Why does my son act like this when he comes home?

[november90]

Ds1 spends 2 nights a week at his dads and then One weekend day. To be honest he doesn't see his dad that much during the week as he's in nursery and his Nanna drops him off with me but this is our current set up. He's 3, almost 4. When he comes home I ask him about his time and he never wants to speak about it. He always says "I'm not talking about daddy"... or just won't tell me anything. I don't ask in an interrogatory way... we always chat about our day but he just will not talk about anything he's done and I don't know why?
His dad does weird things like he has made a big point of getting him changed when he goes there/made a massive point about having clothes at daddy's house. When he dropped him off today he had some little toys out of a magazine and he made a huge point about saying to DS to return them to his house next week which I just felt was so inappropriate. DS looked embarrassed. Ex should be telling me that not giving him the responsibility!
When his mum drops him off he's always in a right state. His come home with no underpants on before, filthy black socks, no to shirt under his hoody, covered in felt tip, clothes which don't for him... basically I always have to re dress him and I'm concerned what message this may be giving him but he's never fit to go out... ever.
Ds also tells me he has fruit/cereal for tea...
Anyway I haven't brought any of this up with ex because if I ever did it would go absolutely nuclear with him - he's been extremely emotionally abusive to me in the past.... but I'm just wondering if anyone has been here before or experienced anything similar? DS normally says he doesn't want to go to Daddy's house before he goes but I know he has a good time when he's there. I'm not concerned about his safety but I am concerned that ex is just making a massive point to him about different clothes toys etc and neither do them want to discuss what goes on! I just don't get it and I don't know whether this is normal?

Hi there I didn't want to read and run.Is your ex telling your son not to talk about him or anything that happens? If so that is putting an awful lot of pressure on such a young child.How do you know he has a good time?

Ime my dc always needed a period of adjustment when they came back. Even pre teen age.
Ime I never asked anything. Dc returned to a cuppa /snack and a hug.
Your dc is young and will be trying to figure out 2x different lives /houses /rules and the people in them. It will get better but will still always be an issue. Again ime..
He may also in time feel guilty he enjoyed being with his df...

Thank you!
He's very much the Disney dad and takes him everywhere so I know that he has fun when he's there..
He came home today and was exactly the same. "I'm not talking about daddy" and just point blank refused to talk/got upset. I just don't understand and I don't know whether to mention it to the HV or not. He tells me everything, we're so close it's so sad to see him get upset over a question I ask him every day (how's your day, what you up to etc).... I do wonder if he feels guilty about going or what else it could be?

Thanks for the replies ❤️

Tbh having his own set of clothes at his dads just sounds practical, unless I've understood you wrong. And coming back covered in felt tip soubds like hes had a good time, plus it can be stubborn to clean off skin even after a bath!

My son who is a similar age is exactly the same about nursery. He will not tell me a thing about what he did, he just says "I don't want to talk about it." Sometimes he says that "i cried' but when I ask the key worker they say this didn't happen. I guess he just compartmentalises it as his nursery time and he doesnt wanna talk. I don't ask him now and if he offers uo some information then its a bonus.

Obviously I don't know your whole story and I don't doubt that your ex was a dickhead but thus doesn't sound like huge issues to me.

Aww thank you.
I don't mean to make a thing out of the little things, but there seems to be so many little things they're turning into big things! Him having his own clothes there is absolutely fine, no issue.... but ex is making a massive deal about it to DS almost planting a seed that his clothes are treats and he gets to wear them specially at his house.... he even had him undress once when he got home!
The felt tip was more a point of how FILTHY he is every time he comes home... He is just never fit to go out :(

He can be a little like it with nursery too and I remember being exactly the same about school as I couldn't be bothered to talk about it 😂 I also don't expect song and verse and to know exactly what has been going on.... it's just general chit chat... but he will never ever talk about what he does with daddy and has started getting upset about it and I just don't know if I should be concerned about it. I either think he feels guilty about going or his dad is saying something to him....

My DS says he doesn't want to talk about nursery when something bad has happened (he's been told off, got in a scrap with another kid etc). So I'd be a bit worried, but I can't think of any suggestions for you, other than making sure he knows he can talk to you about anything and you won't be mad, etc.

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but DS was like this when he started reception. He would never talk about it, and would freeze up when asked.

I stopped asking him about it, and instead I told him every detail of what I'd done while he was away. He seemed to open up more with this approach, and it seemed less like an interrogation

I could've written your post nearly word for word.
This used to happen when my DS would come back from his dad's, I'd just ask him if he'd had a good day and what had he been up to and he'd just say 'dunno, can't remember'. Or he'd come back in a really foul mood, giving attitude and sulking or not doing as he was told.
Turned out his dad actually was telling him not to tell me anything.
He's a fucker and he, like your ex was emotionally abusive, as well as other things.
It's a control thing isn't it, he has no control or say over you at all anymore and this is his only way of getting at you.

Stop asking him about his dads. You need to take the pressure off. He will tell you in his own time x

How can you know he has a good time there if he never talks about it or tells you anything about being there?

Sorry just read your update that explains

There’s red flags and safeguarding issues here. He should never come home without underwear. You need to make it very clear to your son that he doesn’t keep secrets from either of you. If he’s saying he can’t talk about it that’s because he’s been told not to and that cannot be acceptable to you.

Get a worry flask/jar. Explain that if anything is upsetting or annoying him he can write to down/ draw it and then the worry flask will take store his worries so he doesn't have to worry about them.

It's a great communication tool with children: if he it's too young to write / draw ask him to tell you his but don't react as you put them in for him

It can be really normal. It's quite unsettling for them to go between different homes (still much much better than living with an emotional abuser full time) plus you get that nursery/school effect where they clam up in response to questions.

I'd try and avoid asking. Even though you don't intend it to, there is probably a hint from you about wanting to know what goes on at dad's in order to judge whether it's appropriate, which isn't really your call, much as that's hard to bear. If you trust your ex to have contact then by and large you need to accept whatever he chooses while your son is there. It's also not your son's responsibility to report back to you and while I'm sure that's absolutely not what you're intending, that's partly what he will get from it and probably what makes them clam up.

I'm not being flippant BTW, I've been there as well and it's so hard plus you're curious, I know!

You have different standards about what means clean and tidy. Personally it wouldn't bother me if my toddler is messy from having fun, as long as his clothes aren't wet he can wear them until the end of the day because he's a small child and they're meant to get dirty.

Maybe when he gets to his dad's, he interrogates him about his time at yours and then when he gets home you're also asking the same thing which is quite a lot for a small child. I would stop asking and let him tell you when he is ready.

It sounds like his dad has told him not to talk to you about his time there. That would in itself concern me.

Thanks guys! You're all right I probably shouldn't ask him about his time but it is just general chit chat.. it seems odd to not ask him how he's been and if he's had a good time when he's been away for a couple of days... I don't want him to think I don't care about him when he's not here!

There’s nothing wrong with asking him about his time with his Dad. Asking if he had a good time and what they got up to is very different from interrogating him with lots of questions. If your child spent time with anyone else you would ask the same questions. If he went to school then came home and said I can’t talk to you about what we did because my time with the teacher is a secret, you wouldn’t accept that.