The courts enabled him to see them under supervision against the children's wishes ( they were 4,9 and 10 at the time). He 'accidentally' tripped our 4yr old and trod on her arm, breaking her wrist... All under supervision.. The courts still allowed him access and merely warned him. I agree with pp who say they are unlikely to take much notice of what you say, unfortunately, based on my experience. Sorry you're going through this.

Fucking hell that's awful

@charrowell yes, unfortunately I do.

I agree 100% with @Pinkandwrinkly post. They ignore much much worse than what you're describing. Its' wrong, but it's the way it is -

first hand experience here, courts ignore much worse abuse than this.

I had evidence of verbal abuse to myself, over 200 emails calling me selfish, bitter, disgusting, telling me i should be ashamed of myself and i'm a terrible mother, telling me my DD hates me and wants to live with him (sent the day he found out i gave birth to my second child, all to hurt me and ruin a special time).

I've been falsely accused of sexually molesting my daughter, of beating her and locking her in sheds, all lies in attempts to reverse custody and push me out of my childs life.

He has beat her repeatedly, left bruises and when questioned by social services etc he has even admitted hitting her but said it either wasn't as hard as she's making out or that it was an "appropriate" level of discipline given her "offence" usually she had "disrespected him" in some way....

Courts ignored all of it, even accused me of being part of the problem (i refuse to go out for meals with him or vary the court order as and when he demands it) and ordered standard fortnightly weekend contact, every single fortnight my DD comes home and tells me about being called names (her last nickname was rat, her new nickname is pig). being called lazy, ungrateful, disrespectful, selfish, always with a "just like your mum" tacked on the end. He doesn't even spend the time with her, works through most of it, sends other people to pick her up and drop her home. Its all about spite, power and control, courts simply do not recognize emotional abuse or even physical abuse, if they consider it too be "mild". (mild physical abuse?????? what a joke!)